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Where to even start, I have been a sex, porn, love addict probably starting about 12 years old, when games of dares on bus trips with a youth group were the norm. I then lost my virginity at 13yo so sex has always been a thrill for me.  Home life was turbulent and I never really had any recognition so constantly seek approval from people. My work life has been in a military then emergency service environment which has given me 20 years of trauma. The age of the internet from my early 30’s opened up a whole new world of porn, adult dating sites, swinger sites, gay saunas. (I am not gay, but will have sex with men purely for the thrill) I have always been in relationships and have always cheated, I have hurt many women and moved on when the damage was done.  I am now married to a fantastic woman who loves me, knows about my history and addiction, knows I have cheated on her time and time again but still wants to help me overcome this and have a normal happy life together.


I had always promised myself as a child that I would be the father to my children, that my father wasn’t to me. (I don’t have any children of my own, but have a stepdaughter) I have always sought out relationships but still acted out for my thrills. I have always tried to analyze myself, I generally am a very honest person, I am helpful to others even total strangers but when it comes to sex, I lie, cheat and hurt people closest to me just for meaningless thrills.  I have tried changing, I have tried abstaining, I have read numerous books on the subject of addiction, I have been to many counselors and paid out a fortune all to just go back to acting out.  My confusion now is that I don’t know if that is just who I am, am I just someone with sexual tastes outside of the norm and should I just go and live that life, stop hurting my wife and anyone else in the future, forget about relationships. I do love and care very much for my wife and stepdaughter and I know I would miss them very much and regret it if I lost them. Even knowing that I still have my fantasies, desires and at times act out. Lately I am forced to confront my actions all the time, my wife monitors my phone,  media and I hav to account for myself all the time. There is no let up from the turmoil going on in my head.


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