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Janey36

No improvement

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The husband is having counselling. Well he has had 3 sessions in the last three months, 45 mins a time. I shouldn't be surprised that nothing has changed. He started off full of enthusiasm, and for a few weeks never looked at porn. I knew without checking his computer when it started again. Just like all partners in this situation, once you know you can see when they have fallen again.

I don't see how 45 mins a month and reading a book can really make a difference on a more permanent level. I appreciate that an addict has to want to overcome their addiction but I really don't see how it can happen without some sort of ongoing help and support from a professional. He was also told that he could call and make his next appointment when he was ready.........that's the kiss of doom. 

I can see no way out of this, no change, just the next few years of my life lost in a haze of lies and pretence. My children are grown and now have their  own children. Its just him and me. 

When my children were born I made a silent promise to each that I would never voluntarily leave them and I never would have done. I made no such promise to the grandchildren.

I am heartbroken, alone, and lost. 

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I feel your pain too Janey.  It's just horrible. I'm not allowed to express to my partner iwithout being told by my partner I'm doing it to hurt him!  I very been in states of despair and his best is to scream at me that I'm doing all this to myself. I m causing my own pain! Any attempts to speak about it like an adult are met with the 'I don't know ow what you mean? Which is an improvement in sentence length from six months ago when it was two or three word sentences or worse, staring into space or leaving the room. It's soul destroying. I'm feeling  😔 😢 alone too. 

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Greetings and love to both of you. 

I'm in a similar position 18 months in. I am sorry we all feel so alone. I wish I had answers. 

I broke up with my my partner in January, because nothing had changed. I came back because he agreed to see his therapist again on a regular basis. That has trailed off again, and he wouldn't do any of the exercises she gave him to complete. 

He tells me he is a different person now, and that I should just believe him. 

We are at a stalemate now, as I've become depressed, and he blames me for making things miserable. He won't read the SA books, won't reach out for support. He thinks he is doing a lot more than he actually is. 

When he does something secretive and I call him out, he gets angry at me for not trusting him. He doesn't understand why I can't move on, despite me explaining it all to him so many times. 

I think he is still in denial. Maybe I am too. 

I've become very lonely, and the situation makes me feel crazy. 

Thank goodness for this forum. 

I hope that we can all find some peace. Xxx

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Hi Rena

Just read your post.  He sounds like he is in denial and that he doesn't understand how mired he is in his addiction.  If he doesn't know he needs help, it is very unlikely he will recover - addicts can't do this on their own.  

You aren't going crazy - it sounds more like he is manipulating you by blaming you for the situation.  He is clearly not taking responsibility.

Put your boundaries in place and don't take on his crap.  Have you read Paula's book for partners?  I would highly recommend it.  

Best wishes.

Edited by PJ

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Hi everyone .

Reading all your stories it's amazing how similar we all feel.  I am also 18 months on and still feel so alone. 

My husband also went through the denial and blame stage when I discovered.  This lasted for about 6 months until he finally broke down and agreed that it was an addiction and yes all the promises followed,  it will never happen again, I will do everything I can to make this better, ect. 

I have read so much just trying to understand and I asked my husband to read Recovery Nation. Yes he started but then came to a point where he was reading about being selfish and imature and got angry saying that this was not him and he always put me first , that was the end of that. He has said he will continue reading but this is about 3 weeks later.

I have eventually been to my GP because I have tried and tried but can't seem to shake this cloud, hurt, blame, no trust, questioning everything ect. Now I am coping a little better and I am calmer. 

Even tough my husband hasn't watched porn in over a year (yes I am happy for him) how do I know that he won't again as he hasn't and won't speak to anyone about this. He tells me that I have to believe and trust him but that's easier said than done when you have been deceived for 20 years. 

I really do hope that we can all get through this and be even stronger. 

Wish you all the best xxx

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