4 posts in this topic

Posted

Hello

Last New Year's Day (2017) I found out my husband had a porn addiction, had always had this issue. 

I found out because I was putting washing away in his cupboard and he had bought some used ladies knickers, which included a photo of the woman. 

Its fair to say the bottom dropped out of my world, my daughter (second child) was 10 months old and my son was 4. I had just returned to work. It was a dreadful and stressful time. My husband had just started a new job. I can see how this was all a contributing factor. 

We started marriage counselling, I saw a counsellor and he saw a counsellor about his issues. He completely engaged in the process. She told me she had never seen anyone engage as well in treatment. He knows and understands his triggers, he has lapsed a couple of times and we have dealt with it by adding restrictions to his phone. He did tell me about the time he lapsed. It sets me back in how I am coping with the problem. 

I know he loves me and that he's in recovery, we have a great relationship on the whole, make each other laugh, enjoy each other's company, still enjoy our sex life (after some work) but I have so much anger. Particularly in the run up to the anniversary of finding out. Which if I'm honest has ruined Christmas and new year. I worry that I'll never fully trust him again.

He kissed a woman at his work do before we were married, I am not sure I ever forgave him. But it was under similar circumstances, after his work do, when he was drunk. 

He has only had one relationship, with me. I was his first and I think he has disappointment that he never had his chance to sow wild oats. He says not, but I think a lot of this is to do with this issue. I understand that addiction is complex rooted in all sorts of family relationship issues. i think it's a little bit about his lack of experience too. Particularly given his preferences. 

What worries me is that, how can he ever really be happy with me. How will I ever be enough? How do I really work through this? Will it ever go away? The boundaries are set and he knows that another serious issue would be the end for us. But I don't know if I could ever go through with it, he's a wonderful father, I have come from a divorced family and I so did not want that for myself or my children. 

The waiting...the waiting for the next mistake is killing me and I don't know if I can ever trust him again. 

I am not sleeping, I am angry a lot, with him and it has affected all my relationships. My ability to trust people has also been affected. 

There are times when it is easier, but I feel like Christmas and the run up to the new year will always be like this. 

Thanks for reading 

 

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Posted

Dear Judith, I know how you feel. It is exhausting being vigilant all the time. The mistrust and hurt leads to anger. All these negative emotions take the joy out of the relationship. I am in the same place and don't know how to get better. 

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Posted

WW- it's nice to hear someone else feels the same. It's a lonely business working on your relationship and trying to put things right and help someone in recovery. Talking about it with him makes it worse as this makes him feel bad.

We had a big talk a couple of nights ago and have agreed that this year we will schedule a monthly chat to discuss how things are going. For his recovery and for me to move forward. But also to air the other irritations which seem harder to ignore since he revealed his secret. 

Good luck with your relationship- I hope things improve for you and also for me this year. I don't believe it has to be the end of a relationship but all relationships require a lot of work to sustain them. I hope I'm right. 

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Posted

Hi Judith, I understand how you feel completely. It can be very difficult to keep the resentment and anger in check. It's very difficult to apply the 'theory' of sex addiction to the situation when it stirs up such raw emotions. I've been dealing with my partner's addiction for 18 months now and I'm coping much better but sometimes I go right back to square 1. I know that sex addiction has very little to do with sex and everything to do with addiction but my sexual jealousy still gets the better of me. I know this is because of my insecurities and I need to focus on me and my recovery - not on his recovery. We are  working on our relationship to see if it can be salvaged. My partner seems to be in a sustained healthy recovery, so his life and associated mental health has improved beyond recognition. But the horror of the addiction has burdened me in a way I never imagined possible. I think it's really important to actively participate in your own recovery. I will have to 'forgive' BUT I don't see that as something I give him - it's something I give myself - the ability to abandon all hope of having a better past and to accept what's happened in my life and to move on ( with or without him). I want to move from being a partner in recovery to being a recovered partner.

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