Empathy deficiency sindrome

[EDD]

Hi,

After marriage I noticed that my stomach turns upside down whenever I feel empathy during or about sex. I turned to porn soon (watching porn does not require empathy) and been a porn addict for following 20 years until my wife just left me 5 month ago. Since then I have stopped watching and jerking off on porn, slowed down on alcohol (0.5-1.5 pints a day) and things are getting better. I have started to go to gym. Business is doing well.

Yeah, I became a 'silent' alcoholic few years ago too, drinking 10-20 units in various alcohols 'to relax' every night while being able to work during the day at the same time.

But the sex and empathy thing has not changed. When I mentioned these two words in one sentence to her last time when I dropped kids off after a weekend, she halted me. She could not listen to that either. She might have co-dependency on this.

I can feel both empathy and sympathy and this problem of sex and empathy has lured over me like a scary void during our whole relationship. It grew into constant anger, denial of my and her feelings. Only recently when I started to have more time to spend alone, I started to pay attention to it and try and analyse it.

I avoid and resent empathy in sex at all cost. I feel like an un-trusty oyster requiring a putty knife to pry open it. 

I understand a sexual dominance could be a role play but being stuck with it as I am, seems a bit odd. Although as child I was hammering toys which did not 'work as I want' against floor and was being terrified left alone even for few hours. The feeling of void about empathy in sex feels connected to fear of being left alone. But it does not make sense. When I was contemplating on the anger separately I had a vision of me tucked in a winter coat on a crisp sunny winter day out secure, calm and happy at age when I still remember adults being as giants tall as 5 story buildings with their knees at the level of your eyes. Also does not make sense.

Sorry to throw this on you but where do I start? It is all like a shuttered glass in my head. She hasn't found anyone else yet. I do love her when she does not require compassion.

Edited April 23, 2017 by EDD

[EDD]

I just realised, that empathy is the only reason why humans can feel anything from watching porn.

How is empathy used in watching porn different from empathy in real sexual relationship? 

P.S. Moderators, could you change the title of my post to 'Empathy Deficiency Disorder' not syndrome? I don't  know were the 'syndrome' came from. The term is disorder. E.D.D.

[EDD]

I asked myself why do I feel sick when empathising with what she needs.

I felt that she does not openly reward me. She feels grateful inside but does not seem to have a need to express it.

Unfortunately I am very trade-in person, I evaluate what I achieve by how much I get back which in this case it feels like I am getting nothing.

Furthermore she wants to tuck herself inside me and grow. This scares me because of my fear that it would annihilate me, wipe me out of existence, leave me like a rotten tree in the roots of a new tree.

Obviously I would still be somewhere, I would just have to shine through her.

Which does not seem to be the worst case scenario when I think about it.

Thanks everyone who read this and let me tap into their collective subconscious to solve this.