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Rena

Partner Recovery

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Hey everyone, 

I am very thankful to this forum and everyone sharing stories and advice. 

I saw a post recently from another partner who has reached a 'numb' point, and I would love to know more about people's personal journeys later on in to the process of 'recovery'. 

During the last 18 months I have learnt that my partner suffers complex PTSD and has ADD and addictive personality. Trauma has been the reason for his sex addiction problems. He is learning a lot about himself, but finding it overwhelming and hard. 

My therapist diagnosed me with clinical depression a couple months ago, and suffering my own form of ptsd. Most of this is due to being so wrapped up in my partners behaviour, trying to be vigilant, strong, supportive, firm, setting boundaries, and trying to look after myself all at the same time. His issues are really complex and it triggers and engulfs me. I'm learning a lot about myself too. 

Is anyone else f*cking exhausted? 

I have reached a numb stage (interspersed with tears haha). I'm so mentally exhausted from dealing with his actions, and trying to heal the pain he caused me, that I've switched off. I love him, but I don't feel love. 

What does it look like to be looking after yourself while still in the relationship? 

Does anyone have experience in SA recovery with complex trauma? 

I am young and I don't know if I can spend the rest of my life feeling like this. It's really hard! I want it to work out, but navigating these issues is exhausting. I want to get my own love and fire back. Is it possible while still together? 

Thanks and love. 

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Hi Rena,

Is anyone else f*cking exhausted? “. Oh yes, I couldn’t have put it any better!

i am in a similar position to you - husbands sex addiction related to childhood trauma, he is learning a lot about himself, even how to function as a responsible adult, and I in the meantime am signed off from work with stress and also been told by the therapist that I am suffering from a form of PTSD. What I find so exhausting is simultaneously holding two conflicting positions: on the one hand I am full of compassion for my husband and the truly awful trauma and abuse he suffered as a child, and can see clearly how his addiction is related to that, and on the other hand being devastated, hurt, angry and saddened by the impact it has had on me and my life. Being in both places is what really exhausts me, having to negotiate the rollercoaster of emotions that I go through in the course of a day and then I struggle to sleep at night! Like you, I often feel overwhelmed by it all, and to be honest that you are saying this 18 months down the line ( I have been donig this for just 8 months, and feel there is a long road yet to travel) only exhausts me further! What keeps me going is that I can see my husband trying, which gives me hope. He is far from perfect in his efforts and often still slips into, what I call, his ‘poor me’ moments which drive me mad and usually leads to a big row, but he is getting better at recognising these patterns of behaviour and the potential danger of those moments leading back to acting out. I am hoping what he is learning about himself,  through therapy, will eventually become habit as his brain gets re-wired. 

All that said, I know exactly how you feel and the f*cking exhaustion is taking its toll on me. Feeling numb is something that I have felt for periods of time and I see it as taking ‘time out’ from that rollercoaster. Maybe this is what is happening for you. This road we are is not a linear progression check out the Wei Cheri chart on the web, it shows all the different stages one goes through  following an emotional event and whilst it shows these in a linear way, in reality we jump backwards and forwards on that line until we eventually arrive at ‘moving on’. I am hopeful that things will improve and so I won’t have to feel like this for ever. I hope this is also true for you. You have come along way already and obviously done a lot of work, but take some time out for you now and pamper yourself with some much needed ‘me’ time, and then see how you feel. 

Take care of yourself, and here’s hoping things improve for you soon....

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Rena

I suspect the harder road is working this through together, and whilst the stakes are higher, so are the rewards.  If you both recover/get through this - you will have a very strong relationship.  It is too probably the riskier road......

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