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Prue

CRISIS PHASE! ADVICE FROM EXPERTS/SEX ADDICTS OR PARTNERS

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It was 2.5 weeks ago when I discovered my partner was a sex addict, by accident. The discovery unveiled in the staggered disclosure pattern a few days and what I know so far is that my husband who is 35, has been having erotic massages since 21 and also has been involved in prostitution. He has done this through all of his relationships including ours. We have been together for 4yrs and married for 1 of those. I am currently 4 months pregnant. Leading up to the discovery I knew something wasn't right, for some reason I couldn't trust him and it resulted in fights over the past year. One fight in Nov I asked him to leave the house over his lack of support of me being newly pregnant. He returned after a few days, telling me wanted out of our relationship. I was shocked, he could want to leave so easily. I later discovered that he had been on a binge of acting out after that fight. I believe he may have otherwise been abstinent the whole year. It took him 3 weeks to appear less depressed settle down and re-commit to investing in our relationship. Following that over Xmas and NY things were going well. He was excited about our 1st child on the way and came to my ultrasound appointments and was telling his friends about the pregnancy. This all came to a hault at discovery time. Initially he was remorseful. He said he still loved me and he didn't want me to give up the baby. He admitted to being a sex addict and even turned up to a sex addict anonymous appointment. A few days later we were supposed to go and tell his parents about his addiction so they could help us through while I was pregnant and we were trying to go through professional help and he did a complete 180 and flipped and walked out on me. On that night, it was like he was taken over by another human I had never met before. Two days later he phoned me to say he wanted a divorce, that our marriage is irreconcilable, that he didn't love me anymore and that he didn't care what I did with our baby, whether I kept it or not but he wanted nothing to do with it. He was so angry at me and blames all of our problems on me, he also denied on that phonecall being a sex addict.

I haven't heard from him since, I assume he went out on another bender. I reached out to him to apologise for my reaction to his discovery and still nothing. It is like he has just run out of my life. One of his friends who has been in touch with me tells me he is still very angry at me and still blaming everything on me. I know he really did want children and he is a very proud person who cares immensely what others think of him. I know he hasn't faced yet the judgement of what people will think of him walking out on his pregnant wife. My question is, will this anger and blame that is directed towards me by him resolve or will he carry this forever? I keep receiving advice to take care of myself for now and even to think myself lucky that he has walked out on me, but that does not help. I wanted the chance to try to work through this. I still love him immensely and believe people deserve second chances. I don't know whether to reach out to him and continue to tell him I love him and am there for him or whether to just give him some space in the hope that he will cool down. Has anyone else seen sex addicts react like this immediately post discovery and do things from there ever change?

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Hello Prue,

What a heartbreaking story. I’m so sorry that you’re going through this.

Im guessing his anger is directed towards you because he loves you, but really he is angry at himself. He’s ashamed, embarrassed and disgusted with how he is and it sounds like he is heading towards rock bottom.

I truly believe that he needs to reach rock bottom before he can fully address his issues.

When that happens, I’m sure he will feel truly alone. This is when he will need you.

 

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Hi Prue,

I hope things have calmed down for you and are looking more positive.

I’m a sex addict, I’ve been on a recovery route since the start of the year, and unfortunately can say that this is similar to my typical behaviour.

I’m still working out my exact and full reasons as to why I, almost take on a whole new persona. But I can say that my problems are deep routed in my fear of intimacy, vulnarability and feelings of shame. I’m currently backtracking and picking out all of the things that have culminated in my problems, and I’m definitely not finished. Do you know of some areas of trauma or (both intentional and unintentional) neglect? 

My issues typically stem from a family whereby the basic foundations of care and love were very compromised because there simply wasn’t enough time and energy to go around. Then a few specific traumatic incidents and no specific support over the vital development stages of my life mean I never learnt how to deal with emotion and specifically emotion in an intimate setting. Does this sound anything like your husbands childhood?

Unfortunately, unless he really sees this issue for what it is, it’s very hard to get him to move forward. I explored the issue some time ago, and then ran away from it and rejected the idea. Of course it caught back up with me, and I feel horrifically trapped within it. I’ve had a bout similar to what you’ve described this past week, I’m in a position where any kind of sex worker is something that has only been resorted to once. However I did resort back to watching porn yesterday, something I’ve managed to not use in over a month, and I feel awful again. I’ve been emotionally and verbally abusive to my amazingly supportive partner and completely isolated her. It’s a horrible feeling knowing I’ve done this, and just creates more shame, and then more reason to act on my impulses.

I become so saddened when I see stories from partners because it brings up feelings of guilt and I wish I could change the problems everyone has. 

If your partner is back in communication in any way, maybe see if he’s open to just one session with a specialist therapist for just him, or maybe he’d even be willing to talk to me or open a conversation here? I’d be more than happy to talk to him.

If you want to talk, there are a lot of partners here and at specific support groups. It is of course a really hard time for you, and you should make sure you get the support you need.

I hope things improve for you.

 

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It sounds like the walking out point was just before he was going to tell his parents about his addiction, maybe that was just too much for him to handle at the moment 

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On 3/12/2018 at 8:27 PM, Aaron90 said:

I’m in a position where any kind of sex worker is something that has only been resorted to once

Ha, funny guy

    If there’s one thing a sex addict can be trusted to do its lie eh. 

Once my behind 🤔😂

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