Jump to content

Recommended Posts

We are all visiting this forum for one reason or another.

---

How are you?  How is your day going?

P.

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Today I am mostly suppressing my anxiety about my up-coming court appearance. Because that makes it really hard to concentrate for very long I divide my time into short chunks and do stuff like write on my blog, meditate (or appear to), watch TV in small chunks (Taken 3 was rubbish), try to eat properly, walk round the block (once this snow has gone), read a bit.

I did try to distract myself by planning possible lives after conviction, but I found that a) it reminded me that I'm going to be convicted and b) most of these plans involved having to find a new place to live, sell my house, move, start again from scratch; these things actually seem more stressful than worrying about the conviction :o/

BUT, it's 5 months since I looked at any porn.   

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Have you managed to feel any serenity about your conviction?  Do you feel a better person now, no matter what the court decides?  I ask, because I will have the same position in the months ahead.

Well done on 5 months.  I bet that in itself feels better.

 

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Serenity, kind of  - I'm am clearly a different person now and try not to wish I'd found a better route to this place as that's unhelpful. I have regained several hours of each day, which I'm currently too screwed up to use, but I'll get there, and I no longer have a nasty secret that I'm keeping from people. My main fear, which is mostly about an angry mob with pitchforks and torches, is a) hopefully inflated but b) hideously ironic because they are finding out after I've fixed it. People who don't want to be in the same room as me now were in the same room when I was doing this, now I've stopped doing it, they will reject me.

So, yes, I have no secrets about who I am now, nothing to hide that I'm ashamed of and I'm no longer getting twitchy when I'm away from porn sites for more than an hour or two. Once the conviction is behind me and I've started building whatever life I decide/am allowed to build, I'm pretty relaxed about not telling people about it; I've done plenty of things in my life I'm ashamed of and/or regret and I don't provide a list of those to everyone I meet. Actually, one of the mental health team recently asked me if I'd go round telling everyone I had piles and, if not, why tell them this?

Things I'm concerned about that might make me blab are a) I'm a real attention freak and it's something 'special' about me - my ego needs a little squashing - and b) the need to tell people before they find out some other way.

Edited by outofwishes

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Be careful....you're moving pretty fast. You've had a lot happen to you, made big changes and assimilating a lot of new things. You recognize the sun still rises and sets and nobody is going to firebomb your car, if they even care at all.

There's a thing a lot of people have as they leave inpatient rehab called "Pink Cloud Syndrome". It's when they've stayed away from their addiction for the longest stretch in years, picked up new tools to cope and have had so many breakthroughs and good days with new perspective that they tell themselves, "I've got this". I've seen a lot of people convince themselves everything is going to be fine with their addiction and then something sideswipes them in life and they fall back into their old coping mechanisms.

I'm not say it will happen with you, and I certainly hope it doesn't, but the most dangerous thing you can say is, "I got this" because after four relapse-free years, I can tell you the line between "I got this" and "what happened?" is razor thin, and overconfidence and be a narcisist will be the poison. 

  • Upvote 1

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I appreciate your comments Joshua. I'm guessing that at least part of my sentence will include some sort of therapy and I'm continuing with the StopIt stuff I got, including the books. I know what you're saying here, it took me several goes at stopping smoking and I had a 3 year break at one point before starting again so I'm going to keep working at it. Joining this group and others is also part of that longer term plan.

That said, I'm going to treasure every non-addicted minute I get :)

 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I had a twinge the other day. I've been completely off all porn for about 9 months now and not had a problem, no temptation to go back exploring the likes of xhamster etc. but the addictive me is still there. I was looking through YouTube for various sounds to get me to sleep - I like rain and sea sounds - when I can upon a thread of files that were about popping and small sounds to be played in headphones to get a very close-up effect. While none of these are specifically sexual, it's clear that little imagination would be required to make them an aid to masturbation; the accompanying pictures confirmed that this was what they were really for. Addictive me was immediately awake and wanting to try a few out. While there might be no harm in this for the casual wanker, I know that I need to keep off any kind of artificial aids, especially web-based, as they could lead me back to bad places. I suppose I was just shocked to find that addictive me is still there and that he is capable of grabbing anything that could lead him back to porn.  

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi OutOf Wishes,

Your posts and your blog seem very open and reflective on your situation. Well done on being able to recognise that you were in a potentially triggering situation and that you didnt feel the need to be led back to porn.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites
16 hours ago, Danger Mouse said:

Hi OutOf Wishes,

Your posts and your blog seem very open and reflective on your situation. Well done on being able to recognise that you were in a potentially triggering situation and that you didnt feel the need to be led back to porn.

Just to be clear, DM, I felt the need (in me) very much at that moment, so much so it was quite a shock. Once I got over that it wasn't too difficult to create a story in my head that ended with me back in the cells. I hate even thinking about that and try to use it as a deterrent in self-talk as little as possible, but it was clearly time for The Big Guns. 

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Create an account or sign in to comment

You need to be a member in order to leave a comment

Create an account

Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!

Register a new account

Sign in

Already have an account? Sign in here.

Sign In Now

×