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Anakin

Polygraph Test Concerns

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My husband acknowledges that he is a sex addict but he denies having had “affairs” . He left me a year or so because I said I knew he was seeing someone on a regular basis and having a sexual relationship with this woman. He couldn’t “possibly stay with someone who accused him of such things”. However he asked to return and said he would work on his addiction but still maintained  that this “relationship” did not happen . I sensed he was still seeing this woman and he kept wanting to walk on a certain street and I noticed that he was always staring at women with bun hairstyles . I eventually came across a woman with the hairstyle working on the street that my husband  visited frequently. Of course he denied it. He even took a polygraph test  - I was surprised by the fact that the person who carried out the test phoned back about an hour later to say that my husband was telling the truth. My husband was delighted but I knew my husband was lying (as clear as day) and indeed was  seeing the  woman at the time of taking the test.

Through use of social media on my behalf I eventually discovered the woman’s name and although not expecting to find anything an image appeared (twitter profile picture) of this woman with my husbands hand on her shoulder. It was his hand and his arm and his watch. Of course the denials continued. My husband never ever denies that this is a photo of his hand (he couldn’t - it is so clear)  but just repeatedly says “I have never met this woman” and “I have had a Polygraph test proving that I am telling the truth”

My husband is 70 years old and has had problems associated with sa since he was 11 years old when he stole money from charity boxes to buy porn mags. Of course the problem has escalated somewhat since then; there has been a steady progression - rapid since the internet has been available  -  and in his own words “there is nothing I haven’t done”  (not that I knew anything about any of this until recently).

His constant  lying throughout his life has been extreme. He has lied throughout the support he has engaged with regarding sa. I know he lies at the saa meetings and to his sponsor(from things he tells me).  Any progress he makes is subverted,  I believe, by him being constitutionally  incapable of being honest with himself  (aa) as well as others; sadly a lost cause in my opinion.

i am concerned that Polygraph tests are seen to be, mainly, accurate. Lying will do nothing to impact physically,  that can be detected , as far as my husband is concerned. In fact I believe  the test would produce a greater reaction if he was to tell the truth bearing in mind how hard this is for him to do.

 

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To be able to respond to your concern I would need to know more about the type of test your husband did and also whether this also involved a therapeutic disclosure. I would not suggest a polygraph without the couple firstly undertaking a therapeutic disclosure.  

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Thank you for responding to my post Christine.

There had been no therapeutic disclosure prior to the test.  My husband took the test following a suggestion from a professional involved as he refused to acknowledge he had engaged in so called “affairs”

He undertook the test saying it was not foolproof and belittled the process. He was ready for a “guilty” outcome but taking the test “proved” he was telling the truth as Why would he do it otherwise! He was ready to say the tests were “rubbish” (he cited many articles that had little or no confidence in the tests). He read articles about “how to cheat” the tests (I saw them downloaded on the computer)  but he denied this to the “examiner”  - I heard the denial. 

His face lit up when the outcome was that he was telling the “truth” (about  the “affairs”  - questions had been structured specifically around this topic) and since that time the polygraph tests are “infallible” according to him!

Before hearing this outcome the examiner said he needed to discuss the test findings with a colleague and we would hear back the next day.  However barely an hour had  passed when the examiner phoned me to say  of the outcome and that  he had pulled over onto the roadside and spoke to a colleague on the phone to discuss the test outcome prior to phoning me. The test was undertaken by an organisation that is  recommended by Paula Hall I know ( sorry I have forgotten the name of it). Following on from that all communications from them were to my husband and not to me.

This was almost 3 years ago and separate from this event my husband asked to return and he started to work on his sa  with professionals and by attending saa re 12steps. At the time I said I would support him but I would never say that he had not engaged in “relationships” - he actually acknowledged (tentatively) that this had been the case and  that he bought presents and gifts for the people he saw (grooming?) There were some noticeable  changes in how my husband approached his sa problem. He would talk about issues past and present (without giving too much specific info!) but mainly he was nice, kind and respectful towards me. On the whole we didn’t have too bad a time though upsets occurred from time to time as to be expected. My husband mainly accepted responsibility for the problems as they had been caused by his sa.

Sadly his old ways have returned with a vengeance. He is nasty, blaming and angry again.  He said fairly recently that “if you are waiting for me to change” (ie recovery wise) “it isn’t going to happen”  The old crazy making tactics have returned eg he said I am  a fantasist and I am deluded. He said he is not able to live with me now unless I say the so called affair (the Polygraph test one) never happened and he has left the home full of resentment towards me. I cannot say it never happened as apart from the things I picked up there is the photograph. He recently said I had “photoshopped” his hand on  to the woman’s shoulder.!

He doesn’t respond when I say - so a woman has decided to have as her Twitter and Instagram profile picture  one that is showing a random man’s hand on her shoulder that has been photoshopped 🤣 he just ignores me! 

So on the basis of me not saying he had nothing to do with this woman (nearly three years later) he is living an isolated and lonely life without any contact with the family! I know this is all because he is acting outagain  big style again  but he is in denial - hence I was wrong about this woman and I am wrong again about his behaviour now. It is uncanny in how he presents as the person he was before. It is like  the devil is speaking through his brain - another person.

How is one supposed to react to this incredibly weird and crazy situation? I accept he is not a well man and the shame he feels drives him to such really quite outrageous and self destructive behaviour and getting towards the end of his life too!

 

 

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