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Wife

Sex addict or philanderer

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I have recently discovered that my husband of 8 years has had multiple affairs throughout our marriage and probably our entire relationship. 

He thinks it is a sex addiction. How can I know if it is or if he is just unfaithful and never committed to me?

it sounds although over the years things have escalated from flirting, through to kissing, sexting etc ending up with multiple sexual affairs It is only in the last few years that things regularly became sexual. Does that mean that it was not a sex addiction in the early years but now is? Or did he just realise over time that he could get away with affairs so did more and more. 

I am not even sure if it matters if he was addicted or not I guess cheating is still cheating but I just can't make sense of how he could do this for so long when he claims he always loved me.

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Hey Wife....I'm so sorry you find yourself in this awful situation - it is so disorienting and awful and deeply confusing - I have been  where you are.....and I agree, it probably doesn't matter whether it is addiction - you have been horribly wronged and betrayed however you look at it. The thing about addiction is that it's not an excuse for what he's done, it doesn't make it any better but it might help explain it.

I think a helpful way to work out whether it's an addiction is to know whether he was enjoying himself or not. If he wasn't, he was probably acting out of addiction and compulsion. I know my husband looks back and remembers the pain of the years when he was acting totally against his moral values but was unable to stop because he did not understand that he was in the grip if addiction. It's a deeply dark and hopeless place to be and he would say now that he will do anything it takes to never go back there.  It's also a deeply shameful place to be which is why addicts are trapped for so long because they feel they can't admit to the mess they are in.....

hope that helps you a little? I recommend Paula Hall's book for partners - it really helped me to understand better what was happening to me in those awful early days after discovering his unfaithfulness.....hang in there and get some help if you possibly can

Thinking of you....

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