Really angry and unhappy with my addiction

[psh]

Just spent £150 on porn and am really angry and unhappy. I'm in my late 30's married and I have almost no interest sexually in my partner although I love her to bits, I use porn when I'm stressed and bored and have never really seen it as an issue or a problem. Recently started to see the links between general unhappiness and the use of pornography further research made the link between pornography and the inability to concentrate (don't know whether this is true or not) . But pornography and computer game use have always been constants throughout my life since I was 18+ and I feel that this has been related to my ability to complete course work at college and university, my lack of employment for many years and now is having an impact on my employment. Staying up late, being very stressed has been a constant companion in my life. I'm hoping that giving up porn will address some of these issues. 

 

I do feel as though I have a difficulty in making connections with people and I don't know whether this is because of porn, but I now feel lonelier then I ever have and am not confident in social  interaction very easy despite having what some would consider a job that requires such confidence.

 

When I was much younger I cross-dressed and this is also led to interest in Sissy and cross dressing porn, and into sexual behaviors that unrelated to my sexual preference. I don't identify myself as TV Bisexual or Gay.

 

I don't know what to do, I've recently read a book about a 12 step program by a famous celebrity, and have found a local 12 step group. However I'm not very spiritual, consider myself an atheist and am not sure that this is for me.  I just want some direction.

[Christine]

Hi you might find it helpful to use the kick start recovery kit this is a free self help resource for sex and porn addiction and this may give you some direction the website address is: www.pornaddictionhelp.co.uk it might then be worth looking at meeting with a therapist to discuss your direction in more detail. Christine

[Rob]

I'd second Christine's suggestions.

Here too are some online resources to help get you started:

Personally I found my porn use was correlated with how happy I was with myself and my life. The more angry, withdrawn and unhappy I was, the more porn I'd want which made me more.... you guessed it - angry, withdrawn and unhappy.

Like you, I used to think that I "needed" porn in order to perform well at work or, to a lesser extent, with studies. I found in reality, I was using porn to cope with the stress and mask anxiety and insecurity.

What you describe about your porn viewing and past sexual experience is a brave and honest thing to admit. I think your experience of going off into realms that don't hold any real life attraction is a common experience for guys who've used porn a lot - it's part of the escalation behaviour that the addiction wants to drive. I appreciate that can be difficult to reconcile too. A common one I see a lot is straight guys who find themselves compelled to look at gay porn, for example. It doesn't make immediate sense with respect to their sexuality and getting to the bottom of why is going to be a personal journey, perhaps with a therapist, to really get the bottom of why you feel drawn to certain types of porn.

Again personally I found that being free of porn (I make a clear distinction here with "giving up") didn't make all my anxieties and problems go away. In fact, it did the opposite in many ways - it brought to the surface things I had been using porn to avoid and bury. But I don't want to put you off at all - it forced me to learn better ways of addressing or letting go of those issues which are part of everyone's life experience really but critically without continuing a destructive sexual relationship with myself. The hard part for me personally is that it took my wife having an affair for me to wake up and realise the destruction I'd been creating.

I've never been to a 12 step group but I have had a lot of support from group work in general. I'm convinced that was pivotal for me to change. I think finding similar guys in the real world is so very important.  I'm also an atheist but would hope that I could put that aside and gloss over the "God parts" of 12 step to get what I need from it. I believe there are more "religion optional" 12 step groups around. Maybe I am being naïve about myself, I don't know but I'd hope that it would help me get clean without ending up in church every week... I guess what I mean most of all is that I wouldn't want it to hold me back from change.

Peace.