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Hi all. I discovered this site on 23rd October after another weekend of acting out. I found some of the stories so inspirational. Found myself nodding in agreement as so much of what others have gone through resonates with me. I had stayed 100% clean from that date.....until this weekend where after yet another slip I feel I'm back to Square 1!

So what's my story? I think I discovered porn in my mid teens. A very shy guy growing up I never really had much luck with the opposite sex. Didn't lose my virginity until my mid twenties but all that time porn was my substitute. My emotional crutch when stressed, lonely sad or whatever. Anyway with the digital age, added to my porn addiction has come chat rooms where I seek cyber and phone sex. 

I'm 51 now. I've been married for 7 years to a wonderful woman who I love more than anything. No she has no idea about my problem. It would break her heart...and selfishly mine too if she were to find out. I haven' physically cheated on her but shamefullly the porn, cyber and phone sex has continued at various intervals during our marriage.

Having worked through Paulas Kick Start Recovery I have a clear understanding of my addiction of the roots of my addiction. Beating it of course is something else! I discovered new found motivation when I first found its site. So why did I slip? One of my triggers is loneliness and my wife has been away for this weekend. I mentally prepared for this and planned lots of positive things to do with my time. However I have a very stressful job and I have had something really big hanging over me from work this weekend. Stress is another trigger so I guess the two combined and I slipped again. Usual feelings of shame etc coupled with a renewed determination to beat this.

For anyone who has taken the trouble to read this far, thank you. I have found writing this quite therapeutic and would appreciate any thoughts or advice from anyone on this forum. Im not a bad person. I just just have a very bad problem which I need to address. My motivation is to lead a happy, healthy life and be the husband that my wife deserves.

Good luck to you all 

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Help!!!

It is a terrible thing being addicted sex.  I found the worst parts were the deceit, the shame and the isolation.  The irony is that we don't do the very opposite that would solve those issues, we go back that which causes the shame, isolation and deceit.

I am sorry to say, but you have to change something, otherwise nothing will change.  All addicts will say that you can't do this on your own - and in my experience the best person to help you get through this is your partner.  Yes it will be devastating but in all likelihood she will find out sometime, and she will say 'why didn't you tell me earlier'.  We are deceiving ourselves if we think we are doing them a favour by not telling them.  

If you think she might leave if you tell her now, then she is even more likely to leave if she finds out by other means in a few years time when you are further down the slippery slope - perhaps even seeing sex workers (which is where I ended up).

I did tell my wife, and it was the best thing I did and in the end saved my life and my marriage.  Paula said to me, "your recovery has to be more important than your marriage"?  Why?  Because if you don't recover, you probably won't stay married (and what sort of marriage is it when one is addicted!) - but if you do recover, you might well save your marriage.

I would encourage you to find a way to tell your partner.  Paula Hall & associates will help you do that well - that is really important.  Your spouse will need a lot of support and so will you.  It will be hell to begin with, you might lose her, BUT you might not - and in doing so have a better marriage than you have ever had, based on truth and trust and will be on a stronger road to recovery.

I wish you well.

 

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Thank you Yiksob11 and PJ for your insightful replies and good wishes. Finding this site is a real boost for me in making me accept I'm not some sort of freak and others have and are going through similar.

I've had a good week since last week' slip. Had time on my own in the house but with no thought of slipping. Went back and read my initial post which serves to remind me of what I want to achieve.

PJ, I totally understand where you're coming from and you may be 100% right in saying I can'tdo this alone, however disclosure to my wife at least at this stage is not something I can do. Never say never but right now my total focus is on staying clean. Strangely though since finding this site I really dont feel that im doing this alone. Thanks again for your words of support. Really means a lot.

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To all of you above, from a wife who did find out by shocking discovery, rather than being told the truth, do please consider telling your wife and asking for her support in your recovery.

To not be told the truth and to be constantly betrayed and deceived was the worst part of my husband's  addiction, even more than the behaviours themselves.

 And even then, once I discovered it, I supported him. It was his lack of commitment to recovery and his arrogant declaration that he was 'cured' after just 12 months which did not bear out in his behaviour or respect towards me that ended things for me. 

I congratulate you for having the courage to challenge your addiction, but I agree with Paula - if you don't recover, you probably won't stay married. A marriage based on betrayal is no marriage at all.

i wish you all the strength you need.

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  • 2 weeks later...

Hi all and happy Christmas!

I thought now would be a good point to check in. It' been over 3 weeks since my last slip and I can honestly say I've been 100% clean in that time. I'm feeling quite strong but wanted to check in as I know the next few days will be a test. 

My wife will be going away for a few days to spend time with family. I' staying at home due to work commitments. Historically that scenario would probably be a trigger for me acting out. I'm determined that won' happen this time although I know I've been here before. I have lots of positive things planned for the times when I'll be home alone and feel I have new found resolve to work through this. 

Good luck to all of you 

 

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Hi Help!!!

That is good news - no slip on 3 weeks.  

I would be interested in knowing what you have planned for the next few days. 

Two things that might help.

1. The AA "Just for Today" card.  You can find it here: https://www.alcoholics-anonymous.org.uk/download/1/Library/Documents/Newcomers starter pack PDFs/Just_for_today.pdf . The goal addicts give themselves is: Can I go through today without turning to my addiction?  We can deal with such short term goals much more easily - taking a day at a time.

2. The second is, rather than spend time on thinking about sex, spend time learning about your addiction.  Rob has put some very useful resources on this website here: http://paulahall.co.uk/forum/index.php?/topic/505-online-resources-for-addicts-wanting-help/ . I found Recovery Nation very good, but there is a loads of stuff out there that will strengthen your motivation.

Obviously loneliness is a big trigger for you - your wife being away is a going to be a big test for you.  I wish you well.

PJ

 

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Until i found this site, i just thought i was simply a dirty pervert. It took my wife catching me for me to realise that i needed help.

i was under the false illusition that i was’nt ‘actually’ cheating as i was just chatting to strangers on-line.  How wrong was i? She is devistated and i can barely look my wife in the eye. I can see the hurt in her face, it makes my shame and self hate worse.

she took the kids out to give me some space and i have never felt more alone. 

I have probably lost my wife because i thought i could contol my addiction, thought i could keep it secret. She even asked me why i didnt tell her and talk to her about it. To be honest i would’nt have known how to even start that conversation.  So ‘Help’ i know were you are coming from when you say you are afraid to tell your other half.

To the wife of the addict i ask, do you have any advise on how to tell a wife you have a problem? I was always afraid that she would just kick me out as soon as i owned up.

I am encouraged by what i read above and well done ‘Help’ you are getting there. 

PJ thank you for those links. I’ll be working my way through them this afternoon. 

Good luck everyone.

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Thanks PJ and Essex Addict for your comments. So I did have a slip 2 days ago and visited an online chat room. Am disappointed in myself but as you suggested PJ loneliness is a trigger and my defences were low when I returned home to an empty house. However I'm trying to draw on the positives. Historically such a slip would have resulted in a binge right up to my wife coming home. That hasn't happened and I've been clean now for 2 days. I am determined to stay that way until my wife returns on Sunday after which I hope it will get easier.  PJ thanks for the links. Really helpful. 

Essex Addict I'm really sorry to read your story. You are not a dirty pervert. You have, like all of us on here a problem that has spiralled out of control. I do hope that somehow you can resolve things with your wife although right now it will be very raw. If you haven' already, you need to try and understand the underlying reasons for your addiction. My triggers are loneliness, boredom, stress and anxiety  and I guess mist of all very low self esteem. Understanding your own personal demons is the first step on the long road to recovery. 

Good luck :)

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Help!!!  You are right to be encouraged.  Many people find recovery a slow process - 2 steps forward, 1 step back.  You did well not to binge.

What do you need to do differently Help!!! to reduce your chances of acting out in the until she gets home?  e.g instead of a chat room, when you get an urge, why don't you facetime/skype your wife?

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  • 1 month later...

Hi everyone , 

This is my first post here as a wife who found out in 2016 about my husband's porn addiction. After reading your post I just have to say that it was the secrecy,  lies and denial that hurt me the most. After 27 years together I felt that I didn't know the man standing in front of me. My advice is to tell your partner and hopefully ye can both work through it together. I do hope things work out for you.

It is a year and a half later and I still can't get over the pain and it is killing both my husband and I and our marriage. I really want to post my story here but still can't bring myself to tell.

All the best xxx

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