Tell parents?

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Posted

Dont know whether to tell my parents about this. I need help and I am filled with guilt. It would brake my mums heart. I think I could say I am struggling with mental health and sex addiction. But detailing what I have done....no.

Please I am so stuck I need help. I cant reallt afford Paulas service. Anyone with some experience in overcoming tbis please pleasw please get in touch I am on the edge here

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Posted

Hi Yiksob,

I know i have already posted most of what is below in my reply to your responce to me. But i thought i should add it in here too. Just in case someone else wants to comment on it.

I read your post and my heat broke. I was brutally hard on my son when we discovered he had urges. I know, and me hidding my own addiction (pot kettle) Maybe he has inherited a faulty gene? 

i’m in no position to be offering advise...but... talk to your mum before she discovers it herself.  Its easier to chat about it when everyone is calm rather then having to explain your actions when tempers are raised.

good luck!! 

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Posted

Disclosing to people close to you is a very difficult thing to do. There are therapeutic approaches too which can help a lot.

I think a good question to ask yourself is why you want to tell her? I think being honest with yourself about that can help guide you.

I am 40 so don't feel accountable to my parents in that way. But I did disclose to my wife for a lot of reasons: I thought she was leaving me and wanted to be honest hoping it would bring us closer (my own insecurity), I also felt very guilty and wanted to come clean (unburdening myself onto her) and I suppose I wanted her to change and fix the problem for me (not taking responsibility). So my motivations were mostly selfish at the time and I wasn't really thinking about the true long term effects on her. It hasn't all been negative (we're still together 2 years later and working at it) but probably the only legitimate reason I think now is the honesty. Unfortunately it's not possible to disentangle that from all the other baggage. Hence why I think talking it through with a professional can be very useful.

You can never "untell" people afterwards either so I think it makes sense to think it through a lot and really scrutinise your motives before you do so. Sometimes the other person can also be holding in their own issues that you don't know about either which can make it harder still.

I think it's very positive that you want to be honest and open having carried this around for so long, that is a good thing I believe. But I would advise being cautious is how exactly you go about doing it and getting enough support for yourself before doing so. It is great to want to be honest though.

I also disclosed to my sister and a couple of close friends. I think the motivation I had there was generally more positive and I feel these are people more able to closely support me without me hurting them through my behaviours (unlike my wife). It was still scary but everyone I have disclosed to has been supportive.

The first time I disclosed was to Paula (before my wife) and then afterwards I went on to get help in group sessions. I got a lot of the sense of unburdening and support from those sessions - basically what I was trying to seek from my wife but it was very unrealistic and unreasonable if me to expect from her (it's not her job).

 

 

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Posted

Thanks for the responses.

Look I have told my parents I am struggling and need help but I did not go into detail. It is my personal issue and I think being so open would cause A LOT of harm.

And my motivation was probably my guilt...wanting to unburden as you say. 

I am made some silly mistakes but I dont think my parents need to know every last detail...just as I don't about them.

Nonetheless I am burdened with a heavy guilt each day.

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Posted

That feeling of guilt I can relate strongly to. For me, I think it's attached to the shame and it takes a long time to diminish. But working to let go of that and forgive yourself is well worth working at. Because otherwise it's easy for those feelings to drive you back to wanting to act out. In some ways is it part of the cycle but you are free of that now and can look forward to better things. Everyone does things in life they regret or feel bad about, some bigger than others. You know better now than you did then, in so many ways.

From the guys I know and see regularly (and my own personal experience), I think it is quite common to want to disclose to unburden yourself - a kind of confession to get all those things out that you have been keeping in and particularly might be ashamed of. I believe personally that's a good thing for an addict to have a safe place to be really honest without judgement. But absolutely critical is who you are honest with and who you tell. If you can share with a therapist or support group then these people in my experience can really help that unburdening process during recovery - you need a safe place to get this stuff out and explore it, to understand it and make sense of it. Those people in a suitable environment are the right set of people to do that with. However, doing that with people unprepared for it or with close personal relationships is a very different thing that requires much more careful thought and consideration because it's so easy to hurt and harm, create more problems or unburden yourself at the other person's expense. This is why I think it's important to ask why always and examine your own motives.

I think the key thing is you keep up the good work on yourself with your recovery. If your parents or others can help with tangible things then asking for that kind of help is the responsible thing to do. If instead you feel like you more need a place to share then perhaps finding somewhere else is more appropriate for that.

Peace

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