My Husband, Does He Want To Change?

[Ruthieroo]

Hello,

First of all, I want to say that I am touched by some of your posts, that you are reaching out and trying to deal with your addictions. It takes courage to do that. 

Secondly, I would like some advice regarding my husband. He has always used pornography; he would go a few weeks without it and always return to it. Yesterday I caught him in the act. I have locked all the computers and my phone and the kids phones but he watched me unlock my phone and memorised the pattern. I have since changed it. 

So we have a big row and he tells me that he has looked at pornography on my laptop, on our sons laptop, and on my phone - he has also watched the X rated channel adverts on TV to get stimulated. He has also had cyber sex with various people over the last few weeks. 

I feel like he doesn't really want to change. He says he does. But surely he would do more about it? Because it seems to me that when it's easy, for example when I can't get at pornography, he doesn't do it and although he is tempted he can refrain for a while. But then he goes back to it. I have done my best to help him stop himself by locking everything as much as I can (sadly I have left my laptop open on some occasions as has my son) but we tried to help him by making it very difficult for him. 

You guys have access to the internet and you are doing your best to stop, so why isn't my husband? Am I doing something wrong here? 

I am not judging anyone, I was addicted to sugar (it sounds a bit lame but believe me it was a real addiction) and it was hard to get over it, I know it takes real work to overcome these things. I just want to understand my husband a bit better, to see if there is anything else I can do?

Best wishes to you all,

R 

[Rob]

Hello,

First of all I'm glad you found this place to reach out. There is a partners section too where you might be able to connect with other women in a similar situation. I'd also encourage you to look at the partners section over at rebootnation.org which has more visitors.

I felt a lot of sadness and even bewilderment from you in what your husband's been doing. It's very important that you are OK first of all and can get the help and support you need. It sounds like you have had to deal with a lot of acting out behaviour from him which is damaging. I'm very sorry to hear all that.

Your husband sounds to me like he is caught strongly within the grip of this addiction and gets drawn back in whenever he tries to stop. Barring sheer willpower or "white-knuckling it" what other methods has he tried to stop? Those approaches didn't really work at all for me. Instead, it has been a long process of education and learning about this addiction along with how it works so I can change myself. Also reaching out to people in real life reduces the feelings of isolation and shame that keeps people trapped. The roots of the problem tend to run quite deep. What most addicts actually want is not so much to stop but actually not to feel like they want or need it anymore. That is a deeper thing that needs hard work, as you say. Us addicts are also great at procrastination and avoiding dealing with ourselves unless we really have to. This feeds into the issue of motivation. For me personally, it took the sudden breakdown of my marriage and living apart for a considerable time to motivate change. As long as the status quo continues, the addict is not incentivised. So a key question is asking why he wants to stop? Hopefully to get his life back at some level.

I think if your husband is serious about stopping then he can aim to put aside time regularly to work at it, improve his education about the damaging effects of porn and his behaviour and most of all understanding why - and also find people in real life for support. E.g. one of Paula's groups or a sex addiction group like SLAA.

He has to be motivated to do that. Some guys are smart and nip it in the bud sooner. Others sadly wait too long for their partner to leave, move out, have an affair, divorce etc. Or generally make an even bigger mess. He needs to understand what's at stake really. Part of the problem with that is that when an addict is in the bubble, they are there because they are hiding from reality and don't want to confront these things. It's not a nice place to be. But he can deal with it and he can handle it.

I don't think it should be up to you to police your husband's internet use - he's an adult. I can very much see how you would question his motivation to change. Ultimately, that has to come from him and you have to decide exactly what you can and cannot tolerate in the relationship.

You sound like you do love him and care deeply for him very much. I do sense that you really want to find some way to help him and want him to be better. I really hope he can appreciate that and how lucky he is to have such support - there are a lot of strong feelings involved which aren't easy for everyone to deal with and other partners in your position I know from experience often will feel a lot of strong feelings like being very angry, hurt, betrayed, mistrustful etc. all for very valid reasons and they are tough things to deal with.

Please take good care of yourself.