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outofwishes

What I'm going through now

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I'm not sure what the rules are here and it maybe that you won't allow direct discussion of the subject. So, I'm just going to point at a blog to start with. It's an account of how my porn addiction took me to places I should not have gone and ended in my arrest. Obviously it's a cautionary tale but please, if you are an addict, read this because there are some rabbit holes down there that can finish you life.

That said, one of the consequences is that I've freed myself of the addiction. It seems small comfort now but, if I'm lucky, a year of two down the line my life might actually be better.

https://wishidknown240296063.wordpress.com/ 

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I'm glad you're writing about this for everyone to read on your blog. I looked through a few articles, followed it, and you are going exactly what I did four years ago. It will get better. Figure out why it really, really happened (and that takes time), develop the tools to not let it happen again and then share your story to help others. That's been my recovery path and it's made my life so much better. Yes, you will deal with a lot of static with insurance, loans, etc., once you're a convicted sex offender, but honestly, you learn ways to deal with it (put the house in someone else's name, for instance) and at least for me, I find that the trade-off for the life I live now is more than worth it.

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Thank you for posting your story, this must have taken courage to face, write down and then decide to share. I hope your recovery goes from strength to strength. 

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Hello.

Thank you for sharing.  And thank you Josh for appearing to us like an angel to give support to the likes of me and 'outofwishes'. 

Outofwishes - I am only a few weeks into my new life after reality booted it's way in and changed things for ever.  My wife and family have to deal with the knowledge that I committed a crime; the social worker from Children's Services has labelled me as a serious risk and my wife is under a ton of strain.

Some things I have read have helped and some have terrified me.  This time that you are currently in, this limbo between being found out and being convicted is the time when we are becoming free of addiction, free of stupidity, starting therapy and/or 12 step programmes.  It is ironic and paradoxical that at the time you are convicted, you will be the most cleansed and risk free of all your adult life.

The conviction and sentencing is haunting because at the moment it is unknown.  From your wordpress blog you might be lucky and have a non custodial or suspended sentence.  Whatever happens, I hope and know that there will be a good you at the end of it.  There will be lows, serious lows on the way, but hold on to that as motivation, hold on to the love of your wonderful friends (I sobbed too at that) and hold on to the knowledge that you are now a good person with things to offer.  You can talk to people about where porn addiction can take you, you can save another life with that.

Sorry, it's a bit of a diatribe this.  All the best and perhaps we'll chat again sometime soon.

P.

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Thanks for this P. You make a good point about seeing myself as a good person. Right now 'society' (couldn't think of a better word) has wiped away every good thing I ever did and given me this label and I don't even look to my friends (yet) for confirmation of that. But, taken as a whole, I think I am and I'm hoping to feel that way again, eventually.

I'm with you on the irony of the system as it stands. My 10-year+ porn addiction ended the minute I got that knock on the door in November. I've since been working through several self-help systems, including Stop It Now, to make sure it never reappears; the illegal stuff was a tiny part of it. I have a huge chunk of my life back but it looks like it will be a while before I can make good use of that.

I've not got a family, P, so I don't have to deal with that the way you are. That does allow me to hide from my fears for small stretches, the people I've let down are work colleagues and friends all of whom are geographically distant. I can't imagine the feeling of having to face people I've hurt on a daily basis, but if you're facing them, they are still there, and if they're still there, there's a future. That last sentence should be printed on a picture of some kittens :o)    

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P is right. It is ironic that we face the music when we are at our healthiest, but I think that's also a good thing. I viewed my sentence (ended up serving 6 months) through objective eyes. You can't do what I did and expect to get away with it. Being punished was a huge part of my recovery and I'm thankful I was at my healthiest when I was punished so I could truly appreciate the price I was paying.

Don't be fooled into thinking the police stopped the addiction. You can be scared straight, and I certainly experienced a lot of that, but you can't have an addiction scared out of you on a cellular level. Stick with your program, seek fellowship with others and, for me, one-on-one and group counseling have been huge keys to my recovery success. Also, keep writing about it. Granted, I've been a professional writer for more than 20 years, but I've yet to meet the person who isn't helped my putting their thoughts on paper. You don't have to write them here, or blog, or do a book like I did. There were plenty of times I wrote things and then tore them up and threw them away. It's just a matter of getting the mental garbage out of your system.

Don't worry about your friends. Those who love you and understand addiction aren't let down. They're concerned for your well-being. You let yourself down, and that's a harder wound to fix. Yes, there will be people who cannot see beyond your crime and will forever label you a certain way. It doesn't matter. They clearly don't know you as well as you thought and they don't have the kind of compassion you require, so let them go. With your real friends, this will be something that happened to you, and something you deal with, but it will just become part of your ongoing history. 

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Ticking over - getting used to unemployment, even on a Sunday. Have discovered that I won't get internet access taken away; seems that's pretty much a human right these days and I've no problem being monitored. Wondered if I wanted to live in Swansea so I drove there and decided I don't. BST is good for my depression. Been to see doc who won't increase meds but will see me once a week due to self-harm concerns.

Thanks for your concern,

OOW

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I'm not sure what the rules are here and it maybe that you won't allow direct discussion of the subject. So, I'm just going to point at a blog to start with. It's an account of how my porn addiction took me to places I should not have gone and ended in my arrest. Obviously it's a cautionary tale but please, if you are an addict, read this because there are some rabbit holes down there that can finish you life.

That said, one of the consequences is that I've freed myself of the addiction. It seems small comfort now but, if I'm lucky, a year of two down the line my life might actually be better.

https://wishidknown240296063.wordpress.com/ 

I've just read your blog. Thank you for sharing in such an open way. So much of it resonates with me and although my addiction has gone down a different route to yours, the steps that have taken it there have been similar. 

 

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