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Midnightworries

What the hell do I do......?!

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Help. I was 7 months pregnant when I had D day and found a trail of dodgy sites and escorts on my partners iPad, in real time as he was out one night.  I left him on the same day I picked up our new house keys to a property we’d just bought. He confessed eventually to 15 or so years of sex chat rooms and lengthy sessions involving 100’s of pounds. I went back to him after he confessed all to family members and started attending clinics. He had a complete lifestyle change including stopping going out. It was a good period post baby, of togetherness.

Fast forward to him proposing a year ago and then his stag do last week. I thought something was up and checked his phone. He had a call back from a prostitute at 8 in the morning, and then I confronted him and over two days extracted more to the story- at two he wanked in the toilet whilst his friends played cards none the wiser. He wanked to porn sites then escort sites whilst calling the numbers. This happened throughout the rest of the night - I’m supposed to believe he didn’t meet up with them? Apparently he gets his kicks just phoning the numbers. FML!!!! Our sex life has pretty much never been a priority for him , I don’t think he reckons he has a problem. But clearly this relapse is a major red light. I’ve left him and now on the cusp- do I call off the wedding and save myself the heartache for a man who is a great dad but an absent lover/emotional partner who doesn’t really accept he has a problem. Or do I wise up and delay/postpone the wedding until he starts up therapy again. I can’t marry him like this, I can barely  look him in his lying eyes at the moment.  Exceptional timing as always and I can not believe I’m in this situation again of having to make a major life choice where the stakes are so high. Thanks for reading. Any help or acknowledgement would be gratefully revived. 

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Sorry to hear you’re going through this. Sounds like we are at similar life stages and having to deal with the question of whether we should go it alone with the hope they can be better people for the sake of our young family.

I agree there is no way the wedding can proceed, certainly at the moment. You’ve mentioned clinics, is he attending any 12 step groups like SLAA? As part of this he would define top and bottom lines as well as accessory behaviours, such as going out. I intend to also use these as relationship boundaries if we carry on so I have some structure. It also should form part of his ongoing recovery and maintenance to attend the groups, no matter where he is in recovery.

The lying and dragging out of the truth, the lack of certainty as to whether you’ve gotten everything, it’s exhausting isn’t it? The expectation that you’re supposed to believe a story that sounds fundamentally unlikely from a proven liar and cheat is so frustrating. I share that with you. Is there any chance you can find a therapist to talk this through with? I’m on the search at the moment as I believe I need to really analyse my decision so I know I’m doing the right thing. Good luck!

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Hi Confused and Lost, 

thank you for your response to my post. I hate the feeling someone else is going through the same thing but at the same time it’s nice to know I’m not alone. 

Other half has booked into a therapist on Monday. I’m looking separately and will let you know if I find a useful contact. This afternoon more behaviour kept coming to light. Yet more phone calls and hours spent just dailing numbers in the small hours (with the hope someone will get back to him??? To what end? Two hours at a time -calling 17 different girls- am I being stupid? The calls last seconds, so does he heavy breathe and slam the phone down???)  

I thought he was fully recovered and wish I’d found out sooner. How the hell do you call off a wedding without pain and humiliation for years to come... it’s all so sad. My little one has been telling everyone about us getting married for months. I am in shock I think still. 

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The positive here - he’s seeing a therapist. I would really encourage him to attend SLAA too - I’m seeing the work my husband is putting into it and I think it offers good practical day to day management skills while the therapy helps find the root. Thanks on the therapist, would be interested in what you find. I’m thinking about pursuing something with Paula as although we’ve done Relate, I found it frustrating as there is a real lack of knowledge about sex addiction and how that impacts a relationship,

The main thing here though is about you and your child. While he’s in addiction he has no boundaries so you need to set them based on what you need right now. Seeing as this is fresh there are probably more unsavoury details he may not be ready to share, so pursuing them may just lead to more drip feeding and pain. I’ve come to realise that the truth comes with some distance from the event when he’s not still in his defensive, addiction-protecting state. So focusing on managing your shock is more important. Surround yourself with supportive people so you can get your head straight.

As for the wedding, yes it’s not ideal and it does invite people into a private situation. But it’s your life, you can tell them what you want and people will move on. It could be worse - I just found out my husband had a period of acting out in the lead up to our wedding. I wish I’d known this then as I wouldn’t be here, more entrenched in his life with more to unpick. Whatever your future, at least you found out now so you can make a more informed decision about what’s next.

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Hi again, 

Thank you for your helpful response Confused and Lost. Ah you are seeing Paula so that must be very helpful. The lady I’ve found has worked with her in the past so I feel she’s fully equipped to dealing with the problem. 

I didn’t get back to you as I’ve been underground after cancelling the wedding.  Needed to get away and not think for a bit. Well meaning friends keep asking after me but I just don’t want to chat about it with them. 

I hope your situation is improving? Are the therapy sessions helping? 

Wishing you happier times x

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Hi Midnight Worries

I am very new to this site and this is my first post but sadly I recognise so much of your anxiety and pain.  How are you getting on now?  It must be awful to have cancelled your wedding, which of course only draws more attention to your plight and more unwanted questions from friends and family.  I’m sorry that you have found yourself in this situation at what should have been such a happy time in your life.   I have really struggled with the shame of simply being married to someone who would do this and I find it very difficult to share my feelings with anyone.  Do you have someone else close that you can talk to (other than your counsellor)?   I see a counsellor once a week too but have no friends or family  that seem able to  grasp the devastation that this kind of discovery causes and I’ve just given up trying to communicate my plight.  I too only discovered the true extent of my partners problem a few months ago, although there had been a couple of hiccups in the marriage before then, which I thought we had dealt with through counselling.  What I recognise in your post is the confusion that you are experiencing. My husband has admitted to using prostitutes in the past, going to massage parlours and strip clubs, using sex phone lines and dating websites. The websites were what I actually discovered more recently; but he said to me that he only browses the profiles to get relief and that he hasn’t had sexual contact with any of the women. He has been totally disinterested in sex with me for many years and I just can’t believe that he isn’t lying to me.  And I guess that is the worst thing. Even if our partners go into therapy and work on their addiction we will never know, for the rest of our time together, whether they are acting out or not.  After all, it’s not like we have any physical evidence each time.   Is that something you want to take on in the future?  I think you did the right thing in calling off the wedding and I hope that you stick to your decision. I’m fifty years old now and bitterly regret believing my husband all those years ago when he told me that a visit to a brothel that I discovered was a one off drunken mistake. Had I listened to my gut feeling then (which was that he was lying) I would not still be in the same position 7 years down the line and could have happily been building myself a new life while I was still young enough to do it. 

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