I hate myself for what I have done...

[Burger]

I did add the text below as an answer to another thread, but thought I would start my own as well.

I've been married for 14 years and I have always looked at porn, but over the last 2 years it has become steadily deeper - I've been suffering with depression and anxiety (for which I have got help for), I was viewing anything that was available, chatting in chat rooms, and, what I am most ashamed about, getting someone over to my house, we were looking at porn together while masterbating... and I my wife came home and disturbed us... I really don't know where it would have gone if she hadn't!

I realise now that this is an addiction (which I had been denying), and I hadn't spoken about it to my therapist or anyone else!  I really wish I had!  I thought I was "back to normal", but still had this secret life which was very likely to progress even deeper!  I had been filling a void in my life with porn and chatrooms... a void that wasn't there - which I would have seen if I had been giving as much attention to my wife and kids as I was to porn and people in chatrooms.

The trust my wife had in me has now gone, but she does understand that I have a problem and that I want and need to address it.  I've gone from feelings of total dispare and wanting to kill myself, to feelings of hope that I might be able to get better.  It's early days, together we have blocked all adult content on any web access I have, and I have contacted my Doctor who has referred me to see a proper psychaitrist now (rather than a therapist), which I hope to see ASAP.

I have sworn to my wife that I want to get better, and I will do anything I possible can too rebuild that trust.

Burger!

[workinprogress]

Hi Burger. Sorry to read about your situation. I expect there may be considerable pain, fear, anger and shame washing around. Having been through a similar pattern of behaviour and discovery, I think you're right to move quickly to set up the structures to help you try to get over the addiction. But please prepare yourself for what may be a long haul. Your behaviours are pretty well established and will take a lot of work to break down. Earning your partner's trust could be a lifetime project. But you've taken steps to recover control and that's absolutely moving in the right direction, so best wishes to you. Be strong. Good luck.