When its a problem?

[jenks2026]

Hi

I like porn and just wondering when its too much, when it starts to be a problem? How to notice that we have a problem when those with a problem are usually in denial?

[Rob]

It's a good question.

I suppose things to ask yourself about how it affects your life is a good place to start.

- Are you spending a lot of time on it every day or week that actually you'd rather be spending on other things in your life?

- Do you feel like you want to stop but deep down find it difficult to do so?

- Does it impact your life and relationships? For example, would you rather watch porn than have sex with your partner? Or would you rather stay in with porn than go out with friends? Or use porn to comfort yourself when things go wrong in life?

- Do you feel like it's a secret you need to keep from people and/or nobody knows how much time you spend looking at it?

- How would your partner feel if they knew? Or a prospective partner?

- Does part of you ever think (perhaps a bit like smoking or something) that you wished you didn't have to do this? Maybe that you don't always feel fully in control of it?

- Are you uncomfortable with some of the material you find yourself drawn to? For example, having to look at increasingly more "extreme" material etc.

- Have you experienced ED?

Etc.

Maybe these things are all OK for you. Only you can decide that. I can tell you they weren't for me. But as you say, I was very good at hiding and minimising the impact.

You're right that our minds condition themselves to deny or rationalise our own behavioural choices. Our minds are good also at not throwing such questions at ourselves.

I would encourage you to certainly read more about the effects of porn on the mind. Sites like yourbrainonporn are a good place to start. Apart from an hour or two of your time, there isn't much to lose if you are curious. Hopefully it would help answer for you and put your mind at rest regarding whether it is a problem for you or not.

If you do think it's become a problem for you then you are not alone at all in this and there is a lot of help and support out there to get off it and recover your life back from the negative effects that consume some people. Personally for me, life is very different and more fulfilling without it in many ways and I have become much happier in myself.

[jenks2026]

Yeah that's a great answer.

I don't need to see extreme stuff,  My issue is my partner is completely anti porn, she'd go crazy if she knew. So I don't know if I have a healthy attitude to it, and she's just made me change my perception on what is healthy and what is a problem because of her reaction or if I have a problem and I'm in denial about it.

I feel dirty because I have to keep it secret, and that doesn't make me feel excited but more seedy so I'm all at sea whether I'm ok or it's something I need to start looking at more closely. It doesn't affect my life day to day so it's not that a big of a problem but I will read the resources you suggested anyway.

[Rob]

I can connect a lot with what you say about feeling "dirty" or "seedy" - it certainly wasn't something I was proud of at all. Which I supposed is evidenced by the fact I never told anybody in all my adult life and desperately tried to keep it concealed (and then became very good at lying and covering up which was not really a skillset I wanted). I also thought I had a very high opinion of women, equality, treating them fairly etc. I prided myself on that yet my dirty "habit" ran counter to my public appearance. I am out of integrity and that doesn't make me feel too good about myself. Even when I do good things in my life.

One thing I learned was that porn usage over a long time (decades) for me introduced a subtle brainwashing almost in myself. My attitudes to people and relationships (particularly with women) would become quite warped or even manipulative. Intimacy would be a big problem for me - I don't mean just sexual but emotionally and authentically because there would be this part of me I was trying to hide or even deny.

I would also pass up the opportunity to get involved with more hobbies or people for instead staying in alone hunched over my PC for an evening. For many years. That's pretty sad when I look back now at myself. Just the self-enforced isolation and loneliness really.

After recovery I started realising that what I thought was "hurting nobody" actually affected the time I put into relationships with friends and family. Then I was able to proactively go out and really make a positive difference in those, helping others and myself at the same time. I would blame others for not doing enough but it was actually just as much my fault too but I didn't want to see that or do anything about it. Why bother when porn is there to comfort me?

Regarding your partner judging you, that's a difficult one. We all want to be accepted for who we are - good and bad. And the fear of rejection and abandonment is very real and painful. So we shy away. And when I would hit a hard problem in life I couldn't solve, guess what I'd do? Yes! Use some porn. Oh dear. Do you see where this is going?

Think what the other side would look like: imagine you found a way to get porn out of your life, didn't miss it and was building a better life for yourself being totally honest and clean about who you are (good and bad). Imagine then that you could share your struggle and that challenge with your partner. Would she actually think more of you as someone who is courageous and standing up to take the risk to himself personally to do the right thing, even at high personal cost? Would you think of yourself like that, even if she didn't understand and left you? You would be your own hero. You would be a man of strong integrity. That is a powerful and attractive quality in any person. And you could also tell her honestly that she had been a big part of changing your view on it. It can in time become something bonding perhaps.

That's a nice vision. But I would caution you because disclosing to a partner is a very tricky business as you are dropping a bomb on the relationship. Your fear is real. A lot of tough discussions will arise. It will rock the boat. There are books, advice and people like Paula who can help with that though if and when you feel the time comes. That is a very tough decision that is definitely worth thinking through a lot and only you can know the right answer, nobody can tell you that.

Most important though I see for you is deciding for yourself if this present situation is OK for you or not. I guess part of you is uncomfortable or unsure because you are on here asking questions. I think Paula also has a questionnaire on here too to help answer.