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Katie

Need serious advice/support

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I don't know who is out there and how to begin, or if I can even be helped but I am utterly lost.

i have a bf with three beautiful children, who I was/am deeply in love with. I have just discovered he has been addicted to porn for years. Worse than that, he has been addicted to a gay dating site and been using it for attention. Putting up explicit photos of himself, in our home. Recieving messages from guys, etc. 

I have asked him if he is gay (the porn was gay too) and he promises he is not. He said that it was an extension of his porn addiction. 

I really don't know what to think. I want to help him. But I don't think I'm strong enough. I cannot sleep, eat and feel no joy. He has betrayed me. And every time I have a quiet moment all I see are the naked photos of him and messages from guys and I want to get myself. 

Its so hard to go about day to day life. 

Please help me. 

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Katie

How awful for you to discover this, you are very brave to write on the forum. Right now it sounds like you are still in shock following the discovery and this will make your day to day functions very difficult. I hope your partner is able to seek help for a porn addiction, this addiction can make you behave in ways that do not represent who you really are, like all addictions they usually develop because you are trying to deal with something that causes you pain, the internet provides the opportunity to develop this addiction and before you know it your further into the addiction and wonder how you ever got their. At this moment in time you, may need to give yourself time before making any decisions about what to do or to work out how to feel, finding support through an agency who supports people with the addiction and supports partners might be the answer to getting help, so that you can make sense of the situation you find yourself in. When you have a quiet moment to yourself I wonder if it would help to have something that you can focus on that allows you time to relax without having the trigger of the images, which will cause you to feel more trauma and upset. Perhaps get a book, or have some meditations you can read to affirm who you are, your own sense of self care is vital during this time and you can take time to work out what is right for you. Take care Christine 

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Thank you so much for responding.

I have listened and already understand much more about the reasons behind this addiction. 

The problem I have is that a lot of my time is quiet time because I am currently breastfeeding, which makes the concentration on another task hard (I don't always have a book etc to hand). 

Also, a lot of areas in my house become triggers because of where the photos weee taken/where he would go to do these secret things. 

All advice greatly appreciated. 

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Hi Katie

I empathise with your situation and the loneliness / panic/ upset you must be experiencing. I'm in a relationship with a man who also has an addiction to sex lines/ chat rooms and he is working on recovery however it is a hard and long process for us both. I've learnt that some of the sexual behaviours are linked to trauma from the past.

My partner has recently confessed more behaviours and that he has been relapsing which brought his initial confession and the rand of emotions flooding back. One thing to realises is that it is nothing to do with you not being 'good enough' - sex addiction is linked to attachment and trauma in the past. I've learnt that yes, I may contribute in my relationship in ways that may be unhelpful but we are not responsible for the other persons addiciton.

I went to s- anon for a few sessions which helped to know there are others who are in similar positions as we end up also holding shame for this stigmatised addiction:

http://www.s-anon-uk.org/hope---help-1.html

 

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Thank you for this response.

 

its more the chatting to men about meeting etc. I just can't understand how that links to the addiction. There has to be a line somewhere. Surely. 

Edited by Katie

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An addiction is not a rational behaviour, which is why it often makes no sense, whenever we try to make sense of it. The escalation of behaviour and the very nature of addiction often means that lines are crossed, these lines can represent someones values, behaviours, beliefs. Part of the process of recovery is about someone reclaiming who they are and understanding their own addictive behaviour patterns. Separating out  who the person is and how the addiction has impacted them can take time and this is difficult to do when you have been hurt as a result of the behaviour. This does not excuse the behaviour or take away the hurt but it does explain the reasons at some level. Take care and look after yourself Christine

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