Recovery time taking it's toll

[Krista]

Hello there.

So I suppose I can count myself as one of the lucky ones in that my partner has saught help for his addiction. We've been together for around four years, it was a year or so in that our sex life became non-existent and some months after that I threatened to leave as I thought he was cheating and that was when he uncovered the truth to me. Ever since this point it has been a struggle but each time I feel some progress is made!

My partner is 34 but has been addicted to porn since a teenager, so I think it is safe to say that the addiction is strong. He first tried to go without it with the help of a few online forums, this went well for a while and we did eventually regain a bit of intimacy (our sex life was absolutely non existent for a long time as he suffered porn induced e.d and also found that if he wasn't in the right frame of mind, sex would make him feel edgy and anxious, almost as though it was a relapse). but he still had a lot of triggers so there were a few relapses and when our relationship became rocky because of the strain he started again and tried to hide it.

This time around he is taking things more seriously and has invested some money in an online course with a few phonecalls to therapists etc, which i feel has helped. It is going well so far in the sense that he has not relapsed and has gotten to grips with what are potential triggers, but for me the problem is intimacy.

Putting the hell of this all aside, every other aspect of our relationship is going pretty well. We have nice friends, socialize together, work out together, lots of cuddling and just enjoy being eachothers friends. But we haven't had a normal sex life for coming onto three years, and the last year has had NO sex whatsoever. And discussion on the topic is strained, as he feels pressured and I feel unfulfilled it can get quite difficult to get a word out without offending eachother so we tend to avoid the topic, which makes it worse.

I have stayed for so long and feel like I have dealt with so much and taken it all in my stride, but this is really beginning to effect me and as this type of addiction is still relatively unreported in the mainstream I am at a loss at what to do.

Can I ever expect to regain a sex life? How long do I need to stick around before I know whether it is ever going to happen? We haven't been intimate in so long and i am so painfully aware that for my partner, sex isn't a natural and enjoyable thing.

It would be amazing to get some of my own help to understand this but it is so expensive and there is nothing much the nhs offers. Any advise any of you are able to give would be so welcomed.

 

Thanks for listening!

 

Krista

[Paula Hall]

Hi Krista,

Thanks for writing in.  Firstly let me assure you that unfortunately this is very natural.  The challenge working in sex and porn addiction is that recovery is not about abstinence, but about reclaiming your sexuality from the addiction and developing a healthy sex life.  That definitely can happen, but it does take time and often professional support.  Have you got a copy of my partners book? (Sex Addiction - The Partner's Perspective).  If not, do get one as there is a whole section on rebuilding sexual intimacy.  Assuming your partner really is in full recovery, then I would recommend you both see a psychosexual therapist together.  We can provide that service for you, but if finances are a problem then you will find psychosexual therapists on the NHS, or of course, your local Relate centre who may be able to offer low cost sessions.  A sex therapist will be able to help you with your communication together as well as helping you to rebuild your sex life into something that both of you can enjoy.  Ideally your therapist should be trained in sex addiction as well so they can work with any triggers that may arise for your partner.  Hope that helps.