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lookingthrough

What's Next? Venting

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I have been seeing someone for just over a year and a half, but it was not until a few months ago that we were officially in a relationship. Last November, I found out he(31 years old) has been seeing sex workers since his adulthood began. He told me he has even been seeing them while knowing me. It was a highly emotional thing and in December, he promised he would stop and that he could simply not go back to the local brothel without need for any sort of intervention. November and December were spent emotionally drained by his behavior and I was pleased enough with just believing him because I had a lot to do concerning moving to a new town and getting fully situated with new recreational activities, classes, jobs, volunteer opportunities. 

 

The same month of moving I had a serious mental condition which I can not explain nor could the doctors. I would hardly walk, bending over was excruciatingly painful. I thought it was a UTI, but the doctor said it seemed to come from higher and they said I may need surgery. While on the waiting list for treatment, I was on antibiotics for a month. This stopped the pain, but then I was faced with a new issue of re-occurring yeast infections. This soon turned into green vaginal discharge and a scent that I never experienced before.

 

Visits to the STI clinic led to nowhere; I was told I am clean other than strep B, which I was assured is painful and does not affect discharge. Frustrated with not knowing what was happening to me, I confronted my partner in July of this year. He came clean; he seen four escorts since the December promise to stop. One time was the week of my birthday, the other around the time I first met his family, one was the day he went to apply for the Master's program I suggested he check out, and another was for his birthday. I lost it mentally and have yet to fully come around. I get very subconscious when it comes to sex, I gained nearly fifteen pounds though I have not changed my eating patterns, I speak to him about escorts every time I see him, I look through his phone weekly, I break down and cry regularly. The worst part of this all is I have opened the box to a self I have stored deeply away for so long. I have been very cruel with my words and verbally abusive. I get so angry over things non-related to the cheating that I feel my face getting warm. This was to be a year of me reclaiming my life; I was in a runt for awhile since I was left destitute by my ex-husband in a foreign country three years ago, struggling to adjust to the country I now consider home. The year to reclaim my life in a very productive setting has been disrupted; though I am productive, I find myself slipping every now and then and very much out of energy from all this worry and sorrow. 

The person I am seeing said he agrees, it was time for outside help. Soon enough, two months passed without much change. Social media filled with escort pages and promiscuous women flaunting their sexuality remained, online dating site usernames remained, motivational literature from a mental health organisation were not read, he did not complete the assignments in our cognitive behavioral therapy class, and no treatment was sought. All while I was still bombarded with all these draining emotions. What to do? We argued, tears were shed, and I threatened to leave unless more change occurred.

He visits me more frequently though this does not necessarily put my mind at ease because I know once he goes, he could be up to anything. He finally found a local therapist who says she specialises in sex addiction. Erratically, he would visit the therapist but this inconsistency was concerning. Well, after another STI clinic visit that came out with no answers, I decided to pay for a private smear. I was diagnosed with HPV. Things changed at this stage. I am now aware I have an incurable STD. Emotions ran higher, with guilt and shame plaguing me daily. I nag him to get into a twelve step program to no avail. I try to get him to go to confidential mental health weekly meet ups for support with whatever he is going through with no luck.

It has been one year now since he has come clean about his fixation on prostitutes last November. How much has really changed? Not a lot. The online content he chooses to follow on social media remain, therapy is not attended regularly, and it was only two days ago that he came clean that he checks out the website where he buys escorts on a weekly basis. He says he does not have a problem but at the same time says he must look at these escorts on a weekly to bi-weekly basis to help pacify an urge. He said this is the healthiest way for him. The social media, he says he is attached to those people's pages because it is what he has looked at during his lowest point in life.

 

I am at wits' end. Nothing I do, no matter how much energy I spend on this, is enough for a break through. I have decided after a year to walk away, but I have not fully committed to doing this yet. I fear he will go back to the brothel after a few months without sex, I fear the people who may contract HPV through him, I fear he will get AIDS, I fear he will end up on the newspaper during a brothel raid. What to do? In a moment of desperation, I contacted his sister on facebook and told her about his issue and how a family intervention may save his life. I was told that I am a liar and nothing progressed further. Walking away without accomplishing anything for him is difficult. Sometimes I say to myself I have failed him, but within moments I know that I did all within my power. I think "you can lead a horse to water, but you can not make him drink it". Other times, I feel as though I failed myself. So much of this year has been wasted due to emotional turmoil when I should of simply walked away. I seem to never be good at just walking away. Now, I spent a year in a very uncomfortable state, not living that enriching life I could, perhaps, of lived if I was not so engulfed in all his drama. I have justified my decision to leave with the fact that within a year, the minimal progress I expected has not been reached.

 

I am venting on this site I found this morning when I really should be completing an essay for college that is due tonight. My mind is elsewhere and college is something I do not feel like engaging in. Surely all that I am going through is something someone can relate to. May seem odd, but since I do not know who to vent to, I am taking this online. Co-sex addiction is something I need to think about and how to get past this hurdle without looking back. 

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Wow! Lookingthrough, it sounds like you have been and are going through hell.  You are an amazing woman to have survived this far, but it does sound as if you are at the end of your resources.  

I think if you want the best for him (and for yourself more importantly), you need to assert boundaries and keep to them.  You mention 'co-sex addiction' - do you mean 'co-dependency'?  If you think that you might be co-dependent, I would recommend a book called 'Co-dependency for dummies' as somewhere to start to understand how you are reacting to his stuff.   

He needs help too.  If he is open to that, then point him to this website, or a 12 step programme - they have groups in many parts of the country.

Keep coming back.  There is hope.  

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