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My Story

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Posted

Hi all. I discovered this site on 23rd October after another weekend of acting out. I found some of the stories so inspirational. Found myself nodding in agreement as so much of what others have gone through resonates with me. I had stayed 100% clean from that date.....until this weekend where after yet another slip I feel I'm back to Square 1!

So what's my story? I think I discovered porn in my mid teens. A very shy guy growing up I never really had much luck with the opposite sex. Didn't lose my virginity until my mid twenties but all that time porn was my substitute. My emotional crutch when stressed, lonely sad or whatever. Anyway with the digital age, added to my porn addiction has come chat rooms where I seek cyber and phone sex. 

I'm 51 now. I've been married for 7 years to a wonderful woman who I love more than anything. No she has no idea about my problem. It would break her heart...and selfishly mine too if she were to find out. I haven' physically cheated on her but shamefullly the porn, cyber and phone sex has continued at various intervals during our marriage.

Having worked through Paulas Kick Start Recovery I have a clear understanding of my addiction of the roots of my addiction. Beating it of course is something else! I discovered new found motivation when I first found its site. So why did I slip? One of my triggers is loneliness and my wife has been away for this weekend. I mentally prepared for this and planned lots of positive things to do with my time. However I have a very stressful job and I have had something really big hanging over me from work this weekend. Stress is another trigger so I guess the two combined and I slipped again. Usual feelings of shame etc coupled with a renewed determination to beat this.

For anyone who has taken the trouble to read this far, thank you. I have found writing this quite therapeutic and would appreciate any thoughts or advice from anyone on this forum. Im not a bad person. I just just have a very bad problem which I need to address. My motivation is to lead a happy, healthy life and be the husband that my wife deserves.

Good luck to you all 

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Posted

Hey, hope you are well.
I can really relate to what you are saying. Glad to hear you have had a good run recently and that you are making progress. I just finished going over the Kick Start Recovery course today. I think it has definitely helped me to understand my addiction far better than I ever would have before. Just need to try and employ that R.U.N technique now! 
Loneliness is also a trigger for me which might link to my shyness.
Funnily enough I just had a great run of 2 weeks free of all that rubbish, came home from a holiday back to the grim English weather and all the other problems at home and I just could not face it. 
Everyone makes mistakes, I don't know if there are bad people just bad choices....maybe there is a difference between them but both are out there, best of luck with achieving what you want to achieve. And yeah, very therapeutic to chat about it. 

O.o

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Posted

Help!!!

It is a terrible thing being addicted sex.  I found the worst parts were the deceit, the shame and the isolation.  The irony is that we don't do the very opposite that would solve those issues, we go back that which causes the shame, isolation and deceit.

I am sorry to say, but you have to change something, otherwise nothing will change.  All addicts will say that you can't do this on your own - and in my experience the best person to help you get through this is your partner.  Yes it will be devastating but in all likelihood she will find out sometime, and she will say 'why didn't you tell me earlier'.  We are deceiving ourselves if we think we are doing them a favour by not telling them.  

If you think she might leave if you tell her now, then she is even more likely to leave if she finds out by other means in a few years time when you are further down the slippery slope - perhaps even seeing sex workers (which is where I ended up).

I did tell my wife, and it was the best thing I did and in the end saved my life and my marriage.  Paula said to me, "your recovery has to be more important than your marriage"?  Why?  Because if you don't recover, you probably won't stay married (and what sort of marriage is it when one is addicted!) - but if you do recover, you might well save your marriage.

I would encourage you to find a way to tell your partner.  Paula Hall & associates will help you do that well - that is really important.  Your spouse will need a lot of support and so will you.  It will be hell to begin with, you might lose her, BUT you might not - and in doing so have a better marriage than you have ever had, based on truth and trust and will be on a stronger road to recovery.

I wish you well.

 

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Posted

Thank you Yiksob11 and PJ for your insightful replies and good wishes. Finding this site is a real boost for me in making me accept I'm not some sort of freak and others have and are going through similar.

I've had a good week since last week' slip. Had time on my own in the house but with no thought of slipping. Went back and read my initial post which serves to remind me of what I want to achieve.

PJ, I totally understand where you're coming from and you may be 100% right in saying I can'tdo this alone, however disclosure to my wife at least at this stage is not something I can do. Never say never but right now my total focus is on staying clean. Strangely though since finding this site I really dont feel that im doing this alone. Thanks again for your words of support. Really means a lot.

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Posted

To all of you above, from a wife who did find out by shocking discovery, rather than being told the truth, do please consider telling your wife and asking for her support in your recovery.

To not be told the truth and to be constantly betrayed and deceived was the worst part of my husband's  addiction, even more than the behaviours themselves.

 And even then, once I discovered it, I supported him. It was his lack of commitment to recovery and his arrogant declaration that he was 'cured' after just 12 months which did not bear out in his behaviour or respect towards me that ended things for me. 

I congratulate you for having the courage to challenge your addiction, but I agree with Paula - if you don't recover, you probably won't stay married. A marriage based on betrayal is no marriage at all.

i wish you all the strength you need.

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