Just discovered my husbands secrets

[Nomore]

Hi,

I feel like I am going crazy. I have been with my husband for 13years. I found out a few weeks ago that he has been having an affair 'just for sex' for 3 years. Since our first daughter was born. Also turns out he is addicted to porn and masturbation. Plus there is probably more that he hasn't told me.

ive known our marriage hasn't been right for at least 3 years, he's just seemed unengaged and uninterested. We haven't had sex for nearly a year because he said he didn't want to. Despite that he kept complaining about being sexually frustrated and that I wasn't sensual enough or interested in sex.

he appears to be full of remorse and says he wants to change but I have no idea how I can trust what he says. Will I just be commiting myself to more hurt? On the other hand we have two young children and he is a good dad. I don't want to ruin their life if there's a chance things can improve. 

I guess I want some hope. Has anyone else's husband turned things around? Should I risk more hurt for myself and stay with him? How will I see him as a loving husband and father again rather than a sex crazed monster?

[Sad lady]

Hello no more. My heart really goes out to you and if i could hug you i would. You are going through the worse pain ever and you need to look after yourself.  Take each day as it comes. You both need counselling and then can unwind the mess that is in his head.  You need a good friend or family member to talk to. I told too many people when i found out about my husband and regretted it later, so choose carefully someone who you can trust.

His addiction has nothing to do with you, i repeat it has nothing to do with you. You have not caused it, its got nothing to do with sex with you, not your age, size, look, hair colour, the way you cook, nothing. It is his problem, he has had this problem before he even met you. Its his shame not yours you have done nothing wrong. Hold your head up high, try to smile.

go and see your doctor, they will be able to help you and give you info in your areGo stay with a friend or family member for a few days. They dont need to know all the details just say its not working out or something and you need a few days away from him.

my husband had affairs with 2 of my so called friends and addicted to porn.  I was in total shock. He is the sort of bloke everyone likes, funny, good looking all that, i thought we had it all! That was 11 years ago we are still together but i recently found out that he has never really given up porn. So now we are finished its over. He has moved into the spare room and i am exhausted with it all really. Its like having another child so so sad. We are going to relate next week. 

So my friend step back and think what you would say to someone else. Maybe it will work out for you. When i told our sons that we are finished they said i should have left years ago. I feel stronger now and am ready at nearly 60 to have my life now i really wasnt ready before and like you had young children. Dont make any decisions now, just get through each day best you can.

sending hugs x

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

[Nomore]

Thank you sad lady for your kind words. It really helps. I'm going to see a close friend today who I can confide in. It's so hard carrying on as normal for the sake of the children when in reality I feel like screaming.

[Alicrumble]

I haven't told anyone. I don't want either of us to be judged. That's why I'm going to a counsellor. I discovered membership cards to swingers clubs and lie after lie just kept spilling out even now I don't think I know everything. I need to be sure I do so that whatever decision I make will be based on full facts. I can't stand the thought of marrying him forgiving him only to discover there was more. I'm getting a prenup that's for sure if I stay!

[Patty]

I am so sorry - this is a mirror image of what  happened to me three weeks ago - big hugs - PM me if you want - you are not the only one in the middle of a nightmare

[Hanna]

Sadlady

I too am an older women and I think thats harder as when we think about ourselves as we have so few years left and the waste oh the waste.  Its hard to come to terms with all the issues we face.  PM me if you want to chat, if not take care of yourself and I do hope you find a way forward and peace in the future what ever it looks like

[Angel]

To all you lovely people on this thread, I share your stories - and pain too. I am in my fifties now and have realised that my 20 year relationship was a puppet show cover for his addiction. He had no intentions of giving it all up. Has made no proper commitment to recovery, continues to blame me for the entire breakdown of our marriage.

Where I can say that, yes, I became hurt and angry in the last few years and therefore lacked respect for him by the end it was because I knew something was badly wrong and I was by instinct reflecting back to him what he was showing toward me. I had tried everything. Being understanding, giving everything of myself, both emotionally, financially, you name it. But it wasn't enough to heal the damage in his soul. He  would but pay lip service to my support and appeals to try to mend our failing relationship, but it changed nothing.

If you get no TOTAL commitment and FULL honesty from them, I think the risk that they will revert to former habits is extremely likely. And ask yourself if you really want to stay on that rollercoaster ride for years to come, always wondering, always questioning. If there isn't honesty, integrity, truth and trust, and a genuine intention for recovery, no holds barred, then there is nothing to work with. Sad to say, but it's time to get out and look after yourself. Sending you love my fellow wronged partners.

[Hanna]

Hi ladies

Are you aware that there is a secret Facebook page for partners of SA / porn addiction etc - you have to request access and wait for response but if you want details please Pm me.

There is also another site called Sisters of Support - its American and gives a pretty grim picture but there are some recovery stories - google it!

Angel thanks you for your frank and honest response

[Claire]

I just wanted to add a positive note to fellow sufferers - those of us who have had to grapple with the lies, the deceit, the horror of living with a sex addict.  I gave it three harrowing years trying to fix things for my two boys.   An absolute horror story.  I managed to separate last year and as Angel recommends in her contribution, I haven't looked back.  A weight has been lifted from my shoulders.  My husband proved obnoxious to the end giving me no choice but to leave and I now realise that this was a blessing in disguise.  I am so much better on my own, I'm getting my life back on track, and am stronger with every day.  There is light at the end of the tunnel.  If there isn't any sign of remorse or a real commitment to giving up then my advice is to leave now and move on.  

[Victoria]

Hi,

Ive decided to not stay with my partner. Although the pain has been unbearable at my loss, I too feel a weight has been lifted. I no longer have to be scared, anxious and suspicious.

Its not a loss actually, because what I thought we had was just a lie anyway. I have freedom, as scary as it is and I’m sad that I may never find the love of my life after all, not to mention falling for the wrong man again or not being able to trust the right man.

I know however, that my decision is the right one for me and my children.