New and ashamed

29 posts in this topic

Posted

Today I made the step of owning the fact that I have a huge issue around sex, both pornography and actual meeting people - which can be multiple people at a time and either sex it doesn't bother me. 

I am so ashamed of my behaviour, I spend my life working out how to get my next 'fix'. I don't know how to stop yet, but I know I want or need to. The worst thing is I don't even really enjoy sex even though I have so much of it.

My life revolves around sex, watching it, doing it, making pictures of me doing it, talking about it....... the list goes on.

The trouble is that although I know in my heart that I need to deal with this, I am so scared. Scared of being alone, of having no one, 95% of my life outside work revolves around this addiction .

So that's me for now. I'm praying that I have found somewhere that can allow me to get through this.

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Posted

Hi,

Well done on posting.  Well done on admitting to yourself that you have an issue.  You're not alone, there are people here who have done what you have, done different things and done nothing, but all are here for one reason or another.

I did a list of all the things I have done and it was a bit shocking really.  I'd never thought I was wasting so much time but there I was looking at the list and it wasn't great reading.

I'm sure others will reply.  But I would always now suggest trying SAA.  I am 6 weeks and 3 days since I hit absolute rock bottom.  If I hadn't had that rock bottom moment I'd still be denying the truth but I'm here and trying to be a better person and SAA is one thing that helps.

P.

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Posted

Thanks P

It feels very real putting it out here, but I know that secrecy fuels it and it's only by facing up to it that I am going to get through.

Well done on getting to saa. Please can I ask a question and I'll understand if you don't want to answer it. You mentioned that it is 6 weeks and 3 days since you hit rock bottom. Have you been 'clean' since then.

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Posted

I don't know how to move forward, I know I need to control my actions, but the addictive part is drawing me in again.

I don't want to let people down.......and that includes the people I have already arranged to meet before I had the moment of realisation. My brain understands this is something the addiction is using to keep me in its grasp. Saying I don't know how to cancel those meets seems so lame.

This may sound awful, and I'm not saying that anyone's addictive behaviours are better or worse than others, but there is a part of me that thinks that because my addictive behaviours aren't illegal, that they could be ok really.......that they aren't hurting anyone......But they are aren't they........they hurt me, they hurt the people who make the porn, they potentially hurt the partners of those I have sex with who aren't aware and probably lots of other people I can't even think about right now.

I have nothing at all to replace this addiction with.............but even that is me lying to myself, I have a family, I have my faith, I have my work. But even with all of that I feel so alone. 

Today I am not 'sober'. I have allowed my thoughts to turn into actions and I'm so upset with myself. So ashamed. I wasn't going to come, I wasn't going to share because I'm failing and who wants to hear about that. But then the secrecy gets hold again and the fight would be even harder.

Wow that was a complete ramble of thoughts. I need to press submit before I delete it all and go back to the dark lonely hole where no one knows and nothing ever changes.

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Posted

Keep trying, you have to keep trying to fight it. I watched an american actor on youtube called Terry Crews yesterday, he has chanel and a playlist dedicated to porn addiction, its two years old, but its helped me in some minor way. Hope this helps you stay on the wagon, i get back on mine tomorrow. 

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Posted

Hello Enigmajacq

Looking at your later post first, I think you're already winning, because you know you need to work on things.  You recognise that you are hurting yourself.  A lot of my excuses and justification to myself was also along the lines of 'not illegal', 'not really hurting anyone', 'its not as bad as doing x, y or z'.  But over years things escalated to things that were illegal, I did hurt people, I did things that were bad.  I hate the situation I'm in right now, but I am determined that it will make a better me out of the back of it.

You've probably had a non-sober day in the past.  Compare that to day.  Last time, you probably didn't recognise it as a non-sober day, you didn't feel bad at your actions, you didn't come here and tell us all about it.  You're already winning!

Perhaps don't think about what to replace the addiction with, but replace where your triggers kick off.  If you get bored easily, maybe keep a sudoko book with you.  If you get angry easily, maybe look at starting basic mindfulness. if you get stressed, get your self a punch bag to use.

As for you asking if I've been clean, I kept off PMO completely until I had completed my Inner Circle.  This turned out to be really important for me in my short journey so far.  My head has been telling me that anything I do (e.g. notice a pretty woman in the street) is terrible, I'm bad, so I may as well go an look at a load of porn.  That was really exhausting.  Doing the inner circle (really honestly) means I know what my definition of abstinence is about.  Some things are a bit of an amber warning, but they will get more defined later.

It might work for you.  It will certainly give yo usomething to think about (link here for the SAA inner circle stuff - https://saa-recovery.org/literature/three-circles-defining-sexual-sobriety-in-saa/)

I didn't actually answer your question.  My 'clean' means not doing things I now have on my inner circle.  I've not done anything on my inner circle for 6 weeks and 5 days now  :)   My head has thrown involuntary images at me that could lead me into the those things, but once I've noticed them I have tried to steer clear e.g. by reading, quick bit of exercise, reciting serenity prayer to myself.

Hope any of my ramble helps.  Feel free to contact if you need to or want to.

P.

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Posted

Hello Enigmajacq

Looking at your later post first, I think you're already winning, because you know you need to work on things.  You recognise that you are hurting yourself.  A lot of my excuses and justification to myself was also along the lines of 'not illegal', 'not really hurting anyone', 'its not as bad as doing x, y or z'.  But over years things escalated to things that were illegal, I did hurt people, I did things that were bad.  I hate the situation I'm in right now, but I am determined that it will make a better me out of the back of it.

You've probably had a non-sober day in the past.  Compare that to day.  Last time, you probably didn't recognise it as a non-sober day, you didn't feel bad at your actions, you didn't come here and tell us all about it.  You're already winning!

Perhaps don't think about what to replace the addiction with, but replace where your triggers kick off.  If you get bored easily, maybe keep a sudoko book with you.  If you get angry easily, maybe look at starting basic mindfulness. if you get stressed, get your self a punch bag to use.

As for you asking if I've been clean, I kept off PMO completely until I had completed my Inner Circle.  This turned out to be really important for me in my short journey so far.  My head has been telling me that anything I do (e.g. notice a pretty woman in the street) is terrible, I'm bad, so I may as well go an look at a load of porn.  That was really exhausting.  Doing the inner circle (really honestly) means I know what my definition of abstinence is about.  Some things are a bit of an amber warning, but they will get more defined later.

It might work for you.  It will certainly give yo usomething to think about (link here for the SAA inner circle stuff - https://saa-recovery.org/literature/three-circles-defining-sexual-sobriety-in-saa/)

I didn't actually answer your question.  My 'clean' means not doing things I now have on my inner circle.  I've not done anything on my inner circle for 6 weeks and 5 days now  :)   My head has thrown involuntary images at me that could lead me into the those things, but once I've noticed them I have tried to steer clear e.g. by reading, quick bit of exercise, reciting serenity prayer to myself.

Hope any of my ramble helps.  Feel free to contact if you need to or want to.

P.

thanks p. 

it feels so different actually talking about this stuff.

I feel positive in as much as I can see hope. I know it is only a small step, but I have been physically clean for 2 weeks, I have not done that in a long time. I need to work on my definition of abstinence so thank you for that link.

well done 

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Posted

How are you getting on?

 

P.

 

 

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Posted

Hi 

I'm good and not good.........

Spoke to a therapist yesterday and got my hopes up but then dashed as can't afford the sessions and 1:1 can't be supported. If I was a bloke then group sessions could be available which I could get help with. That made me feel even worse about myself as the group's don't run for woman as there aren't enough of us to do them. How bad am I then!!!!!!!!

So the inevitable happened yesterday and I suppose I punished myself using my own body. I hate myself right now!!! I had felt so positive. I had deleted lots of things and people from my phone, I was trying to do things for myself. But I don't know where to go from here. I feel very much alone again. 

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Posted

Are you able to get to any SAA meetings?  They might be useful.

On the main Paula Hall website you can post a request to be contacted by a therapist.  Perhaps put something there but be honest about being unable to pay much.  Some may be willing to come to an arrangement with you.

Thinking about people that you are removing from your home (your life?), I wonder if it is worth thinking why you are doing this.  Is it because you really don't want them in your life (which is fine) or is it because you are worried what they will do or think if you were to talk with them about yourself honestly?

It is probably not a great idea to remove people base on how you think they might react.  If you think you are going to lose people who you care about, why not reach out to them and talk to them then let them make their mind up whether you are worth keeping in their life?

Keep coming here, keep writing

 

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Posted

Hi and thanks for the reply. I'm in contact with saa and Sauk but I'm struggling to get anything near me. 

The therapist I spoke to was from the laurel centre. It's just such a nightmare to be at a place where I know I need help but not be able to find it. I'm worried that by the time I can source something that I will have gone through the window and decided it is just what I'm going to live with forever.  

I think I wasn't clear though with my comment about losing people. The people I've been culling have been some of the people stoking my addiction. People who have been encouraging me to explore the more extreme aspects of my addiction. 

One thing I have managed, is not to go on the porn site. Although I am no where near sober in relation to all of my sexually addictive behaviours, this feels good. But is that just me trying to make myself feel better about myself given I've still met people and been physical with them. 

So many confusing thoughts right now.......

 

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Posted

I found working through 'In the Shadows of the Net' a good place to start understanding my stuff - just a thought.

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Posted

Thanks for this. I'll try and check it out. I just wish porn was my biggest challenge, but unfortunately I crossed it to reality far to long ago.

I hope you are managing your stuff. And really do appreciate you taking the time to respond.

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Posted

Hi Enig - I agree that stopping any or all the destructive behaviour though force of will or any other method is really only the beginning, indeed it might not even be the best place to begin. Addiction seems, for a lot of us, to be filing a hole in our lives and with sex addiction that's might well be intimacy (in its broadest sense) but I'm sure your work with the various organizations will help you explore that. But I do think it's worth asking the question, 'and then what?'. When you leave the addiction behind, what will you life look like; what do you want it to look like?    

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Posted

Thats the thing. I don't want to just transfer my addictive behaviours to a different addiction. I know I need to address the root cause of what need they are filling for me so I can work out non destructive ways of meeting it.

This is so hard, but just being able to talk to people who understand is a comfort.

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Posted

That's a very wise thing to say. It wasn't until I was in rehab that I could actually trace my addictive behavior back to being a kid. The guy who ended up with the alcohol and porn was the same one who needed to collect over 200K sports cards when he was 10 or had to beat every videogame he owned the day he got it when he was 12. He was the one who would work 80 hours a week to impress the boss at 22. I knew that my biggest challenge was kicking my addictive personality more than my specific addictions. Alcohol could become food and porn could become gambling very easily. Are those worse? It's really just a matter of semantics. I don't want to end up on a gambling message board anymore than I wanted to end up on a porn one.

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Posted

So I have had a really difficult weekend. Firstly I am not sober, clean or abstinent from my addictive behaviours.

I've had a huge slap in my face that should have got me running for cover, but sent me straight to the behaviour I want to stop.

Two people who I have been using have had their marriages break down and I have been a main factor in both. I have not wanted to hurt anybody,  but my actions do hurt people. I've tried justifying it in so many different ways- it was their behaviour not mine (I'm single), if they weren't doing it with me it would happen anyway with someone else.............. you know the sort of things. 

But it is me.....that wife will never be able to unsee the pictures and videos she came across. 

I feel so shit right now and that is dangerous knowing what I can do when I feel like this and want to punish myself. 

 

Anyway I've rambled enough. .....

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Posted

First, take a deep breath. You're still here. Just be in the moment. Take a few deep breaths. In the through the nose, out through the mouth.

You didn't break up those marriages. I'm not claiming being a party to adultery is morally OK, but those marriages broke up because of the decisions that were made by the people in the marriage. Odds are, if you weren't "the other person" that somebody else would have been. Unless someone is mentally deficient in this equation, you don't have to believe you were the reason those marriages broke up. At most, you were a prop. You've got enough other things to deal with. Don't make this about you when it really isn't. It's about their failed marriages.

Learn from this, work on yourself because you have no control over others and try to be better next time.

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Posted

Thanks Josh 

I am still feeling like shit. I ended up acting out again today. I need to get control but the more I try the more despise myself and that leads me to do the behaviour I despise.

I don't know why I'm here or still posting. But it is like I've found a rope to hang on to to stop me drowning and even though I am going under regularly I know I can't let go or I will go completely under.

So tomorrow I will try again.......

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Posted

Get a therapist, go to a 12-step group, buy a book, keep posting here or other places, start a blog, exercise...there's so much you can do. The more ropes you have, the less likely you are to slip.

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Posted

The worst thing is, I know all this stuff. My job is basically 24/7 therapy. I spend all my time supporting people to take control of their lives, identify issues and deal with them. But I can't do it myself.

I've tried getting a therapist but can't afford one.

I've contacted two 12 step groups and both said they would pass my details to the group leaders but I have not heard anything.

I've got books including Paula's. And have been researching everything I can .

I do crossfit at least 4 days a week which I love.

I'm making excuses which is wrong.

So what are the things I can do that will support my recovery; I am going to keep coming here and posting. I am thinking of starting some form of journal. I'm going to chase the support groups for the information I need.

Thanks for replying j sometimes we need reminders even if it is information we already know.

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Posted

I made a step forward last night. I opened up to one of my best friends about my addiction. 

They blew my mind away with their support. There was no condemnation or judgement, just concern and real worry that I may have been hurt or taken advantage of because of it. It feels good to have made that step, another move from the shadows and secrecy that can fuel this more.

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Posted

That's been exactly my experience, Enig - and I could be headed for prison. If people know you well, if they know the good side of you, they see your addiction as just one part of you. Clearly you have to be careful about who you tell, but suddenly having some people you can be around without feeling you're hiding something is such a relief.

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Posted

Yeah. I've been hiding so long that it is scary coming into the light even with one person who knows me properly. 

 

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Posted

So things are changing. 

Yesterday I had a very emotional day and it is something that in the past would have seen me running to screw anyone and everyone just to get through.

But I didn't, I have woken up today and know I'm clean. I haven't woken up with those feelings of despising myself. It is a strange feeling, but nice in a way as well.

I've also got rid of more of my fb and hidden myself on my hook up site. I know you are asking why I haven't cancelled it and deleted everything......I can't right now, the thought of having nothing else there is too scary right now. But it does mean I won't be getting loads of offers and messages through the day.

Update over........thanks for letting me just waffle on. It is helping.

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