shame

[ha]

hi im new on here and looking for some help and advice

im trying to stop my addiction and struggling the worst part is every time i slip up i want to tell my partner but cant bring myself to tell her. then she finds out and is obviously angry i never told her. i just cant get past that barrier of shame and fear of losing her to tell her it before she finds out. i used to automatically deny it when confronted then come clean later when pressed. iv got better at that and admitted straight off when last found out. i wanted to tell her but couldn't say it  and kept putting it off and then it was to late. 

[Rob]

Hello,

You should know you're not alone in struggling with this problem and it is very difficult. I found it easy to get stuck in a vicious cycle where I'd act out, get angry and ashamed of myself and then so act out more to try and hide. Obviously this is a self destructive pattern. The key is finding ways to break it and so things differently.

I'd recommend most of all that each time you slip up, you learn and understand why and then what things you can do differently in future. Otherwise the pattern keeps going. You have to find things that work for you.

I think for partners, it's very tough on them. My wife feels isolated and rejected. So if I told her when I slipped or was tempted then I think that would be hurtful. I find it's easier for me to be accountable to guys in my group instead. It's very good you're being honest though - I had a big tendency to hide my behaviour. So being open is a good first step.

Sorting this out and growing from it requires a lot of learning and self exploration which is a process. There's a lot of material out there both on the Internet and in books that has helped me a lot but required a lot from me to actively work on. The urges don't go away by themselves but can be managed and controlled over time while you build a better life.

For me, a real life support group has been essential - I tried to stop on my own before without success and really need the help and insight of others.

[workinprogress]

Far from alone, ha, like Rob says. Your explanation reads very similar to the one I could have written a few years back. I wish that I'd been brave enough to come clean, instead of always needing to be caught out. That always made me feel even more of an arsehole. Not sure it would have made things any better for my SO or for myself, with benefit of hindsight. Maybe focus first on getting yourself clean for a spell, and then when your brain's not clogged with fog, and you can think straight, consider what you want to disclose?