The love of my life has destroyed me

[Guest]

Hi, 

I’m 18 and my boyfriend is 24. We have known each other for 7 years and have been in a relationship for 10 months. He has always been that person that I compared everyone else to- my absolute ideal man; hilarious, kind, caring and just generally lovely. We got together in an absolutely whirlwind- I visited him (he lives 2 hours from me) one weekend and we both got completely swept away by each other. It really was the perfect weekend and I couldn’t believe how lucky I was to be with the man of my dreams. 

I would like to clarify how much I am completely and utterly in love with my boyfriend, he truly does complete me. 

 

In January I got a message from a girl saying “hi are you in a relationship with James (not his real name)”. I thought it would be an old friend of his asking to meet up or something so I asked my boyfriend about it and at first he palmed it off. Then, he sent me this massive paragraph about how when he gets aroused he gets a kind of “red mist” and messages girls innappropriately. These messages were awful, things like “ooh I’d love to see you caked in mud” and “if I come and see you I won’t settle for sleeping on the floor ”. He said that he would never have actually met this girl- he just does it for affirmation. But I find that hard to believe, as you will soon find out. He also used to go on tinder when drunk and swipe on girls, but has never been on a date or kissed another girl when with me. He also goes on Omegle and masturbates to women on there and uses porn regularly. He has done this in every other relationship and has cheated on his past girlfriends in some way or another.

The day after this all came out- which I was willing to forgive because it seemed like a genuine problem- I asked him to tell me everything he’d ever done and a month ago, he slept with another girl. I cannot tell you how absolutely destroyed I was. Everything that I have ever believed in in the world was just completely broken. I have always been a trusting person and I now fear that this situation has made me distrust people, especially men. My boyfriend always says how much of a feminist he is, yet he pretended like he only slept with her once (it later transpired to be 4 times as I asked the girl herself). It was a random girl he met in a club and they did every sexual thing together that night, using a condom, again I asked her. He even got a photo with her in the club by the photographer?! And he text me when he was in the taxi going to hers saying “goodnight, I’m all tucked up, I love you!” 

I know that this may all seem so naive becahse I’m young and I think people’s reactions are likely to be, “go and find someone new!” But I have genuinely never met anyone who I click with as much as my boyfriend, and I really don’t think I ever will. I also believe in forgiveness and understanding when someone has a genuine issue. I go through stages of truly believing I can stand by him as he is going to SAA meetings every week, and has told my family and his own. But I’m just so scared that he’ll do it again, and is he just using sex addiction as an excuse to do whatever he wants, and act single and soon as I walk out the door to go home? 

I don’t see how the person I love can do just an awful thing to me; I will always be cheated on and he will always be to blame for that. I’m not even sure why I’m posting on here because I’m not necessarily asking if I should stay with him or not, but I think just getting everything out and hearing other people’s stories may help. 

Thank you for reading and I’m sorry I went on a bit! X 

[Janey36]

Hi Casey

I am so sorry to hear your story. You will find many similar stories on here, including my own.

You have a tough road ahead of you whatever you decide to do. I would just like to say that what ever decision you make, make it for you and not for 'James'. He has his own battles to fight. You need to put yourself first.

Look around on this site and try and connect with as many others as you feel able. Everyone here has a story to tell and all pretty much like yours. The helpful thing is to read how others have reacted to this destruction of their life by someone they loved and how they are facing it.

You are not on your own here, Casey, you will find lots of support, but any decision you make will be your own.

Hang in there.

[Guest]

Thank you so much, I think that you’re definitely right, this is something he does need to do for himself. And we’ve spoken about how his motivation to change needs to be for him, not me or our relationship.

It has really helped me to read this and to know that there are people who are going through exactly the same thing as I am. In a way it’s comforting to know that his addiction is a real problem suffered by many and not just an excuse for cheating. 

Thank you x

[Victoria]

My heart breaks for you. You are not naive and it’s nothing to do with your age. I’m 46 and have recently left my SA partner. The pain of being without them is unbearable but it does get easier. I know what’s right for me. Weigh up a future with him against a future without him maybe. He needs to take his addiction more seriously than everything. And you need to think of yourself, I’m not saying not to think of him, I know it’s heartbreaking watching someone you love struggle with their addiction and who they are, but you have to put yourself first. Thinking of you and I’m so sorry you need to be here xxx Vicky. 

[SadCat]

Hindsight is a wonderful thing. If I had known what I was going to go through with my husband over the last few months then I would have found the strength to walk away before we got married. I am trying to imagine my daughter (if I had one) being in your situation  and I would want to do everything I could to prevent her from the heartache that you are feeling. Put yourself first, think of your future - trust is so important in a relationship. Once it has gone it's very difficult to get back. 

xx