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Kate2018

Questionable email contact help please and possible ow behaviour

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Hello everyone , following an earlier post I made after initial discovery I feel have still not gotten the whole truth from my husband I feel I never will but husband is in therapy now, I am also seeing my own therapist due to trauma. 

Just wondered if anyone could shed light on an email contact that has saved to husbands Google contacts, the email address is british sex contacts. Com, would my husband have needed to sign up/pay? I googled the website and it's a hook up site. I think he's deleted the emails but forgot that Google syncs the addresses. He tells me that he has no idea and I don't know the usual! unfortunately.

The trouble in our case is that he's always one step ahead he's very tech savvy and I'm struggling to find hard evidence of what I believe he's done aside from his porn addictionand  gambling addiction and ogling which he admitted after showing him hard evidence of the porn and gambling I then pushed for more info re leering I said I have never imagined anything have I he finally admitted how much leering he's been doing he spent our entire holiday obsessing.

I do now have access to the phone records and bs but the issue is I think he has had a different untraceable phone, another woman I suspected an 18 mth affair with has fled the area after living here for years could be coincidence she put her house up for sale after I contacted her. House still up for sale empty. When I got a reply from her she tried to pin it on her neighbour who I know! I was really pleasant and had wrote her a letter explaining the situation and said I just wanted to know the truth I'd never blame her not her problem it's his as not to cause upset but she's covering for herself and him I think. Any help would be much appreciated thank you. 

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Hi Kate - it's good to hear you and your husband are finding ways to move forward. I thought I'd comment on my experience with e-mail/websites as a (currently) former addict. The internet is a tangled web of data and algorithms beavering away night and day doing stuff that will use all sorts of tricks to grab a user's attention. This can include stuff like mailing you as if someone on some site is interested in you or telling you that you have just been give free membership of this, that or the other. I'm still trying to break away completely from this stuff a year after I began to try extracting myself from it. My partner was a keen researcher of my doings on the web and found profiles for me on dating sites that I'd never heard of and never joined (as well as those I had). We came to the conclusion that some of these were cloned accounts and I still get the occasional e-mail telling me someone is interested me on NaughtyGrannies.com or some other such site.

How such addresses might end up in someone's google contacts is a technical question I can't answer, but stuff does seem to get everywhere once you show an interest in it so I'd try to give him the benefit of the doubt on that one.     

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Hi Kate, 

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. As another partner of a sex addict I can absolutely sympathise with your need to search and your confusion. Non-committal answers are never satisfying and do little to build trust. I don't know technically whether that email contact could have saved but it could be possible. I've been down all sorts of digital rabbit holes and never quite got to the bottom of things (e.g. dating apps showing up on his Google Play account history, but no evidence of ever having been downloaded onto his most recent phone at least, and he doesn't remember ever downloading them). My therapist suggested there could also be a certain level of amnesia in simply not remembering his actions at the height of his addiction. Only last week did I unearth a conversation  with a camgirl that was a year old, when we both thought we'd been through all his history and accounts with a fine-toothed comb, and he didn't remember using his personal email account for such activities.

Anyway what I'm saying is, unfortunately you may never get a satisfying answer to the issue with the email contacts. I think all you can do is try and find the things that are meant to rebuild trust. My partner and I are working towards a therapeutic disclosure (have you read Paula Hall's book for partners?). Even then I don't know if I'll feel satisfied that I've had the truth. I'm as impatient as ever to have all my questions answered, but I know I have to be patient because I need to know my partner has had enough therapy and got far enough along with his own recovery to understand why disclosure and honesty is so important.

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While gaslighting may be something he's doing, if you looked in my spam folder you'd think I buy tires all the time, have a garden, want to be on a game show and yes, engage in behavior outside my marriage. Odds are, it's spam. I know when I did anything demanding an email address, I created a new one. Nothing under my regular email address has anything to do with my behavior of years earlier. It just shows I'm on too many mailing lists.

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Hi all thanks for the replies. May I agree completely with everything you are saying my husband does not seem to remember half of the stuff we have found and he was active on dating sites but he swares he never did anything! But I don't believe him and continue to look for answers I'm not sure if he really does have memory issues or if it's a cover the depth of his lies are so deep we've been together since high school I was only 14 when we met so he's always been able to lie to me 22 years we've been together. I'll probably never know the whole truth may your right. I know what you mean josh and out of wishes but I think the sex contacts email it's not spam email they are in a separate folder and none of the others have saved to our contacts I checked through all of those too, this email address is actually saved to our Google account where you can check activity history and even your passwords Google syncs everything that's how I found all my husband dating site passwords and usernames, so I think he had used it for pics and cams and deleted the messages but no proof and tbh I need to quit it I actually think I'm pain avoiding whilst hunting for answers but I feel in my heart he will never give me the whole truth of what he knows he is in therapy so hopefully this will help but I have major doubts he's scared of hurting me anymore he thinks ill leave I'm in therapy too and both our therapist are sex and addiction trained so fingers crossed. Its so nice to hear from you all especially as I'm having a really bad few days as my husband was drinking heavily again Saturday completely parapletic collapsed downstairs I couldn't get him in bed I had to leave him this has also been a long standing issue  drinking gambling etc he replaces one addiction with another so I've crashed back down again. I'm sorry to hear of your marriage troubles too May and I am very grateful for all your replies it's so comforting to know I'm not alone in this as sad as that is for you guys too. I have the book for partners by p Hall I have it in kindle theres a lot to take in so I'm going through it slowly it's a great book. Thanks again :)

1 hour ago, May said:

Hi Kate, 

I'm sorry to hear what you're going through. As another partner of a sex addict I can absolutely sympathise with your need to search and your confusion. Non-committal answers are never satisfying and do little to build trust. I don't know technically whether that email contact could have saved but it could be possible. I've been down all sorts of digital rabbit holes and never quite got to the bottom of things (e.g. dating apps showing up on his Google Play account history, but no evidence of ever having been downloaded onto his most recent phone at least, and he doesn't remember ever downloading them). My therapist suggested there could also be a certain level of amnesia in simply not remembering his actions at the height of his addiction. Only last week did I unearth a conversation  with a camgirl that was a year old, when we both thought we'd been through all his history and accounts with a fine-toothed comb, and he didn't remember using his personal email account for such activities.

Anyway what I'm saying is, unfortunately you may never get a satisfying answer to the issue with the email contacts. I think all you can do is try and find the things that are meant to rebuild trust. My partner and I are working towards a therapeutic disclosure (have you read Paula Hall's book for partners?). Even then I don't know if I'll feel satisfied that I've had the truth. I'm as impatient as ever to have all my questions answered, but I know I have to be patient because I need to know my partner has had enough therapy and got far enough along with his own recovery to understand why disclosure and honesty is so important.

On 10/21/2018 at 12:21 PM, John D said:

Hi Kate,

Its always a scary place to be right now but you seem to be dealing with it really well.  It looks like you are doing whats best for YOU right now and at the same time your husband is going to work on his recovery and deal with his behaviour. The fact that you are both taking this 1 step at a time and are hopeful for the future can only be a positive thing. Stay strong and see how things go.

 

Enjoy your holiday!

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