Jump to content
Kat

Partner's addiction has lost ME my home and job

Recommended Posts

So glad I've found this forum. I'd be so appreciate of any help, advice or just some support as I've found myself in a nightmare situation.

I found out about my partner's sex addiction 6 weeks ago in an extremely traumatic way when 3 men burst into our family home one evening and started shouting abuse at my partner in front of our 2 young children. It transpires that he has been using chat lines for years and developed some kind of obsession with one particular worker. This behaviour aparrently escalated into him somehow finding out her home address and, for want of a better term, stalking her on his work lunch hours as well as inundating her with texts and emails each day.

The men who came to our house were 'associates' of the woman who had come to warn him off and showed me pages and pages of his messages. One of the men physically attacked my partner and unbelievably they made horrible threats against the wellbeing of our children if he ever contacted her again. The experience was utterly terrifying.

After they had gone my partner confirmed that he had indeed done everything they had said. I'm too scared to ask if hes done anything else. My instinct was to call the police but he told me i wouldnt be able to as he would be in trouble himself if i did (a solicitors appt a few days later confirmed this) I felt i had no choice but to get the kids out of the house so have been living with family ever since. I now have no safe family home and, as I worked as a therapist from my house, I now have no job either. I am also suddenly now a single parent to 2 extremely traumatised children, both of whom are refusing point blank to ever go back to their home again. 

My partners response has been baffling. One minute he's apologetic, the next he's angry and blaming me (We've not had the best relationship since our youngest child was born). His latest response has been to visit a solicitor to find out how much of the house value he would be entitled to if we split then making me a settlement offer and telling me i need to get a job asap as I've been sitting around doing nothing for the past few weeks!

I have no idea what to do next and honestly just cannot process this dire situation. Please if anyone has any words of wisdom I would be so grateful. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Gosh, Kat, that sounds like an ordeal to say the least. I don’t know if I can offer any words of wisdom really, but feel that your priority should be the safety of your children and yourself. To find out that your husband is a sex addict is awful, but under such conditions is beyond imagination. If I were you I would seek legal advice for yourself, and try to explain to your husband that his actions have put your children’s well-being at risk. He needs to understand this, and take full responsibility for what he has done. I would need this from him at the very least, before I could move forward from this with in any civilised way. I wish you the very best of luck in beginning to sort out this mess you have found yourself in. Just focus on the needs of yourself and children above anything else first, and then work out how you feel about your relationship with your husband.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thanks so much for your reply. I honestly feel as if I'm living in a soap opera and just can't come to terms with the scale of what's happened. My mind keeps tricking me into thinking things aren't that bad then all of a sudden the reality of the situation hits me again.

I think you're right in that I just need to concentrate on myself and the children for now. I have a feeling there are some serious underlying issues he's kept hidden up until now but I recognise i am not the person to help or support him right now. Unfortunately he doesn't have many other people to support him as his parents live abroad and he never seems to form close friendships. I suppose nobody can force him to get help anyway - I guess he'll only change if he wants to.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Kat

Wow - that does sound absolutely terrifying.  My only comment is that it doesn't feel right that you feel you can't go to the police to bring a degree of safety to your children, home and work because he might get into trouble.......... 

When in addiction we are selfish, in denial and manipulative.  Hence him turning on you.

Those in addiction usually have to hit rock bottom before they go into long term recovery, maybe, maybe, this is what he needs.  The loving thing is to hold your ground, assert your boundaries, and don't take on board his accusations.  

All strength to you.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Kat, I know it's a few months on but I haven't been on this forum for a while. Came on and saw your post and my heart went out to you, what a horrible way to find out :(

I just wanted to ask how things are and let you know that I'm here if you'd like to talk or need any support.

 

The thing that stood out for me was regarding his behaviour of being apologetic one minute and then blaming you the next - that is classic addict behaviour, deflecting the blame onto others. When my husband was in the thick of it (as I know now), he lied to me about something and then when I didn't believe him we would have a huge argument and he would make out like I was awful and give me a massive guilt trip. Then all of a sudden would be saying he forgives me. They will do anything in order to not face what they have done.

I really hope that you and your children are ok. It's a difficult situation to be in, but even more so when there are young children involved. I found out when my daughter was 1 and a half, she is just over 2 now and I am still with my husband - but only because he, like PJ said, hit rock bottom, admitted everything (eventually!) and started going to a 12 step group. And I can see the changes in him. But it's going to be a long road before I trust him again, and I still can't say for certain what the future holds. 

 

Hang in there  xxx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Thank you Eliza. Things are still pretty chaotic for us but myself and the kids are safe and hopefully due to move into a new house shortly. Although i really resent having to do it, we are gradually beginning to build a new life for ourselves ... although i have many days where i can barely find the energy to even get through the school run!

My now ex partner still seems to be finding it impossible to take any responsibility for what he's done and is firmly in denial as far as I can tell. His strategy seems to be to keep his head down whilst hoping the rest of us 'get over it'. For his own sake I hope he does hit rock bottom at some point as he certainly doesnt seem to have found any incentive to change :( My own therapist suspects narcissism but i don't know if that's it or not. I've chosen to walk away as i eventually realised he's just not capable of giving myself or the children any of the support or understanding we need and am instead concentrating on my recovery now.

I'm really glad to hear things are heading in the right direction for you. As you say, who knows what the future holds but if you can see a change in your husband that must at least be something to hold on to. Still hoping mine gets there one day so he can at least have a good relationship with his children.

Xxxx

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×