I can't describe how devastated I am….

[EJP1000]

Hi everyone,

A friend recommended this site to me today….I am two weeks away from giving birth and this week I discovered that my sex addict husband who has been in recovery (SAA) for 8 months has been lying and cheating the whole time and never stopped once. I am just in shock. I thought he had been doing so well, he had been working the steps, seeing a therapist, we had seen a marriage therapist who had even said she didn't need to see us anymore and now I discover the whole thing is a big fat lie.

He is now back in recovery and promises this time he will be honest and stay sober but I find it very hard to believe. I originally found out about his sex addiction last September, we split up for 2 months and then got back together and I accidentally got pregnant. I saw this baby as a gift and a new start, he promised he would work on his addiction and get well, but now here we are, two weeks away from my due date and he has just continued to act out. I am devastated and I don't understand which is crazy as I am in AA myself and grew up with two alcoholic parents yet I can't help but take his sex addiction so personally. Plus the only reason I know things is from reading his email account which he stupidly left open on my computer - he has huge shame and refuses to admit anything to me and just wants to "move on" whereas I want him to be honest. I'm scared he might have given me an STD. He has paid money to women for sex even though we have no money. He even had his ex girlfriend stay with him in his place in France for a week (he is french) when I was a few weeks pregnant and obviously never said a word…..just lies, lies, lies. The sad thing is I know he loves me and I love him and I want to be with him. He is a wonderful stepdad to my daughter and I am sure will be a great father to our baby but I don't know if I can cope with anymore of his acting out, lies etc. I am pleased he is willing and in recovery but as he has done it all before and not actually done it, I find it very hard to believe he will do it properly now.

Sorry for such a depressing post - I don't think it helps that my hormones are all over the place - if anyone has any advice I would greatly appreciate it. I just don't know what to do. I am trying to stay calm and look after myself and the baby but it is very very hard.

xx

[Paula Hall]

Hi - it sounds like you're in a really difficult position right now and have a lot of understanding of recovery from your past.  But you're right that sex addiction is  much more personal and feels very different for partners.  It's also much harder to see 'evidence' of recovery as you can't prove what you haven't done and you can't 'see' sobriety.  My advice is to be sure that as well as having good accountability measures in place, you focus on seeing that he's worked through the 'causes' of his addiction and that you can see the evidence of that.  For example, if he used his addiction to soothe anger - is he now better at managing anger?  If it's rooted in stress, how is his stress management now?  That's the evidence that you can see and measure.  Addiction is a symptom - has he found the cause and resolved that?  Hope that helps.