How to make a decision

[Elena]

Hi! I'm the wife of a porn addict. Since the day we got married 4 years ago, sex went less and less present. The second year into our marriage he proposed couple theraphy. I did my best but nothing would improve. We stayed in therapy for one year and closed 'successfully' even if I knew there was no connection nor reestablished sex. After another few months he ammitted to be porn addicted since teenage. I knew something didn't feel right but had no idea. He went to therapy on his own. I don't have any update since, communication is zero, sex and any physical contact is zero. I tried to dig myself into my work and see if he sorted himself out in the meantime. Now I've lost my job and with more time available I realised that I should have faced this issue instead of hiding . It s been almost 2 years since his realisation. I'm looking for support but I don't want to go back to Relate since we had couple theraphy there and that only increased my low self esteem making me think I was the problem. I feel I need to make a decision but I can't see clearly what to do next.

I believe there are many partners affected by this, and maybe a support group or can you suggest where else to find counselling and what are the steps to go back to sanity? 

Thank you!

[Paula Hall]

Hi Elena,

Thanks for getting in touch.  Yes you're right, there are many partners affected by this.  Pornography addiction can have a devastating effect on men's libido and their ability gain and maintain an erection.  Consequently they often withdraw more and more from having a sexual relationship with their partner.  It worries me that he's been going for help but isn't sharing with you what's going on.  Has he stopped?  Does he have the tools to stop?  Does he understand what caused and maintained his addiction?  Without these things it's going to be very difficult for the two of you to rebuild trust and rebuild your sexual relationship.  I think you're right not to go back to Relate.  Relate are an excellent organisation (I am Relate-trained myself), but most of the counsellors are not trained in porn addiction.  It might also be worth checking that your husband is working with a therapist who is trained and experienced in this area as well.  If they're not, then he may not be getting the help he (and you) need.  Do get in touch if we can help and have a look at the other resources available on this site.  Bw,