Facing the Truth... and Struggling to cope

[Kitty]

Firstly... how glad am I to have found this forum and be so reassured it isn't just me this is happening to and other people are having exactly the same feelings, I am not going insane.

My life has been thrown up in the air 6 and a half weeks ago and I'm still trying to get a foot back on the ground... but struggling.

My story starts 8 years ago when I met my boyfriend, not 6 and a half weeks ago which I will come onto.

At the time I was single, mid thirties, enjoying life and experimenting with experiences, some of them sexual. I met a guy who told me he was on a swingers website. Now this relationship wasn't ever going to turn into anything other than sex and at the time as I have said I was enjoying the sexual freedom of single life. 

We posted a profile together and had a couple of encounters. That fizzled out and a guy I had met with the other guy contacted me and we started seeing each other, again had a profile together, met couples, went to a couple of parties etc etc. As it progressed I began to realize this wasn't for me. The guy was only interested in his sexual encounters (now I understand he had an addiction) I was becoming emotionally attached... so it ended.

Rather than just move on I set up a single woman profile, at the time enjoying what felt like some kind of sexual power. 

It was then I got chatting to another guy... we met and "really connected". This was different, I totally fell for him and he did me. The relationship started fueled by sexual desire but quickly moved to much more and love. At the time we lived a distance apart but after 6 months I relocated and we lived together.

So, here is the first thing.... I knew he was on a swinging site when I met him and we discussed during those initial months the many things he had done.... a lot being while he had been with his previous girlfriend. 

This was different... she obviously didn't give him what he needed sexually which I why he seemed it elsewhere I told myself. I had details of his previous encounters... organizing parties, having affairs (he had a period of time where he would say he was going to work but was going to another woman's house all day to have sex) meeting couples etc etc 

Remember... this was different. He wouldn't be telling me if he wanted to still do it.

Things went along as they do, sex became less when we moved in together. We were in love.

About 18 months in I began to get feelings something wasn't right so I went onto the swingers website one night when I had gone to bed. Bingo within 2 minutes up popped a profile (no pictures) and from the wording I knew it was him... and he was showing as online. Confronting him downstairs in the living room he didn't deny it, said he was just looking nothing had happened and deleted his profile.

Life continued....but a fear was always with me. I never truly trusted him. All the usual signs were there biggest one being he would NEVER leave his phone anywhere for me to see. 

3 years ago a letter arrived for him which he opened in front of me. A parking ticket for a couple of weeks before. It didn't make sense, that wasn't where he said he was that night. I confronted him and he told me he had gone to meet a friend who wanted advise on organizing a party.... where a load of guys go to perform sex acts with a "girl"  He told me he wasn't involved... just giving advice.

Life carried on but I was suspicious. One night he left his phone out and I looked. I found a text from a guy about meeting a woman with details of what by BF needed to do... arrive, act out with her etc. This was a couple of weeks before so I knew it happened. Again confronted him and he admitted it. This encounter happened on a Monday morning... BF had to met them outside somewhere and have sex with her.

This was now real, it had happened.

What I should mention is by now infact 3 years before our sex life stopped... over a period of time but we no longer had sex.

We talked, we cried, we discussed our sexual relationship and he told me it would change, we stayed together. 

Another 3 years passed, still no sec, feelings of him lying increased. Some examples, Phone was still an issue and never left his pocket, I would work away call him and no answer, later he would call me back but be outside (why are you outside in the garden ringing me when you say your at home and it's winter) being distant.

I ignored my feelings I had no evidence and without that I couldn't confront him.

Then 6 and a half weeks ago my world collapsed. I received a message on social media from a woman telling me she had been seeing my BF for 3/4 years. My heart raced, this was not what I expected, an affair? Not just random encounters with strangers? I replied to her and over the next 3 hours discovered a few things.... She had been in my house, a lot of times while I was working away. She described my bedroom wallpaper. They had been on the swingers site together as a couple and had visited clubs. She had fallen in love with him and had tried to kill herself because of him. She sent me pictures of her in my house with my dogs. She said she wanted revenge as he had hurt her. She said he told her he had feelings for her. She sent me text messages between the 2 of them. She told me he couldn't leave me because he would lose money in our house. BINGO I knew then he didn't want to leave me as that was a lie... I own the house. For some reason that felt like s victory. She told me she had tried to contact me a few days before on a different social media and had sent BF the screen shots. So he knew she was going to tell me? During the conversation she told me she had called him and told him I knew. No call from him. Eventually I called, he said it was true and he came home. The discussion that followed is a bit of a blur but key facts are - he loved me, he wanted to be with me, she was a nutter (his words) he only wanted to have sex with her (but not me... what is wrong with me??) he was sorry, it was over, they had met 1 couple on the website, he wasn't thinking straight when bringing her into my bedroom, it was at least 20 times she came to my home. A few days in one of my questions was what else is there as it can't only be what I have found out? How many other encounters? He said no more that was it. 

I realized what I was facing and that he was a sex addict. One of my "conditions" if we were going to try to work this out was to visit a counsellor so I searched out one that dealt with SA.

I was devastated, out of control, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, horrific anxiety (never had it before and always dismissed people with it) constantly feeling like on a knife edge. Working away the first time was a massive deal... what was he doing, was she there? All these feelings are still there nearly 7 weeks on. No control over my emotions... cry whilst shopping, burst into tears in the car. Highs and lows have been a big part of the last few weeks. He is demonstrating a big desire to change, I have code for his phone, he leaves it out, constantly texting me while he is out as he knows I get very anxious then, sends me pictures of where he is.

My last 7 weeks have been consumed by "picking a scab" as Paula describes it. Obsession with looking at her social media profile, looking at her pictures, comparing myself, trying to understand what she had that I don't. I should also mention after the first day I stopped responding to her messages, but they continued and became nasty. I blocked her from all social media but she set up a new account and messaged me saying "see your still together you are a desperate bitch" Checking emails, finding emails from earlier this year about arranging meets. 

 

The counseling started. He got a huge amount from the first session and then went on his own. Came back on a high saying it really helped. My first solo session was not what I expected, or my reaction wasn't. The reality hit when she said "sex addiction". I knew this so why has hearing it from someone else floored me so much?

What I have realized is what a huge thing this is and it isn't going to be easy or quick to resolve. I'm scared, can I cope if he relapses? Can I manage my scab picking? Can I control the anxiety? Will we ever have sex again? Can I become that sexually confident woman I was when I met him again? Will this feeling ever go? Will I be able to control my emotions? Will I manage to get through this? Will he be able to overcome this?

At the moment I don't have those answers. Love may not be enough but I'm still here and trying to become the partner of a sex addict. 

 

 

 

 

 

Edited August 6, 2017 by Rob
Edited out some detail of acting out behaviours

[Gabriel]

Hi Kitty,

Hi Kitty,

Thank you for posting on the Forum, I know it takes courage to reach out and let others know what you're experiencing and I'm sorry to read what a hard time you're having right now.

The questions you're asking yourself are very understandable and most partners in your situation ask themselves the same questions.

It sounds like you're reading, of have read Paula's Partners Perspective book and I hope that has been helpful. Many partners find having their own counselling to support them through this difficult time very helpful, preferably with someone trained and experienced in supporting partners of Sex Addicts.

If that was something you felt would be useful, one place you could start to look for a suitable counsellor is the ATSAC (the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Addiction and Compulsivity) website: http://www.atsac.co.uk/out-of-control-sexual-behaviour

There is also a support group for the Partners of Sex Addicts that I know many have found very supportive and useful.: http://www.cosa-recovery.org/states/UnitedKingdom.html

Best Wishes

 

Gabriel.

 

Firstly... how glad am I to have found this forum and be so reassured it isn't just me this is happening to and other people are having exactly the same feelings, I am not going insane.

My life has been thrown up in the air 6 and a half weeks ago and I'm still trying to get a foot back on the ground... but struggling.

My story starts 8 years ago when I met my boyfriend, not 6 and a half weeks ago which I will come onto.

At the time I was single, mid thirties, enjoying life and experimenting with experiences, some of them sexual. I met a guy who told me he was on a swingers website. Now this relationship wasn't ever going to turn into anything other than sex and at the time as I have said I was enjoying the sexual freedom of single life. 

We posted a profile together and had a couple of encounters. That fizzled out and a guy I had met with the other guy contacted me and we started seeing each other, again had a profile together, met couples, went to a couple of parties etc etc. As it progressed I began to realize this wasn't for me. The guy was only interested in his sexual encounters (now I understand he had an addiction) I was becoming emotionally attached... so it ended.

Rather than just move on I set up a single woman profile, at the time enjoying what felt like some kind of sexual power. 

It was then I got chatting to another guy... we met and "really connected". This was different, I totally fell for him and he did me. The relationship started fueled by sexual desire but quickly moved to much more and love. At the time we lived a distance apart but after 6 months I relocated and we lived together.

So, here is the first thing.... I knew he was on a swinging site when I met him and we discussed during those initial months the many things he had done.... a lot being while he had been with his previous girlfriend. 

This was different... she obviously didn't give him what he needed sexually which I why he seemed it elsewhere I told myself. I had details of his previous encounters... organizing parties, having affairs (he had a period of time where he would say he was going to work but was going to another woman's house all day to have sex) meeting couples etc etc 

Remember... this was different. He wouldn't be telling me if he wanted to still do it.

Things went along as they do, sex became less when we moved in together. We were in love.

About 18 months in I began to get feelings something wasn't right so I went onto the swingers website one night when I had gone to bed. Bingo within 2 minutes up popped a profile (no pictures) and from the wording I knew it was him... and he was showing as online. Confronting him downstairs in the living room he didn't deny it, said he was just looking nothing had happened and deleted his profile.

Life continued....but a fear was always with me. I never truly trusted him. All the usual signs were there biggest one being he would NEVER leave his phone anywhere for me to see. 

3 years ago a letter arrived for him which he opened in front of me. A parking ticket for a couple of weeks before. It didn't make sense, that wasn't where he said he was that night. I confronted him and he told me he had gone to meet a friend who wanted advise on organizing a party.... where a load of guys go to perform sex acts with a "girl"  He told me he wasn't involved... just giving advice.

Life carried on but I was suspicious. One night he left his phone out and I looked. I found a text from a guy about meeting a woman with details of what by BF needed to do... arrive, act out with her etc. This was a couple of weeks before so I knew it happened. Again confronted him and he admitted it. This encounter happened on a Monday morning... BF had to met them outside somewhere and have sex with her.

This was now real, it had happened.

What I should mention is by now infact 3 years before our sex life stopped... over a period of time but we no longer had sex.

We talked, we cried, we discussed our sexual relationship and he told me it would change, we stayed together. 

Another 3 years passed, still no sec, feelings of him lying increased. Some examples, Phone was still an issue and never left his pocket, I would work away call him and no answer, later he would call me back but be outside (why are you outside in the garden ringing me when you say your at home and it's winter) being distant.

I ignored my feelings I had no evidence and without that I couldn't confront him.

Then 6 and a half weeks ago my world collapsed. I received a message on social media from a woman telling me she had been seeing my BF for 3/4 years. My heart raced, this was not what I expected, an affair? Not just random encounters with strangers? I replied to her and over the next 3 hours discovered a few things.... She had been in my house, a lot of times while I was working away. She described my bedroom wallpaper. They had been on the swingers site together as a couple and had visited clubs. She had fallen in love with him and had tried to kill herself because of him. She sent me pictures of her in my house with my dogs. She said she wanted revenge as he had hurt her. She said he told her he had feelings for her. She sent me text messages between the 2 of them. She told me he couldn't leave me because he would lose money in our house. BINGO I knew then he didn't want to leave me as that was a lie... I own the house. For some reason that felt like s victory. She told me she had tried to contact me a few days before on a different social media and had sent BF the screen shots. So he knew she was going to tell me? During the conversation she told me she had called him and told him I knew. No call from him. Eventually I called, he said it was true and he came home. The discussion that followed is a bit of a blur but key facts are - he loved me, he wanted to be with me, she was a nutter (his words) he only wanted to have sex with her (but not me... what is wrong with me??) he was sorry, it was over, they had met 1 couple on the website, he wasn't thinking straight when bringing her into my bedroom, it was at least 20 times she came to my home. A few days in one of my questions was what else is there as it can't only be what I have found out? How many other encounters? He said no more that was it. 

I realized what I was facing and that he was a sex addict. One of my "conditions" if we were going to try to work this out was to visit a counsellor so I searched out one that dealt with SA.

I was devastated, out of control, couldn't sleep, couldn't eat, horrific anxiety (never had it before and always dismissed people with it) constantly feeling like on a knife edge. Working away the first time was a massive deal... what was he doing, was she there? All these feelings are still there nearly 7 weeks on. No control over my emotions... cry whilst shopping, burst into tears in the car. Highs and lows have been a big part of the last few weeks. He is demonstrating a big desire to change, I have code for his phone, he leaves it out, constantly texting me while he is out as he knows I get very anxious then, sends me pictures of where he is.

My last 7 weeks have been consumed by "picking a scab" as Paula describes it. Obsession with looking at her social media profile, looking at her pictures, comparing myself, trying to understand what she had that I don't. I should also mention after the first day I stopped responding to her messages, but they continued and became nasty. I blocked her from all social media but she set up a new account and messaged me saying "see your still together you are a desperate bitch" Checking emails, finding emails from earlier this year about arranging meets. 

 

The counseling started. He got a huge amount from the first session and then went on his own. Came back on a high saying it really helped. My first solo session was not what I expected, or my reaction wasn't. The reality hit when she said "sex addiction". I knew this so why has hearing it from someone else floored me so much?

What I have realized is what a huge thing this is and it isn't going to be easy or quick to resolve. I'm scared, can I cope if he relapses? Can I manage my scab picking? Can I control the anxiety? Will we ever have sex again? Can I become that sexually confident woman I was when I met him again? Will this feeling ever go? Will I be able to control my emotions? Will I manage to get through this? Will he be able to overcome this?

At the moment I don't have those answers. Love may not be enough but I'm still here and trying to become the partner of a sex addict. 

 

 

 

 

 

[worthyhope]

Hi Kitty, I've just read your post from 5th August and thought I might have some insight to share from my own experience. I discovered that for years I had been with, and eventually married, a sex addict just over a year ago and, like you, my world collapsed. Hindsight is a wonderful thing and I can see clearly now the signs that should have got me to that discovery years before. I felt foolish for not doing so. But I've learned that, having entered into a committed relationship based on love and trust, I would  not have been looking for any signs of wrong doing. Like you I've had other women in my home, 100s of prostitutes, and that feels like the most hurtful part of my partner's acting out behaviour. It almost feels as though it was designed to hurt me. But having been 'in recovery' myself since discovery I have learned a lot about SA. You should know that your partner didn't do all of this 'to you'. If he is a sex addict ( and not just a philanderer) he has a chronic, progressive, primary dysfunction of his brain's reward system. He sexualises negative emotions and is hooked on the dopamine hit he gets from seeking these encounters. He still has done all those awful things and he faces a very challenging road to a sustained healthy recovery and that's his responsibility not yours. You now face an even more challenging road to your own recovery. It won't feel like it now but it does get better. But you will need help and support. I would strongly recommend reading Paula's books on SA for addicts and partners. You may need to read the one for partners several times but it contains all the info you need to be able to rebuild your life. Your relationship may not survive this addiction but you can. There are lots of other resources to help partners of SA deal with this extreme form of sexual betratyal trauma. Look for online resource packs and you tube clips. There are local support groups for partners which are free. Paula runs courses also. You have been traumatised by this discovery that why your mind and body feel the way they do. I hope at something I've said is helpful. Don't think you're going crazy - you're not. Your responses are natural.

[Kitty]

Hi Worthyhope

thanks for your response and like everything I read on this forum, it is reassurance I am not alone and in fact many others have/are going through the same. I have read both of Paula's books and both have helped me unde