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Posted

Where to start I am in a great relationship I was on chat sites paying someone for pics and vids on and of I was on porn sites on a daily basis first thing in the morning to last thing at night I got caught out a few months back felt regret and I realise it had to stop the chat sites and porn were gone but the porn is creeping back I have been caught twice in the last few weeks I'm trying to stop she has had enough I want to stop to save our relationship anyone with any advice it would be appreciated 

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Hi Gary. Your writing here suggests that you're serious about stopping, or at least serious about trying to stop. o assuming you decide that you're definitely up for the fight, congratulations on taking a first step to getting control back. Other people who have been through similar fights, and I include myself as a recovering sex addict, have found it useful to separate the fight into two workstreams. The first and easiest thing to address could be called "First level" measures. If you want to stop looking at porn, there are plenty of software tools that you can use to prevent it being accessible on your laptop. I use K9. It keeps a log of all your internet activity as well as blocking certain things and transmitting alerts. I found it really useful when I was deep in the shit to get an "accountability partner" - basically somebody I could genuinely trust to help me get clean - to hold the password and admin rights. That may be a bit tricky but it can really help. K9 isn't the only tool. There are plenty. They are also available for your smartphone and smart TV too. I also found it really helpful to think hard about all the times that I'd recently numbed-out to porn, or acted out, and work out what was influencing me just before, or at the time. I wrote a list of them as the "triggers" of acting out, and could then look at practical ways to avoid them. Certain places, emotions, times of day or situations make you feel porny? If it matters to you enough, you'll find ways to change those patterns. Many of us have found that descending deeper into compulsive porn use was combined with becoming more introverted and isolated, and I know i found it massively helpful to re-establish more sociable ways of living my "real" life; filling my time with real interactions with real people and friends... getting out in public, stuff like exercise and friendships.

And that hopefully gives you a stable environment for the "Level 2" changes, which are much deeper and more difficult. For me, they were about trying to understand the underlying issues that were making me use porn and sex so compulsively and self-destructively. I was hating the stuff i was doing, getting no pleasure from them, and hating myself for doing them... but seemed unable to stop. WTF was that about? And how do I stop doing the stupid stuff? Well - that's where I'm out of my depth and you need to get help from people who know what they're about. I found Paula Hall's book to be one of the two most useful for me, along with the book (and online tools) from Gary Wilson and the Yourbrainonporn.com website. I found The Chimp Paradox book really helpful in working out why i behaved in such a self-destructive way. Some people value the books by Patrick Carnes, like "Out of the Shadows". I found them a bit dated. I also invested a lot of money in counselling and therapy and I believe it was mostly really well spent. Might be worth checking out counsellors in your area? And of course there are 12-step groups, like Sexaholics Anonymous and Sex Addicts Anonymous, which work really well for some people, but didn't for me.

Christ - that is a long answer. Sorry if it has bored you to tears! But if I can be of any help, please don't hesitate to write back. Porn made a bloody mess of my life and i hope you can kick it before it damages yours too much. Take care.

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Posted

Hi Gary. whatever you do with the wonderful support shared may I add that recovery is not abstinence. The work on self in key and central to support and prevent returning to unwanted out of control habits. Block what you wish to stop, find your relationship to what it is you want to return to. find what is exciting, edging, the zone, the need. and then work on what is going on , see a group, therapist, 12 step, self care. all paths can work out how to overcome what the addictive behaviours  are anaesthetising. stay  honest and look after yourself, watch when tired or angry or lonely or bored. 

 

BW
Ian Paula Hall Associate

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