I love my wife and children. I want to be with them again.

[pdw123]

Bit of a mundane journal for today, I'm afraid.  Now that I have a sponsor for SAA, I think logging a run-of-the-mill is going to become normal.  I'm sure it will get supplemented by some other moments of high, low and in between.

 

Woke with a start with Lily (the Cocker Spaniel) barking like a loon.  I'm at my parents this weekend and have brought Lily over.  My wife isn't coping too well with everything as I'm out of the house and so my parents are having Lily for a while.

 

Took her out for a long walk.  Really missed doing this, it is great to get some air in my lungs and just walk with her.  Also took my camera (just a little compact today) and took some nice pics to much about with later.

 

Before I went out, Mum said "Don't talk to any strange men".  She has said this jokingly all my life.  She then went "oh, sorry I didn't mean anything" and was rather embarrassed.  Made me properly LOL though as she realised the different significance such a comment might now play.  I'm sure comments like that won't play any part in recovery or lack thereof.

 

Took the opportunity to call some SAA fellows towards the end of the walk, but all voicemails.  Clearly Saturday morning is not the best tie to be making calls.  I'll have to increase my list of numbers.

 

Mum and Dad are season ticket holders at local football team (soccer, for any US readers   I went with them today and oh my gosh what a dull game it was.  So much so that I fell asleep as soon as we got back to their house.  Annoying as it meant I missed a humdinger of a game on the TV.

 

Was pleased to get a text from my Sister asking me for a drink.  Met up with her and had a good chat about things going on - both with her as well as me.  She said I seemed to be in a nice place (mentally) at the moment which feels about right.  Apart from the depressive feeling I get first thing in the morning and when waves of emotions come over me, generally she is right.  I've not felt like I've scowled in ages.

 

As I said, mundane journal entry today.  Thank you for letting me ramble.

 

 

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GRATITUDE LIST Sat 7/4/18

 

Waking up

Lily the dog

Mum's amusing climb down after comment

The woods near Mum & Dad

The woodpecker

Dogs running and playing together

Pork pie

Dad driving to football

Michelle asking me for drink

Attractive bar maid and no obsessing

Listening ears of parents

 

Read a little bit of SAA's 'Tools of Recovery' and 'The Porn Trap'

 

Called Ross, Simon (not M), Nick H, Jamie B, Alan, Julian, Steve B - all voicemails

Took call from Simon M

Missed calls from Ross, Simon (not M), Steve B

 

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[pdw123]

Ok, it’s started, I’ve properly started with my 12 step SAA programme.

Might be coincidence, but today has probably been my calmest day since hitting rock bottom 6 weeks and 6 days ago.

One thing that I am starting to get an understanding of, is that I really don’t have any control or influence over the choices that my wife makes.  I know that everything here is my fault, that I have caused it, but I don’t have any power over whether she lets me see the children, whether she lets me do some jobs at home such as mowing the grass, whether she gets support from anyone, whether she sorts her access to our joint bank account… nothing is what I have influence over.

What I can do is sort my nonsense out.  I can take steps to come to terms with my offence, I can take steps with SAA to recover from my selfish behaviours and commit to not doing them again, I can stay with therapy to find deep root causes and to manage some of the obsessions in my head.

It’s a really cr@ppy way for it to happen, but if I really an work through this then I can be a better person, which should make me a better father, son, brother and (possibly) husband… which will hopefully translate on to all the people that my behaviour has affected.

I suppose the only down side with feeling a bit buoyant is that I am bound to have a rubbish day at some point, but I hope I can ride it.

I made calls to SAA fellows and took calls from SAA fellows today and it all really helps.  Spoke to my new sponsor too – Steve.  I think he will work me hard, but it really is all down to me.

Had a lovely walk with Lily the dog this morning.  Out for well over an hour and a half walking across park, fields, bridleway and footpath.  She got muddy, wet and rolled in horse poop and needed one hell of a bath afterwards.  But I loved it all!

 

TODAY’S ACTIVITIES

Read SAA blue card, SAA ‘Just for Today’, some pages from ‘Tools for Recovery’ booklet, some pages from ‘The Porn Trap’; Reviewed yesterday’s gratitude list.

Rang fellows: Wayne (voicemail), Kevin, Ross (vmail).  Took fellow’s calls: Alan, Simon.

Took some time out whilst Dad played some tennis.

Read some pages from SAA green book.  

 

TODAY’S GRATITUDE LIST

Cup of tea in bed from Dad (ha ha – you can tell I’m English)

Walking Lily the dog

Still, clear, wonderful fresh air

Bathing Lily the dog

Talking through the first activities of my programme with my sponsor

Fresh cooked brunch

Speaking with Kevin

Taking calls from Alan and Simon

Making a mini plan to help Simon

Steak

Mum and Dad’s love

Staying sober for today

[pdw123]

Was a reasonable day but got back to my digs to find a tort letter from landlady saying she was giving me notice to move out because I was a couple of days late giving the rent.  No reference to fact that first day of month was Easter weekend and I was away, nor the fact that she hadn't even seen me.  Had she not insisted on cash I could have had a bank transfer already set up.

Still, the house is not as clean as I first thought so I'm not worrying too much.  I should find something okay, just could do without the faff.

I suppose this stress and annoyance could be a trigger, but I've not acted out so that's one thing.

TODAY’S ACTIVITIES
Read SAA blue card, SAA ‘Just for Today’, some pages from ‘Tools for Recovery’ booklet, some pages from ‘The Porn Trap’; Reviewed yesterday’s gratitude list.
Rang fellows: Jamie B (voicemail), Nick H (vmail), Richard.  Took fellow’s calls: Ross.
Read some pages from SAA green book. 

TODAY’S GRATITUDE LISTGRATITUDE LIST
Funny audiobook
Speaking with SAA fellows
Jammie dodgers
Email from Josh
New SAA group
Nice cup of tea
New fellows phone numbers
Visiting a new town
Reading
Staying sober

Thanks you for letting me ramble

[pdw123]

Had a really big wobble today.  The fact my landlady had asked me to leave felt unproportionally bad, especially when I take into account that there are a few things I don't really like about the house where I rent a room.

 

I did what I could to get better.  I looked for another room, I contacted advertisers of rooms, I went to look at a room.  I also said to landlady I prefer to leave as early as possible.  I don't want to be somewhere where I am not welcome.  She was not happy, but I cannot influence that.

 

Thankful for speaking with Dave today; I am so grateful for having numbers of SAA fellows.

 

Saw my therapist.  We ended up talking about a whole load of stuff that wasn't really on her 'to talk about' list.  Spoke more about how me and my wife have never really spoken about really important things and how I feel that she (my wife) focuses on negative aspects which causes me to avoid talking.  I was asked "why did you marry your wife?".  It should be a really easy answer, but I stopped, I had nothing.  Right now I know I love her, but why did I marry her in the first place?  Expectations perhaps, someone had made themselves available to me? 

 

Also spoke about my bisexuality; about how I have no desire to emotionally attach with men and that my interests were basically like a porn hunt, desire to find someone to talk about fantasies with and that I treated men like female sex workers - no interest in anything emotional, just wanted to have sex and basically didn't care which gender.  Therapist suggested that she thinks I am heterosexual because a bisexual person has loving and emotional connections with either gender.

 

Now sat in a hotel a couple of hours away from home/lodging as there is a last minute early morning workshop to attend.  Busy busy busy.

 

Thank you for letting me ramble.

 

 

TODAY'S ACTIVITIES

 

Read the blue card, read Just for Today, read Tools for Recovery, read 12 steps and 12 traditions

Spoke to Dave and James

 

GRATITUDE LIST

 

The blue card

Tea

spareroom.com

Dave from SAA

My sponsor

Mum

Looking for a new lodging - something I can influence

Work colleagues

Getting a hotel

Driving

[pdw123]

So so tired.  I think I need to take stock of things, busy is good, but not to the neglect of looking after myself.

Felt low at the content of some of my wife’s email but so glad she is still communicating.

I need to take stock of the concept that my sexual addiction and behaviours amount to abuse of her and my children.  As usual my head is saying ‘no, no, no’.  But if she feels abused, then it is abuse.

Landlady already in bed by time I got back.  She has taken down all the pictures in the lounge and removed glassware from the kitchen before she goes on holiday tomorrow.  I will not see her again because I will have moved out when she returns; I will only see her to collect the deposit and overpaid rent.  I have lined up to look at some new rooms to lodge at.

I saw a mortgage adviser today to talk about possibility of getting a place for myself.  It’s not impossible but will require either a big input from parents (not a conversation I look forward to) or taking equity from our own home (also not a conversation I relish with wife)

That will have to do.  Good night.

Thank you for letting me ramble.

P.

 

 

TODAY’S ACTIVITIES

Asked for a sober day, reviewed gratitude list, read 12 steps and 12 traditions

Made call to Wayne; voicemail left with Sponsor Steve; took call from Julian

Completed first draft of all 3 circles to discuss with Sponsor Steve tomorrow.

Thanked for a sober day and read 2 pages of green book.

 

GRATITUDE LIST

A decent sleep

An email from my wife

A good workshop

Scampi for lunch

Wayne from SAA

Giving some information that might help someone on support forum

Jon the mortgage adviser

Mystery shopping

SAA meeting

Crabbies Ginger IPA

[pdw123]

TODAY’S ACTIVITIES

Read blue card.  Read Just for Today.  Read text from Tools for Recovery

Called and spoke with Brendan and Lloyd

Attended SAA Swindon.  Walked through first draft of my circles with Sponsor Steve.

 

GRATITUDE LIST

A reasonable sleep

A good shower

My wife still communicating with me

Stimulating bit of work

Fresh air

Pleasant lunch

Speaking with Brendan

Speaking with Lloyd

Good SAA meeting

Nice hotel

[outofwishes]

Just wanted to pick up on this:
It’s a really cr@ppy way for it to happen, but if I really an work through this then I can be a better person, which should make me a better father, son, brother and (possibly) husband… which will hopefully translate on to all the people that my behaviour has affected.

I think this is a really important message for every one of us - especially those of us who have been outed one way or another. Once this is over you will be better, you won't have (and are already getting rid of) those crippling secrets that were eating your brain, you will no longer have to go through that thing, while you're doing whatever activity it was, of thinking about how disgusted this or that person would be if they could see you. Every new person you come into contact with is meeting a new, genuine version of you and when they say something positive, there's no part of you saying, 'you wouldn't be saying that if you knew what I do'.

The next trick, which I've certainly not got to, is putting aside the thought, 'you wouldn't be saying that if you knew what I did'.

There's a real paradox here: there are many people we knew before we were caught who took us at face value and liked spending time with us, even though we were behaving in this unacceptable way. Now that we have stopped, many will no longer want to be around us. Hmmmmmm, soz this is getting to be about me.

BTW - Like the gratitude list; will start one of my own

   

[pdw123]

Hello

I will be stopping posting here for a while.

It has been really useful to post my thoughts and ideas and to get cmometns and messages back from people, but I am really getting in to my SAA programme and my sponsor has suggested focussing just on that for the time being.

What with seeing my therapist, attending 3 SAA meetings a week and working the SAA programme, it is all a bit too much.

I'll be recording my journal still, but privately in a notebook (doing it as the day goes along).

Perhaps I will return here.

Thank you for reading, I hope you benefitted from it as much as I have.  And thank you especially to those that were compelled to reach out to me and comment or mail.

P.

[Enigmajacq]

Good luck in the rest of your journey. Thank you for the support you have given 

J

[pdw123]

A p.s. to my 'bye for now' posting.

 

Anyone who stumbles across my ramblings and feel they need help with their own sex/porn addiction - well done for thinknig that.  It is the first and most important step to think you might need some help.

 

Over the eight weeks since I hit absolute bottom, I have started a spiritual journey.  I have, with a heck of a traumatic shock to me and my nearest and dearest, come to stark realisation that I have a problem.  I want to get better.  I have a few things that have been good for me and I'd like to share them.  These may or may not work for you but they worked for me.

 

• Move your PC to a shared part of the house e.g. only use it in the kitchen, somewhere where you wouldn't look at porn.
• Delete your porn, your accounts (to sites, to secret email accounts etc) and your browser histories - all of it.  Use Ccleaner to permanently get rid of all that; that way you won't be tempted to look at things and you are less likely to try and get it all back.
• If you're technically minded, set your internet router to block adult sites or block internet altogether after e.g. 9 pm. If you're not too sure about that try some software like netnanny.
• Get to Sex Addicts Anonymous. I have done and it is the best decision I could have made; there are people who care and understand. YOU ARE NOT ALONE! https://saa-recovery.org/ or http://saauk.info/en/    Please please try this; even if you don't talk for your first few meetings please reach out.
• If you can afford it, get a therapist and BE 100% HONEST WITH THEM.  If you can't afford it, contact some anyway and say about your finances, they might be able to offer something anyway.
• Have a look here - https://recoveringpornaddict.com/ This guy contacted me via a UK based forum but he is in the US, he is lovely and is good to talk to for someone who has been to rock bottom and climbed out the other side a better person.

 

Take care all of you.

 

P.

[Joshua Shea]

Thank you very much for the shout-out for my recoveringpornaddict.com website...helping you, especially those first couple weeks, has been just as rewarding to me and has been a big part of my recovery. Once you move beyond these early phases, I have no doubt that you'll be there for others the way you feel I was there for you.

My final bit of advice to you publicly -- though I hope you'll continue to check in with me privately from time to time -- is that you are in charge of your recovery. Your sponsor can guide you, these boards can guide you, SAA can guide you, I can guide you, but ultimately this is a trip that you take on your own. If you feel like you're every with the wrong therapist, or wrong sponsor, or getting bad advice from someone, it's OK to make changes. Just because there are "experts" and those with "experience" out there doesn't mean that they have the answers for YOU. I always encourage people to try everything and talk to as many people as possible because that's how you find what works for YOU.

I say good luck to you for the things outside of yourself that you can control, but I don't think you need too much luck when it comes to you. You'll be fine.