9 posts in this topic

Posted

Hi,

Just found this site today, looking for advice. I've just found out my boyfriend of 4 years has been looking at porn websites all the time we have been together. Has made me feel devastated, have no confidence as it is. I found it on his laptop (yes I was snooping) He's goes on it 3xs a week first thing in morning when he gets back from work. This has really upset me, we don't live together, he rings me says love you, miss you then a minute later looking at porn! He also goes on 3xs + a week in evening. He don't know I know what do I do? He's knows my feelings on subject as a while ago a friend caught her husband looking at porn, and I told him about it. Said I would be upset and make me feel insecure about my body. I said to him I don't know why men do it if they had a partner. I just feel when we in bed is he thinking about the porn he has watched? Sorry for long post thanks Ali x

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Posted

Hi Ali, this sort of thing is devastating and you have good reason to feel very upset.  I have come from the otherside, having been married for 22 years, addicted to porn since my teenage years but have now been completely free from it for 2 years now and still married.  From my own experience can suggest that you are honest with him about the fact that you know.  The only hope he has, is if he faces things honestly and lives in rigorous honesty.   This addiction thrives in secrecy and shame.  So the first thing is to bring it into the open.  Tell him that you know.

Secondly, this can only be beaten with help.  There is a lot of help on the internet - sites like www.sexaddictionhelp.co.uk.  

Others on this site may also recommend how he can get help.  

Keep going, there is hope.  People do kick the habit.  

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Posted

Hello Ali,

I'm very sorry to hear the great shock you've had to learn of your boyfriend's problem and the effect on your confidence. I can only imagine how difficult it is to try and come to terms with it, especially if it's come as a surprise. It's so sad to hear.

I think the most important thing is for you to take care of yourself and get help wherever you can to just try and get by and process things, which takes time. Whatever help and care you can take of yourself is what really matters. I'm not an expert on partner's help but there are support groups out there and other women who've sadly had to go through similar problems with their husbands and partner's who can offer a lot better help. Saying "no" to porn in your relationship is a perfectly reasonable thing to want and need - there's nothing in the slightest wrong with you in any way whatsoever for asking that. Maybe it is a deal-breaker for you if your boyfriend ultimately can't stick to it. That's a very tough place to be.

Your boyfriend sounds like a man who's very unhappy with himself and unable to cope without porn. I think he needs to get help for his problems and sort that out himself. 4 years is a long time of misery. Really there is nobody that can do that for him apart from himself and he has to want to do it and acknowledge the damaging effect it's had. That's a really difficult thing to do though and takes time but it's on him and not you. He has to want to change and seek out sites like this and others for himself. It may help in time to recognise that his problems predate your relationship and are therefore nothing really to do with you - logically and rationally that may make sense but emotionally I appreciate it's very different. If you want to understand more about his problem and where it came from, that's something to explore but right now please take good care of yourself as number one priority. Maybe finding some trusted close friend (your friend who had a similar problem with her husband) or professional help could give you a one possible outlet.

Also one more thing, I'd like to say, please don't feel guilty or beat yourself up about "snooping" or let him use that against you - yes, it's obviously not a great to do in a relationship but clearly you suspected things were being hidden from you and there are much bigger problems to tackle. He is the one who has been hiding this from you.

Peace.

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Posted

PJ and Rob, many thanks for your replies, very interesting reading, much appreciated. I just think men and women view things differently I view it as a betrayal and I'm not pretty, slim, good enough in bed for him so he looking elsewhere. I wrote to a problem page about it and was told he probably looking as our sex life is lacking! Before this I would of said we had a brilliant relationship, never row, laugh all the time, have date nights every week, and lots of sex. Which is why it has come as a big shock. His only saving grace is that he is not looking at porn on the days he sees me (4xs a week) 

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Posted

Hi Ali

I think it is more complicated than that.  Strangely people with sex addiction, are lonely, they want intimacy but at the same time fear it.  His pain latches onto sex, but it could have latched onto anything.  It isn't really about sex, perhaps surprisingly. It sounds like you have a good relationship - hold onto that.  

Can I suggest you read Paula's book on Sex Addiction - it will give you a very helpful insight into this rather strange but dangerous addiction?  It is called "Understanding and Treating Sex Addiction".  

 

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Posted

Hi Ali

this must have been a devastating shock for you. It's very hard to discover that the person you thought you knew very well has a part in their life that they have kept secret 

Many partners would describe similar responses to yours. Such as feeling that they haven't been enough for their partners sexually, losing confidence in themselves, feeling the need to uncover their suspicions by playing detective but being very uncomfortable in doing that, and feeling they would find it hard to ever fully trust their partner again.

i would echo PJs comments about being honest with your boyfriend and being clear with him  on what you expect in a relationship.

I would also recommend reading Paula Halls book on the Partners Perspective as well. If you could get your boyfriend to read both books, for the addict and for the partner it might help him understand his own situation and the effect his compulsive porn viewing is having on you and his own life. 

 

Good luck. 

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Posted

Hey Ali,

Sending some love to you.
I had similar problems to you in my relationship. Unfortunately for me it turned out to be the tip of the iceberg, but obviously that is not the case for everybody.
Women tend to beat themselves up quite badly when they have a gut feeling about something. I would say 98% of the time the gut feeling is correct, but for some reason we are trained to doubt ourselves. If there was something going on with your partner while you were together which made you feel uneasy, then there is the problem. The fact that you looked on his computer and found the source of your discomfort, just shows that you understood what might be wrong. And that is okay. I woke up one day after a very difficult patch, and something clicked in my brain to check my partner's old mobile phone. Inexplicable, but spot on.

The best thing to do is to have a discussion with him about it. I tore myself up for months because I didn't want to have that conversation with my partner. It made me feel bad, and it made the situation worse. Just let him know that you love him, but that you felt something was off and you found he was watching porn. Ask him if he is okay, and what the porn means to him. I am sure that he, like most men, is using it as a quick 'fix' for his endorphins. It makes him feel good about himself for 10 mins, and he doesn't need to do anything. If the porn makes you feel bad, tell him. Let him know you love him, and want a beautiful and loving relationship, and that for you porn is not part of that. Be clear about what you do want in the relationship. If he gets angry, or upset, take a deep breath. He won't like being called out on it, as it is uncomfortable, and he may be unpleasant about it at first, but it honestly will open up your communication together, and hopefully you can have an open and honest discussion about your relationship.

Don't let it make you lose confidence, or feel bad about yourself. From what I understand, men watching porn is a detachment, and will have very little to do with you as a person, or how you look. ( I used to watch very specific types of porn both alone and with partners as it was joyful and celebratory, but since being with a sex addict I have stopped as it makes me feel really sad now)  I have spent the last year feeling terrible after I realised that my partner was watching ex gf porn and internet porn every day, plus cheating on me for years with other women (again - not that porn = cheating!) and none of the women looked or acted anything like me. It was a real shock to the system, and a difficult thing to feel confident afterwards. But please do remember that his porn life is a fantasy, and whatever he is watching has very little to do with you, or how he feels about you. It is ENTIRELY about how he feels about himself.

The most important thing for you to do just now is open up lines of communication. Don't make him feel bad for watching porn, just tell him that it makes you feel uncomfortable, and you would like to talk about it.

Good luck!

XXXXX

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Posted

I think my view differs slightly from others expressed so far. To me it is perfectly normal for men to watch porn. My guess would be that 95% of men under 40 watch porn, just a guess but, basically it's what nearly all men do. I doubt many tell their partners. I Maybe the frequency of it, if it's 6 times a week, is a problem for him. I would regard 3 times a week as perfectly normal including for men in relationships. 

I can see it's a serious issue for you though and hope I'm not belittling that. Now you've discovered it, the best thing to do I think is to discuss it with him, telling him how much it hurts you and ask him to reduce the frequency at least (I think it may be unrealistic to ask him to give it up altogether). 

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Posted

Hi,

I thought my partner had stopped looking at porn have just realised he's got better at hiding it. I never told him I knew felt guilty for snooping. Also seen has been looking up can porn make you not be able to perform? For months I've thought he had stopped just realised tonight he hasn't far from it. Makes me feel so bad. I'm due to have op soon and we won't be able to have sex making me feel sick knowing he will be looking at porn

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