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Victoria

Recent discovery of partner’s sex addiction

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Hello,

I’ve recently discovered that my partner has a sex addiction. I am devastated and heartbroken and am going through a roller coaster of emotions. I told all of my family and close friends. This was to ensure that I wouldn’t go back to him. The pain is unbearable. 

He is attending SAA meetings weekly and his one hope in life is that he recovers and we can be reconciled. I want to hope this too. But I am torn between letting go totally and moving on, and hoping for him to recover so I can have the love of my life and soulmate back. I am also terrified of being in a relationship with him again, knowing that he will always struggle with his addiction and what this will do to me. I don’t feel strong enough.

One moment I feel strong and can hope for a future without him and the next I am that sad, broken thing, wandering, lost...

Vicky.

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Poor you, Vicky. I do truly feel so sorry for you. There seems to be so many of us in this situation.

I made this discovery just a few weeks ago and, like you, am on an emotional roller coaster. My husband of 36 years has been seeing sex workers for about the last 14 years. The porn addiction I believe to be much more recent. 

I have told out 3 daughters the situation and I know I would have their support if I do go ahead and divorce him, which I what I want to do today, but maybe I wont want to tomorrow, this is how it goes as I am sure you know.

I have read others stories on here and they all pretty much say the same thing about giving YOURSELF time. This discovery is, to me anyway, very much like a bereavement and after such an event one is usually advised not to make any immediate and permanent changes. 

He has just started counselling and if he does overcome his addictions I still don't think I will want to remain with him. The secrets and lies have destroyed so much, there will never be trust again. The treasured memories of the last 14 years , a daughters wedding, anothers graduation, the birth of grand children all these are now tainted by his actions. 

To you, Vicky, I would say stay away from him ( I get the impression that you are currently living apart). Let him fight his battle while you get on and fight your own battles.

You are a strong woman. You had the courage to tell family and friends, I certainly don't besides my daughters, you had the courage to step away and stand lone. I haven't.

Now you have given yourself some space, give yourself some time. Make the next few days and weeks about you. Scream, shout, rant, cry but do not bottle up your emotions. If you feel unable to do this with family or friends , do it on here, rant to me. I will always listen, I KNOW what youre going thru. If none of those options appeal, then write yourself an email or a letter. Banging away at the keyboard as you spill out your feelings is quite therapeutic! 

From one sad, broken lost soul to another, Vicky, you are not alone.

Take care.

 

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Oh thank you, thank you Janey. 

Gosh, I can only imagine what you’re going through because we had only been together for two years, but I know we are soulmates and the loves of our lives (so far). It was the most romantic, loving, caring, affectionate relationship I have ever had. My children loved him, my parents took us all on holiday etc. He was my world. But as you say, looking back, everything is tainted, I’ve said this to him. He’s broken. He desperately wants me but has enough respect for me to let me be, to heal. 

I really feel for you in your situation, you must feel incredibly alone. I’m glad you have your daughters’ support, that is something that you need. I also understand how you haven’t told anyone else  they would say ‘leave’, but I can see that your life is different from mine in that you share a family and home. Only you can make this decision  but I would greatly recommend that you seek counselling for yourself. You MUST be able to talk this through with someone who isn’t emotionally attached. Maybe you already are. I’m having counselling starting on Monday. I almost don’t know what to say at this point as I’ve done nothing but talk for the past fortnight nearly.

At this moment, after a very tearful morning at work, I am feeling positive and relieved that he is no longer in my life. I know this feeling won’t last, but I’m hoping for more of these up feelings and less of the down. 

I have read that some couples do recover from this, but I know that I cannot live like that. I’m already wondering if he’s using our time apart to act out more and I know that I will NEVER trust him again. I think I would become incredibly depressed and obsessed with him having a quick recovery. And that is why I’ve stepped away, as hard as it was. I can count my blessings and move on. We don’t live too close and only saw each other at weekends even though we FaceTimed constantly (obviously not enough as he still found the time to cheat and deceive). 

Im really feeling for you. 

Are you still living together? If this is the case, then how are you giving yourself the time and space to see things clearly about what you need to recover? I implore you to step away from him for a time. Make a list of the pros and cons of being without him. Write down all the negative feelings and fears for your future together and the positive and freedom of being apart from someone with such a destructive illness. Ask yourself if you are strong enough to embark on such a hard journey. Only then will you get the clarity you need to make the right decision.

Im sorry Janey, if I’m giving too much advice, but I’m so passionate about how us partners need to heal. Psychiatrists liken our experience to PTSD and I can’t say that they’re wrong.

Please, please think of yourself. Yes, I’m sure your heart is breaking for him at times, after all he’s the one with the illness, but is it worth making you ill too?

Please keep in touch and let me know how you are doing. 

Vicky.

 

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I read the postings above with tears in my eyes, Victoria and Janey.  Thank you for your honesty and clarity!  It breaks my heart to think that so many women are having to deal with this trauma in their lives (I recently read an article which described what we are going through as 'betrayal trauma', and that certainly made sense to me).

As I have said before, there is no right and no wrong way to respond to this kind of life event.  We all have to find our own paths.  My partner and I have been together since we were teenagers and have children and grandchildren, and a whole web of friends built up over more than 40 years, and so walking away (or uncoupling, as Gwyneth Paltrow puts it) is both more difficult and more complex.  I also suspect that I am luckier than many other women - my partner's addiction has been only to porn (and free porn at that).  If he had been seeing escorts or paying for sex then I think my reaction would have been very different.  The length of our relationship also means, I think, that I find it easier to take the long view and to accept that no genuine recovery from addiction can be quick - we are in this for the long haul.

I am also perhaps a little further down the road than you - there had been a number of times when I had become aware that my partner was using porn in the past, and called him out on it, but only in the last 18 months have I really understood the extent of his porn use and had the courage to properly confront him over it, and he has had the courage to accept that he has an addiction and take the steps to deal with it.

I am a staunch atheist, but in trying to understand the situation I find myself in, I have read a number of 'faith based' articles, and what I have taken from them is a message about 'hating the sin and not the sinner'.  It has taken me some time to get to this point, where I can begin to detach the act (the porn addiction) from the man, and see them separately. I understand what Janey says about past memories being 'tainted'.  Again, it has taken me time to give myself permission to look back on the good times with pleasure, and to face the bad memories head on.  Trust will take time to be rebuilt, but I am willing to give myself the time to see if that can happen.  I have also prepared myself for the fact that it is possible that my partner will relapse, and I have discussed with him what must happen if that occurs.

None of this is meant to suggest that anyone should stay with their partner if that is not right for them.  I have complete and utter sympathy (and admiration) for anyone who walks away from their partner in this situation. I absolutely feel that I am not in a position to give anyone advice!  

I think that recovery from this type of trauma is always a work in progress - there are good days and bad days; days when I want to scream at the world; days when I want to lie in bed and sob; days when I want to see my partner really suffer for what he has done to us.  And there are days when my partner and I laugh, talk and have fun, and I am full of optimism for the future.  And with each month there are fewer bad days, and more good days.  All this is only possible because my partner has taken responsibility for his actions and his addiction - without that, there would have been no hope.

I also wanted to thank this forum for giving us all a safe space to share our experiences, to try and make sense of what we are feeling, and to share with other people in the same situation.  This forum, and others like it, have been a lifeline for me, and I hope it will be there for me and others like me for a long time to come.

 

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Thank you Cowslip, so much, such wise words, we each have unique experiences and situations. 

I understand that people in the long haul have a different situation to mine, and in a way I almost wish that we had been together for twenty years, had children together, so that I would have no choice but to repair alongside him. That sounds quite twisted I realise. But we have only had two years together, no children together, and his addiction (and acting out) and mental suffering is so extreme that I honestly don’t think, no matter how hard he wants to and tries, that he will ever be free of it. Knowing what I know, I’m guessing this started at puberty or earlier for him. This breaks my heart, for him. He is hurting more than me, I’m sure. Walking away from him was so hard. I feel like I’ve let him down.

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You haven't let him down, Vicky, and I doubt very much that he sees it that way either. So please don't add that particular burden to your heavy load.

My husband is totally wracked with guilt and I think that I should be supportive of him as I have been in the past thru a couple of serious illnesses......but I don't have the strength at the moment. He has bought this down on us all, he has his therapist and support, he can fight this battle alone, for now at least, tho maybe for ever.

We still share our home, Vicky, he still works and unfortunately from home half the time, but I don't work.

There is no conversation just the 'have you feed the dog' and 'do you want anything to drink' type thing. 

Its good to have people on here to talk to  because I don't have to explain myself. You already know why I can't look at him, or talk to him. 

I have a trip away with number 2 daughter next weekend, which I am looking forward to, its been planned for a while. Then in Feb am off to London to stay with number 3 daughter, even tho she will be at work during the day.......its London, I shall find plenty to do to entertain (and  distract ) myself! Meanwhile, here in my home town is number 1 daughter and their 2 sons.

I am very lucky to have 1 of the 3 close by. 

I urge you to accept any invitations that come your way from family and friends. Anything is better than sitting at home and staring at the walls or the TV, which I seem to do a lot of. I don't want to go out and walk the dog or go to the shop. I don't want to bump into any neighbours or friends  who will ask how I am or ask after the family. I don't want to have to lie about having a good Christmas, when in truth it was the most heart breaking time. 

Hang in there ladies...........

 

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Thanks Janey,

I'm going to a friend’s this afternoon until tomorrow. She’s single and we’re just going to hang out and talk and laugh. She’s been my rock through FaceTime and it’ll be so lovely to spend time with her.

Stay strong.

X

 

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I can’t stop crying, the pain is overwhelming. I love him so much and wish that he didn’t have this illness. I miss him and want him right now. I want his arms around me, to feel him, to smell him. I feel so weak and vulnerable. I just want my soulmate. 😞

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Hope you felt able to spend some time with your friend, and that her support helped you.  We've all been through those awful mood swings - one moment ready to fight and take on the world, and the next just frightened and lonely and desperately, unbelievably sad and hurt.  Whatever you choose to do, and however you choose to deal with this, believe me things do get easier, and although it is a cliche, time does help to heal the wounds.  This situation makes us vulnerable, so be kind to yourself and keep yourself safe.

Thinking of you tonight - let us know how you get on this week xxxx

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:(

Hello PJ,

Could you tell me, if you can, how you understand you could do this to your wife, potentially ruining the best thing that has ever happened to you? This is only so I can hear it from an addicts perspective. I greatly respect you for being so honest with your wife and people on here, and I hope that you remain in recovery. Yours is such an inspiring story. My ex partner has said that he never wanted to hurt me, never wanted to ruin the best thing in his life, but couldn’t stop himself. I know that I need to move on, but I’m hoping your answer can help me to realise that it wasn’t about me. I’m so hurt and am struggling with self esteem.

Many thanks,

Vicky.

 

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Hi Vicky,

Thank you for asking this question. I am also waiting for PJ (or Rob) to comment on this. It is so difficult to get my head around... My husband did try to explain this to me but I am struggling to believe in anything he says, and therefore any such explanation would sound like another lame excuse. He was talking about compartmentalizing his addictive behaviors and his marriage, like they would be two separate things. So when he is with other women he does not think about me and when he is with me, he doesn't not think about other women nor his addictive behaviors. Now, for a woman this is just a load of baloney. Even I cant be next to him without thinking about his other women for a second. It has stained everything i do and everything we have ever done together for the last 14 years.

I have read through your posts and my heart aches for you. It is painful painful experience. My prayer is that in a long term we will grow stronger through it and not be crushed.

Vava

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Hi Victoria

I will try and answer your question - but the mind is a puzzling organ and addiction is 'cunning' as SAA describe it.  I will try and answer your question but to be honest it is puzzling and I don't quite know where to start, but I will try.

1. For me, it crept up on me and it became a slippery slope.  For me, I used porn/masturbation/sex workers to anesthetise pain.  The tragedy of addiction is that it erodes your self-esteem and so the more you get into it the more you need something to anaesthetise your pain.  Sex addiction isn't so much about sex as finding something that makes feel good - but it is an addiction so you become tolerant and need a bigger hit over time.  I could have become addicted to alcohol or drugs, gambling etc - the causes and dynamics would have been the same.

2. Paula talks about splitting.  I think what that means is this.  Addiction is usually secret and shameful.  Why?  Because it goes against your values.  Your partner might genuinely say that it is wrong for people to watch porn/see sex workers AND do it himself.  He is doing it secretly and in shame because he believes it is wrong.  If he didn't he would be brazen about it, he wouldn't be in an exclusive relationship (rather he would be in an 'open relationship' or none at all).  The mind somehow manages this contradiction by 'splitting' (I think that is correct - don't quote me).

3. Addicts become deceitful as a result.  Which means that they are not only dishonest with others, they are dishonest with themselves.  e.g. 'This isn't such a big deal - others do it' or 'I need sex, I am not getting it...', or 'it's just biology' etc.   To regain their self-respect and have any hope of recovery, they have to recover their honesty.  But it is difficult - we don't like pain, and being honest leads to a whole load of pain!  And we feel crap about ourselves anyway, without needing others telling us we are shits.  Shame is a big hindrance to recovery.

4. For me - I knew it would be so very painful for my wife, so couldn't tell her.  I didn't know where to go for help.  I couldn't beat it on my own.  So I felt I couldn't get off the tramlines.  There were no other options but to keep acting out, which I hated.  That is the strange thing - you hate what you are doing. I eventually found help after a few false starts over the years, and it took some persuasion to tell my wife.  The clincher was when Paula told me that my recovery had to be more important than my marriage.  I realised that if I didn't beat this then I wouldn't have a marriage, that the only hope was honesty and if I was honest with my wife, I might, just might save my marriage.  

5. In the addiction cycle, there is a point when you get obsessed.  It becomes very very consuming.  At that point, you will do almost anything to get your fix - hence 'risky behaviour' - whether it is doing something illegal, getting found out etc.  

You and your partner may or may not have a future together.  What I can say is from my experience, and from other couples who have survived this, is that we have learnt more about yourselves, we have both grown personally through this crisis and our marriage is now stronger, better and closer than it has ever been.  My wife would agree, although it wasn't so long ago that she told me that she still feels the pain most days - I presume that is still true.

I am not sure whether that helps.  This stuff is now nearly 3 years old for me - so I am struggling a little bit to remember - but it is good for me to remind myself just how awful it was.  Addiction is horrendous - once it has taken over, one feels like a slave who cannot escape.

 

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PJ,

Thank you for such a candid answer. Thank you!

I can feel my ex partner’s pain and suffering through your words. You have described him totally.

I feel your pain too and I hurt for you too.

You are one brave soul and your wife is another.

I wish you all the strength you can both muster on your journey together and am hopeful that your collective strength grows and grows. You deserve this.

With respect,

Vicky.

 

 

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Hi Vicky

Hows things?  Silly question really, I know, but hoping for a positive reply just the same. 

Its so difficult to cope which ever way you go, isn't it. There's you and others in a similar position where you have left or the partner has left and you feel so utterly alone.

Then there's those like me who are still sharing the same roof and yet find it equally as hard being in the same room as this person who you loved so much and has destroyed so much of your faith in people.

Things have settled a little here after an explosive half hour from me last week. Tension build up I guess. Trouble is I still feel the same as I did weeks ago, still don't see a future together but trying to see this as a type of mental illness. The husband on the other hand, says hes avoided all contact and not watched any porn for the last 3 weeks. I'm inclined to believe him but not inclined to believe that he wont in the future. He talks about our planned holiday in May and asks if I want to go and see some comic or other in June......its like he knows hes done wrong and is trying to make it right but doesn't seem to understand that there is no quick fix. Its like he thinks that now he has admitted his problems and stopped that everything is okay now. Even if he never looks at porn again, never meets up with a prostitute again its never going to be okay again. 

I was very interested to read PJs response and so glad to see that there can be light at the end of the tunnel for both himself and his wife. 

I do love my husband and am broken hearted that this has happened, but its the loss of trust I feel so strongly about most of all. Even if he did stay clean for the rest of his life, how would I know?

I'm rambling now, so I shall say fare well and talk again soon. 

Lets us know how you're getting on Vicky.

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Vava

You are not alone, you don't have to face this without others who understand how you're feeling even if we don't all understand the dynamics of addiction.

This is a good place to find support, have a rant or just see that there is always someone in a similar situation to your own that have managed to find a coping mechanism or even turn their lives around.

You hang in there.

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Thank you Janey and thank you Vicky. 

In many ways i dont feel alone but in one way i do. I read here about men struggling with porn, visiting sex workers, massage parlours and I get that this is addiction and that it is treatable. What happened to me was that my husband betrayed my love as well as body by forming relationship with one of his sex partners. He has been in recovery for the last six months but continued sexting and chating to this girl. He says they only met up ones since discovery last year, and only for a chat but he admits that his feelings towards her are strong. I just cant see this as sex addiction, this is just an affair and i feel so rejected. I really thought we got through this last year and reached new level of intimacy in our relationship just before Christmas;  he was so affectionate and loving towards me. But all along he also was being loving towards this girl in his texts which i found later. Its been three weeks since i moved out and i am struggling to see future together. How do i get over such betrayal? I was prepared to stand by him while he is fighting addiction but I am too heartbroken to watch him loving someone else, even though he says that relationship is over now and he wants to work on our marriage. 

PJ's answers have helped me too, thank you PJ. I do have a lot of admiration for people who open up themselves, to whom honesty is more important than consequences. And i am teribly sad that my husband has never reached such place. I've made every discovery myself and my trust is crushed completely.

Wishing you all an inner peace that surpasses all understanding. 

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Hi Vava and Janey,

Oh gosh. What a mess.

At this moment in time I’m managing to remain strong and keep to my decision. I’m expecting a shift in this feeling because I’m no longer feeling angry, I’m feeling quite disconnected. I’m scared of what my emotions are going to do next.

Unlike the two of you, I have no contact with him now. My choice, but I’m constantly thinking of him still. I honestly don’t know what he’s really going through or if he’s taking this as serious as necessary for a proper recovery. I’m in the dark. But I chose to be and it’s easier for me that way. I tried to remain in contact but that was something that felt so, so destructive to me. I’m very scared of being in contact for this very reason. 

He had his hooks in me so deeply and I can’t put myself through that again.

This feeling I have at the moment feels complacent, detached, even good, but I’m worried that it’s temporary.

I so hope it’s not.

Vava, I think you need to realise whether or not your husband is committed. I also think you need to seek counselling to work out what it is you feel you can cope with in your future.

x

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Oh Vava,

My partner also formed at least one relationship with another woman, I saw a Text where she felt that she’d been used. Yes, it’s more heartbreaking to me than the porn, sexts, hook ups with men.

I’ve pondered over this a lot and that’s fuel for me sticking to my decision. We, all of us, have been betrayed so absolutely! 💔 

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I have just read through all of your stories and my heart is breaking. I found out a year and a half ago that my husband had a porn addiction. We have been together for 27 years, since I was 13 and yes he is my one and only love. 

At first it was complete denial from his side telling me that I wasn't there for him, that I worked nights and it was no big deal that most men done it. I was absolutely devastated. 

I knew in my heart there was more to this and he wasn't being honest so i started going through his laptop and account history. What I found absolutely broke my heart.

It wasn't now and again as he had told me, it was every day. I went back as far as 2012 and I just couldn't take any more.I  watched video after video and found a file of images also. I can't even put into words how I felt. The killing factor was that he had told me in an argument on night that he only done it whenever I turned him down which made me feel so guilty and it was my fault but after discovering the extent of him watching porn plus  I was able to find dates and times I knew this was another lie. Denial and lies.

I approached him and told him what I had discovered. I think this was a wake up call for him. He started to admit and take accountability.  He ended up coming out of work for 2 months with depression . He deactivated his accounts and changed his phone so he had no access to Internet  and said he has done this for me. 

I see how destroyed and guilty he feels every day. He has lost weight and it has affected his health.  I do know that he loves me but I can't seam to believe  anything he says or trust him. He has told me he has had suicidal thoughts because he could never live without me and it is making him so depressed to look at me everyday  and see how hurt I am.

I read how some of the men here are afraid to tell their wife's and they feel so bad but only 2 nights ago I asked him did he ever think about how I would feel if I knew or if he ever thought of telling me and he said no because it ment nothing to him and he didn't think at the time he was doing anything wrong. I know that this may sound strange but I actually wish he did think of me in the 20 years, it breaks my heart. 

Like a lot of people I have not spoken to anyone about this so finding this forum has helped greatly.  My heart goes out to everyone here xxxx

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Hello Nanook,

I'm ever so saddened to read your story. You sound devastated and understandably so.

It sounds like your husband has a lot of work to do, and blaming you somehow for his problems is not taking responsibility. The patterns of denial and minimisation like you've experienced are sadly common. But this doesn't mean that's ok or you have to accept it at all. His problem is his problem and not your fault in any way. He has to deal with it and it's nothing about what you do or how you treat him. Really that is tantamount to him saying "you made me do it." Really!?!! I think he has to find a different way.

It's easy also for his guilt and self loathing to drive him paradoxically back into the porn too. That may sound crazy to you but it is in some ways the most reliable (if dysfunctional) coping mechanism he has come to rely upon in times of difficulty. That is a big risk that many addicts have to face but again he needs to learn ways of managing that. But again I will stress that this is on him and you cannot fix it or control it, only he can.

I also find it a bit worrying that he wants to get rid of his internet access for you alone because although I can appreciate he may be very frightened of losing you (no matter what it might appear externally) he really needs I think to be getting far away from porn first and foremost for himself and his own self respect and integrity. Motivation is really critical because it's what keeps him going. Otherwise this becomes an extension of "you made me do it" that is, "and so you will fix it for me." Which is equally broken and places an impossible emotional burden on you. He must learn to take care of himself.

Addictions create warped mindsets in those who engage in them and a lot of things he may say or do, I suspect may not seem rational or even make much sense to you. Denial, minimisation, projecting anger and deflection etc. He needs to get clean and with that I hope regain his empathy. That can happen with time and work.

And equally it's very important I think for you to get the help and support you need too. I'm really glad you can reach out here and see you are not alone and hope you can find whatever help you need out in the real world too. Trying to bear all of this on your own is a huge thing to carry and please do not underestimate that. It is a life changing thing to discover that alters fundamentally views of relationships and trust. Living with and trying to accept the damage and rebuild is a terribly difficult thing to do, through many good days and bad. There are other partners and help out there who either know first hand or have strong experience and skill in helping you through troubled times.

I truly hope you can both find the help and support you both need to work through this and again I am terribly saddened to hear all your upset and the hurt caused.

Peace.

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So much of what you have written, Nanook75, echoes my own situation - the differences being that over our more than 40 year relationship I had been aware on a number of occasions that my partner was using pornography, and on each occasion he had promised to stop.  I think that each time he made that promise he meant it, but did not have any understanding of the fact that he had an addiction.  It was only on the last occasion (also 18 months ago now) that I basically broke down and told him our relationship was over that he seemed to wake up to the situation. I got him to read a number of websites and articles and I think it was then the light finally dawned on him.  He has told me that until then he thought he was just 'made that way' or 'a nasty piece of work'.  Now he understands how porn addiction develops and what it does to the brain, he seems much more able to combat it.

Because of our work situation, we need to keep our internet connection, and so I decided early on that I would have to choose to trust that he would not use the internet for porn.  This has been very difficult, but part of my personal journey has been learning to stop trying to control or police his actions - this is his responsibility.

What he has found to be helpful has been:

  • Keeping talking, no matter what, and always demanding and offering honesty (even when that was painful to both of us)
  • Recognising what made him turn to porn (stress, boredom, anxiety - there was quite a long list), and finding alternative ways of dealing with it (running, music, dog walking)
  • Having plans in place for times when he could weaken (if he is alone in the house or away on a business trip, he plans activities which keep him busy and away from the computer and his laptop, which can be as simple as hoovering the house, or cutting the grass, or could be heading off to the cinema or meeting friends for a drink)
  • If he is tempted, then using the RUN mantra he found in Paula's self-help guide (Remove yourself from the situation; Undistort your thinking; Never forget what you have to lose)
  • Simplest of all - he keeps a card I sent him ages ago on his desk, right by his computer, as a reminder that this is NOT something which is unconnected to our life together (like your partner, his earlier responses were that this was somehow something separate to us as a couple).  It is a reminder that everything he does impacts on me too.

Dealing with the emotional anguish, the loneliness and the overwhelming sadness of this situation is exhausting and difficult, and sometimes feels just too bloody hard, but 18 months on I am beginning to feel that there may be a future for us, and that this may be something he can beat.  I do hope that you and your partner will find a way through this that works for both of you.  Please take care of yourself and be kind to yourself.  Let yourself cry when you need to and scream when you want to!  

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Hi Rob and Cowslip. Thank you so much for your kind words. I am actually in tears right now because it's the first time I have spoken to anyone about this, and to get a response from people who understand.

I agree with almost everything you have said. I am afraid that I have made my husband out to be a bad guy when really he is a genuinely sweet person. In all our years he would always put me first and treated me like a princess, only for this you could say we were the perfect couple. I know how truly devestated he is by this but he won't go and speak to anyone because he's feels they will tear him to pieces and he has already done that to himself. It's my fear that he thinks it's all over with now because he can see the damage it's caused and he said even the thought of it discust him now, but again how do I know he is telling me the truth. 

I do love him to bits and I know he loves me too but some days it takes all the energy I have even just to look at him not alone speak to him.

Do any of you think it could be possible that he is truly sorry and he is over this?

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Also Rob I do fear that he could return to porn because he is feeling so low and to be honest I am not doing anything to help this. I know I can be very cold to him but can't help it, it's either be cold or say things I will regret. 

After he stopped watching porn I noticed that he was checking out a lot more women than before. I think I found the answer to this on Your brain on porn. It told me that his brain was still seeking for the image that gave him that good feeling. Now we can't even go outside as it turns my stomach when I see him do this and he says he is afraid to look right or left. 

I know I am probably ranting now. Thanks for your response and to be honest I could really do with any advice you can give xxx

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