How do I get through this?

8 posts in this topic

Posted

Hi All,

I desperately need help and advice. I have recently found out my husband has a sex addiction. He is in complete denial...At first he had the attitude that he would do what it takes to save our relationship, he still loves me, finds me attractive, we have a wonderful family together. He is working away and has now said he can’t see a way through this, he thinks it would be better for us to separate. I can see that he is ashamed and it is tearing him apart. He is sending me mixed signals all the time. Do we have any hope? Are the mixed messages due to him battling his own demons or do I accept that he means it? I want to make this work more than anything but how much more can I take? Any advice would be grateful, I just feel so confused and desperate!

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Posted

Hi In despair

I have this addiction, although I free from the behaviour for two and half years now.  Whilst I haven't been in a 'partner's' shoes, I have seen close up how hellish this is for partners.  It doesn't surprise me you are picking up mixed signals, addicts go through cycles - deep guilt and remorse, but at other times obsession and excitement as they start thinking about acting out again.  It is a terrible world to be stuck in - both for you and for him.  It must be made more difficult for both of you in different ways living much of the time at a distance.

There is hope, always hope.  I am still with my partner despite my own unfaithfulness and we are on a good, if at times difficult, journey of rebuilding our marriage.  All I am saying is that it is possible (obviously many marriages do breakdown after a sex addiction becomes known by the partner).  I think for real hope though, you both need to get some help - you can't do this on your own.  He needs to plug into a 12 step programme or one of Paula Hall's courses.  There are two books, both by Paula which I would recommend - one for specifically for partners and one on sex addiction.  Both would be invaluable for you both.   I would also encourage you to confide in a friend or two to walk this rough and dirty road with you.

Lastly, don't go soft on him.  He needs boundaries and consequences.  

Do come back on here and give us updates.  

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Posted

Hi PJ,

Thanks for your response. He has decided to leave us, his decision. He came to the decision yesterday morning and told the children in the afternoon. They are devastated, as am I. It feels like he’s rushed the decision, Like he told the children quickly so that there was no going back. I have realised that he’s been emotionally abusing me for years, all my suspicions were correct, yet he didn’t just deny them but made me feel like I was going mad. I can’t see a way through this now, he still denies it’s an addiction and I feel like he’s just burying his head in the sand. He’s now lost everything as I can’t possibly go back on this after he so flippantly came to the decision to crash down our children’s world. I was prepared to try, even knowing it could fail but he couldn’t even do that. I can’t help the feeling that there must be something wrong with me, I know you will say, it’s all him but he’s always known what he could lose. 

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Posted

Also, His parents were told. They never even spoke to him about it. It seems like no one but me told him how wrong he was or showed him what he was losing. He didn’t speak to anyone about this, has had no advice. I fear that this will be a downward spiral for him. 

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Posted

Hi I have a similar situation I told my husband I did not want a marriage like this to which he replied "you have to accept me as i am" (that being both sex addict, porn addict and other multiple addictions.  I replied no I dont you need help, he said well we will get divorced so i said yes ok. We were in the process of selling our house (two weeks off completion) I said he could take anything he needed.  He said he never married to get divorced... he asked for it ??  We had a flat we were buying as a stop gap ( in my name), I said I would pay it off he could have it as his settlement.  He took everything he wanted, I rented a flat but 3 days before completion of sale it looked as if it was not going through.  My husband was telling me he was 'not doing anything' but his actions and total dissociation said differently.  Whilst I was talking to agent about possible sale not going ahead he was on computer looking for new office desk and book case, he never commented on sale issue but asked which desk he should have and complained i was not helping him enough!! What planet is he on.  He booked to go see his family the day after the initial completion date  ( to be fair this date was set for family event) so he moved out one night came home next night then moved out for 2 days.  The last time he came to the house I gave him remainder of his paperwork and told him to pick any photos he wanted, He finally asked what was happening with sale but I still was not sure so he left it that.  He never asked what I would do if it fell through etc I then asked "what happened to the man i married" - at that point he dashed out with tears running down his face.  He sat in his car outside and then text me to say 'sorry could not talk the pain was too much to bear xx'     I finally sold the house but we agreed that after selling I would pay flat off and put in his name only and I would keep remainder.  Well I never heard from him but had text 2 days ago ( which is now 6 weeks period) saying he hoped I was well and could I email copy of agreement we made (re flat and house sale monies) and let me know where we are at, thank you.  its mixed messages and all about him i think.  I have not replied as yet as not really sure how to reply.  But i do know if he does not get support I cant live with him, yes I love him but I dont like him in addict mode as he is immature ans selfish as they all are.   Like you he has told his family and friends, no one has contacted me because they dont see it, he seems so normal to everyone else.

I dont know if he wanted a divorce or it was just another manipulation, I did not want divorce but without recovery i am better off without him even though it brakes my heart.  I too worried at first what will become of him but its his choice he knows he has multiple addictions but seems to wear it a badge to allow his bad behavior which i think is extensive but never got full disclosure.   As the weeks go by my stress is going down slowly and I am in therapy myself so taking one day at a time and will see what happens if anything, time does allow anxiety to drop a little and yes it is worrying when they are so emotionally immature how they will mange but they have to grow up.

However its interesting that most sites/posts relating to addicts say they tend to stay with primary partner so not sure what makes an addict finally go maybe because they enjoy the addiction or are too afraid to give it up and know we have finally seen the other side of them.  None of those options give me much comfort because that translates as they prefer their addiction over you or they dont trust you enough to go through the recovery process or the constant battle in the relationship causes too much guilt or gets in the way of the addiction.

And finally yes it hurts but without any form of recovery the hurt will only get worse so again one day at a time, its his choice and you must take car of yourself first.     

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Posted

Hi In Despair

Wow - he isn't in a good place if he denied it and make you feel like you are going mad.  That sounds very tough.  I presume he has now left?

It seems to me that you need to now focus on your own recovery from this, and the recovery of your children.  I would recommend you get as much support as you can through this period.

I wish you well.  

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Posted

Thanks for your response PJ.

Yes, he has left. He has his head in the sand. He’s staying with a work colleague and seems completely unaware of the damage he has caused to us all. There is no going back for me now, I just need to ensure security for my children. I have struggled finding any support so would be grateful if you could give me some pointers?

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Posted

Hi In Despair

I'm so sorry for you. It's a devastating place to be.

I've been where you have....for two years now. My conclusion? Don't look back.

I was asked by my counsellor to give it a year before making a decision to leave my 20-year relationship. I realised that I wasn't prepared to ride that tumultuous roller coaster of more gaslighting, more lies and deceptions, more financial controlling and emotionally abusive behaviour from him, even if he had committed to stay in recovery. 

I have children to consider and I felt it was best to end the marriage because he didn't stay in therapy. He declared himself fixed after a year. A man who has been an addict since early teenage years. I know that a year doesn't cut it. But he's not interested in mending his issues, and is still busy blaming the breakup on me. It's very isolating. Without telling anyone the truth, he has been telling our mutual friends that I am to blame. There is no moral code within him. No hope.

My experience says look forward and keep going. Look after yourself and your family now.

 

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