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Yiksob11

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I have got some work in London over the next two weeks. And this is great. I get out, make some money, meet new people, and socialise.

But the last time I worked in London I used sex workers a lot. So, I am making it my goal to not do so AT ALL during this period.

I think it will be a massive boost of confidence for me if I can be succesful. And I know that I will be. I plan to sleep early every night, make an effort with my colleagues, read verociously, keep positive and keep busy, meditate and exercise lightly each morn and night. I think that if I can keep my head straight then all will be well. The trouble is that I may get into a bad frame of mind where a relapse is difficult to overcome. Nonetheless, I have to believe that I can do this, and I do believe that I can do this.

Have a great day, more posts to follow

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Hello,

It's great to start over with a new chance and do things differently. I wish you every success.

I think understanding when and how you get into such a "bad frame of mind" is really important to stopping yourself going back down the old paths of coping by acting out. That's tricky to do sometimes but if you can spot that ahead of time and realise you are getting in a vulnerable place then you can do something about it before it gets too bad.

You also list a lot of healthy habits there but sometimes I think it's necessary to give yourself permission to be less restrictive at times and have fun when it is nothing to do with sex. Finding hobbies and activities can be a lot of fun in itself. For me, I found I need something and I'd I try to be "good" all the time or be needless then it just gets bottled up more and is a trigger to acting out. So I definitely need things that are mine. As long as those hobbies are safe, without shame and in the open then all is well.

I would really like to encourage you strongly to stay away from places and areas where you used to go and act out. Because I know from experience that going back there becomes a big trigger in itself, even if you're otherwise feeling fine. It can easily destroy hard work especially at the beginning where things are so fragile in recovery.

Further, for me, a critical part of recovery has been keeping away from any and all sexual fantasy and thoughts as much as possible and avoiding masturbation. Different people are different here but I found me always gently guiding my thoughts away from any sexual fantasy helps tremendously. Just being aware of that made me realise actually that I used to think about such things a lot but not really acknowledge how much time and distraction it was. It continues the porn fantasy in the mind, even when you are not acting out. So, if I let the fantasy thrive, it will keep the battle in my mind going on and on. I am fighting myself.

Peace

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Hi Yiksob

Well done you!  That's great news.

Another option to help you stay 'sober' is to attend 12 step meetings - there a lot in London and you could find one every evening of the week.  I attend SAA but there are others which you can find on the internet.  SA - sexaholics anonymous is another.

All the best.

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Thanks for all your comments, it means a lot to me. Makes all the difference.

So far so good! Feels amazing to be clean. I have been very tempted at times. But I feel that I am getting stronger and wiser.

I am yet to relapse seriously. Looked at a website for a few minutes on one occassion and that is all. I am really trying not to stare and lust over women. If I see a lady I think is stunning I  am just accepting that and not staring at them like they are an object, because I know a woman is not an object. I am disgusted that I treated women the way I did. I crossed moral lines when I paid for sex. It is hard for me not to regret my behaviour deeply, after a longish break I realise what an awful thing it was to do. I damaged my self esteem and put myself and loved ones at risk. I took advantage of vulnerable women. I hope my loved ones would forgive me. I hope the women I paid for sex would to. I have to forgive myself and prove to myself that I am not that person. That I am self respecting, kind, loving, and strong. I know that I have these qualities, and they did not disappear...I just let my negative qualities take control. I too am vulnerable, I hurt, I was lost, I was sucked into something and got deeper and deeper and now I am getting out. I was ill in the head to have acted like I did. For so many years out of my 21 I have relied on pornography and sex...aggressiveness and violation...to escape. I did not know what I was doing. I watched some porn and I couldnt get enough. I paid for sex with countless webcam girls, more than 20 escorts, and I went to a fair few massage parlours. All within 2 years. My mind was lost. And now it is coming to. But no excuses, I did wrong.

I think being clean for good requires a complete change in mindset. Sex and women are not escapes from reality or sources of a high. They should be positive parts of life. I dont need to have sex or jerk off every day to be happy. I dont need to make love to every beautiful woman I see to be happy. I need to respect sex and women and respect myself to be happy.

I feel that I  am on the way to getting better. To changing my mindset. By no means will it be easy but these past few days have made me realise that I  am strong, and with belief in myself and support from other people (like those on this forum) I will overcome this addiction.

I do want a loving relationship. And there are at least 3 occassions when I could have pursued that and maybe had it. But I do wonder now if that is possible. What woman would want to be with a guy who has slept with over 20 escorts? A guy so weak. A guy so wasteful of money. A guy so blinded by lust...with such self hate. I am sure they would be disgusted by me. Feel betrayed. I could never tell them, and that is an option...it is my past...and I would not expect to know all of theres. I could just say I slept around a lot. If someone were to forgive me that they would be very special. I want to make my addictive behaviour a thing of the past, I want to earn a woman's love and treat her like a queen. I have to think positive but cant ignore the negative.

Thanks for reading

Yik

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Ended up acting out on the last day. There were signs of progress, however.

Went to my GP who set me up with another service who then set me up with another. But it is too expensive for me.

Saying that soending money on a counsellor is better than on sex...

My current strategy is to push my non acting out to 3 weeks, I have reached 2 weeks twice now. I am ok with watching porn for now. I just want to quit paying

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Hi Yiksob

It seems to me that you did really well in London - shame about the slip on the last day.  Very frustrating.

Having been round and round the addiction cycle myself oh so many times - I can relate to your struggle.

My question though is, are you getting help?  The wisdom and advice of every addict in recovery, of whatever addiction, is that you can't do this alone.  I would suggest you need both professional support (and there is nothing in my experience quite like a group context for that) and a friend/sponsor.  Personally I would recommend Paula's Laurel Centre because it worked so well for me - I went on one of her intensives in May 2015 and haven't acted out (my problem was porn and seeing sex workers too) since. 

Keep coming back Yiksob - let us know how you are getting on.

 

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