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Red flags

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Posted

Like most who've been here,  I have experienced the worst living hell this past eighteen months trying to cope with impact of my partners addiction. I have a few questions :

If your partner is in recovery, after six months of therapy including the intensive course and the UPN day should they still be finding it difficult to express empathy?

If your partner still has trouble with the truth, ie not being completely transparent with the email accounts they hold, not making effort to obtain bill for phone that is still on contract but no longer in use(?), (he may well have ordered a secret replacement for all I know) is this a clear indication they are not in true recovery or have relapsed?

What would you think if they claim to be in recovery but they still have to ask you what  'falling on your sword', 'owning your shit' or 'manning up' entails?  

I have tried so hard to keep a lid on my emotions but I really don't know that I can go on with someone who has caused so much pain in my life yet continues to be so emotionally unavailable. He has basically told me this is who he is, he's just not good at expressing it, like I need to accept that. 

He is no longer with us in the house and I fear for all of our future. I have three children, one at uni and one is a baby.  I just don't know what's next? 

 

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Posted

Hi, I have just read your post and feel for you. Have you tried couple therapy? It might be helpful in establishing clear boundaries and maybe draw up a accountability contract. It might also be helpful for you to off load some of you anger to see a counsellor on your own.  This is a really long and winding road isn’t it? I am six month down the road and still feel like I am on the big emotional roller coaster - just when I think things are stabilising, something else happens to push me back to anger.

whatever you do, be kind to yourself and keep looking after your own needs first.

 

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Posted

Hi Florence, thank you for taking the time to respond. I have given clear boundaries and had sessions with a councillor on my own which stopped as they were expensive and  taken up offloading about the latest set back he caused.  I learned about and put myself through reading stuff no woman should have to. Laterly I tried the couples counselling although I knew with his attitude it was going to be difficult and it was.  I know for a fact that he is not being transparent. Every attempt I have to get him to do so ends up a huge row where I am nearly at breaking point. The more I question his honesty and ask for accountability the more adgitated he becomes and the manipulation begins all over again. He is not actively fighting this even if he were as abstinent as he claims. He has no accountability partner, he has a therapist who encouraged him to leave when my baby was months old and I was devastated and even more devastating when he told me that.  He calls me paranoid, tells me I need to sort myself out, makes up stuff the councillor says about me, blames me for his life being awful and talks to me with utter hatred at times. Last week he screamed at me he hated me because I called him out on lying to me.  I'm not allowed to have emotions or be upset and get no real empathy.  It breaks my heart he would still put me through this after all the help he's had chance to tap into.  I am exhausted. I can't change /cure and I am not the cause of his addiction. Nor can I  fix a relationship where he is not willing to do the work. He is different person in front of the councillor and I noticed he suddenly fakes reasonable attitude day before an appointment.   Hs has even managed to make them give me a hard time by distorting reality and rewriting history,  guilt tripping me for times I've reacted angrily when he's pushed me and pushed me because he is not doing his part ie, responsibility/accountability. The councillor has told me that I need to find my compassion! 

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Posted

Just to add, he is also completely different person when enjoying all the lovely family times we've had throughout this shit. But the moment I need him to show up and really face this he's turns into a reptile. 

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Posted

so sorry to hear all this - it sounds like your husband is still very much in denial to say the least! Perhaps from now on you need to focus on you and what you need and how best to achieve that - this might include thinking about whether you have a future together. I do hope things improve for you soon. 

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Posted

Yes, he is now trying to make me take responsibility for the last argument and saying that I treated him badly. Yes I reacted angrily to him waring me down with lies,  denials, manipulation, gas lighting and his anger.  Why?  Because I am worn out, hurt and still being lied to all over again with the same responses that he gave with the same issues that turned out to be him acting out after birth of our child.  His behaviours are way, way beyond a porn issue.   I regret giving him the opportunity to put me through this and reduce me to person I don't like just because I expect and require him to be honest and accountable. This is why he is no longer with us.  It's devastating because we had a truly amazing family, he had good well paid job, was highly regarded but we were not married and I can't even divorce him.  

 

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