He doesn't see anything wrong.....

[Laura]

Hi, this is my first post so sorry if it ends up an essay. I have been with my husband 14 years, married for 7. We have two wonderful little girls. When I met my husband he had a very high sex drive and he was open that he watched porn from time to time. But over the years his sexual activity has escalated, started with wanting varied things whilst having sex then moved on to wanting to involve other people, which I will not do. He has always had a way of making me feel like it's my fault and that I'm not adventurous enough, which has resulted in me talking about having sex with other people to keep him happy. He openly has an account on a swinging website and is on there everyday, messaging other people, having them send videos of them masturbating or having sex and whilst I don't like this, I see it as an outlet which eases the pressure on me. I have even caught him messaging when the children are in the same room. When confronted he does not see an issue with it what so ever, he thinks it's perfectly normal to be sexually adventurous and that I'm the weird one for not being that way. He watches porn and masturbates on average 3-5 times a day and still wants sex as much as possible. He often sends me pictures of men's cocks and  videos of them wanking, telling me what he would like me to do to them/them to me and despite me telling him it does nothing for me he continues to send them. He cheated on me twice in the early days, which I obviously forgave him for and moved on. Then last year I caught him messaging another woman, nothing had happened and he stopped contact but since then although I still love him I have lost a lot of respect for him, I obviously don't trust him and I've come to a point now where I've had enough, yet I can't imagine us not being together. Every other aspect of our relationship is brilliant and I don't like that thought of making my kids go through a separation. What can I do to make him understand he has an issue?

Thanks for taking time to read this

[Christine]

Laura thank you for having the courage to come onto the site and share. Firstly, it is clear that you love your husband, it's his behaviour that is causing the concern and is causing you a level of distress. Clearly he is asking or involving you in behaviour which sounds like it is compromising who you are, perhaps you need to remain honest with both yourself and him about what behaviour is okay for you and not okay for you. 

You might find it helpful print off materials or buy books, listed below, that can help both of you consider what might be happening for him.  You could also ask him if he would be willing to  look at an online resource; www.sexaddictionhelp.co.uk  You might also find the resources on the www.recoverynation.com useful 

1. Understanding and Treating Sex Addiction, Paula Hall

2. Sex Addiction the Partner's Perspective, Paula Hall

Paula has also done a ted talk which you may find helpful to view. 

I could suggest lots of other resources but perhaps this will be  a good starting point for you.

Take Care

Christine