finally admitted it to myself ...


4 posts in this topic

Posted

I finally admitted it...

To my self. 

Probably over 10/15 years I've been struggling with sex addiction... in some way or another. 

But only now I'm admitting it,

I guess I always thought I was just normal or just a cheat or that it was the other persons fault, not mine. I didn't want to admit it was something I was struggling with... it was the shamefulness of it all. Every time my addiction brought me to that point i had to act up on it... i felt like Jekyll & Hyde, Then just absolutely terrible after.

You fall into a sudden deep pool of despair & hatred towards your self afterwards, Which I can only imagine other addicts can only understand. My current partner is the only one that is forcing me to get help.. more for me than anything else, But I feel I'm not worth it and maybe thats just the depressed side of the addiction talking. 

I feel I know how I feel inside, but just can't portray it on the outside.. to everyone else. I also hate talking about it as it makes it so much more real, which in hand makes me feel  even more low & depressed.

I know if i focus and find a way I can beat this or at least control it for a normal, happier life... I NEED too. But now more than ever for the first time.. I WANT to!.

My names Darren and I'm a sex addict.

 

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Posted

Hi Darren,

Well done for having the courage to stand up and be open and honest about your struggles. It is a very tough thing to face.

I can connect a lot with the feelings you describe - the "Jekyll and Hyde" split, the shame and feeling out of control of your behaviours. These are sadly common things a lot of addicts share. Feelings of depression and worthlessness are also something I can identify with and I know from experience are very real. I'm sorry to hear you're going through all this.

Here are some links to help you get more information on how to tackle this problem:

http://paulahall.co.uk/forum/index.php?/topic/505-online-resources-for-addicts-wanting-help

I hope these are useful to you to better understand that you are certainly not alone in this and to understand things so you can stop your behaviours and change things for the better.

Personally, I've found real-life support groups invaluable to meet real men who also struggle with this problem and how we can help each other work through it.

Peace.

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Posted

Hi Darren, I'm not sure if my response from the partner perspective will be helpful but I hope so. Your story mirrors that of my partner - the shame, the guilt, the overwhelming urge to act out, the downward spiral etc etc. Then the 'relief' when it is discovered or disclosed and the chance for a new beginning. I hope you are accessing specialist support to help you to beat this thing and give you back your life. Your partner is 'forcing you' to get help you say. Take something from that. The majority of partners would have cut and run on such a discovery. She hasn't but now your pain has been transferred onto her as her world collapses. So you have both embarked upon the road to a sustained healthy recovery ( I hope). Your feelings of worthlessness are not based on reality. Specialist SA therapy will help you to understand the emotional root causes of your addiction. Please never feel you are not worth it. There is a woman in your life who knows you are. You will come to know that you are worth it too. My partner's life has changed beyond all recognition since discovery just over a year ago. He got his acting out under control straight away but we both knew that would not be enough. He's working hard on understanding his feelings of worthlessness, being a failure, fear of rejection and abandonment. He knows he must do that in order to avoid the emotional triggers that lead to the acting out behaviours. As a partner that's the evidence of true recovery I'm looking for. Without that I'd live in constant fear of relapse.

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Posted

Hi Darren, if your partner is forcing you to seek help. It is a good thing because she is not being judgemental and understands your plight. As worthyhope rightly says the majority of partners would have scarpered. I wish you all the success.

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