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Found 9 results

  1. Jermaine

    Some advice

    Hi all I'm a long time addict of porn addiction, my acting out has included chat sites porn sites etc, last week my wife discovered I had been online again viewing porn, she told me if it happened again we was finished, of course I'm devastated losing the women I love but I'm faced with the reality I need to recover. I've been an addict from the age of 11 I'm now 45, in the past I got into trouble with the police for my addiction, thankfully I didn't go to prison but I do have a record, I've recently rejoined Sexaholics Anonymous I was a member of them 6 years ago but drifted away thinking I was now in control, I'm hoping to start attending their meetings next week and start my 12 steps again, apart from the actions I've taken I was wondering if their was anymore advice you could suggest that would help in my recovery.
  2. Hello,I'm P. I am 42 years old and married with 3 beautiful children.It is Saturday the 3rd March and I am sat at my parent’s house.On Monday 19th February my world collapsed when I was on my way home from work and I had a call from my wife. “The police are here. I’m scared. What’s going on?”I knew what was going on. My sex and porn addiction had gone too far and now the real world was going to find out about it.My computers, hard drive, usb drives and mobile phone were seized. I was arrested for possessing illegal pornography, cautioned and interviewed at the police station. I spent time in a police cell, trying to avoid descending into a panic attack.The duty solicitor arrived and explained the situation to me. On his advice I answered “No comment” to all of the questions asked. I was released under investigation and went home. That was the last time I was home, other than for an hour during the day a couple of days later to collect some things. My wife was devastated and appalled at what I had done and told me to leave.Night #1 was too late to get a hotel and I slept in the car near my place of work. That Tuesday was a blur, but I managed to book a hotel for the following 3 nights so I had somewhere to stay. I had an email from my Sister late that night. My wife had called her to say what had happened; she felt she had no one else to turn to. She didn’t – and still hasn’t – told anyone from her family or friends. My Sister said that I am her brother and that she loves me and would not abandon me. Last Saturday I travelled to my parent’s town. My Sister helped me go to them, tell them what I had done. I could not look at anyone at all. I was so ashamed; I begged them no to abandon my wife and children and to help them all they could.I have spoken to a charity dedicated to stopping the illegality I committed. They have started me on a journey at really looking at myself; understanding the influences that caused me to do what I did. Since speaking to them for a 2nd time I have started to think about the addictions and behaviours that I have had, probably since I was about 13 or 14 years old.It is all compulsive; page 3 cut-outs, then soft magazines, harder magazines, vhs videos, taking photos of myself, looking at males as well as females, starting to cross dress, personal sex advert magazines. The beginning of the internet didn’t help as I suddenly had access to more material than I ever could imagine from magazines. Always seeking new sites, ways to bulk download, ways to start talking with other people, seeking the interaction through meeting other guys for sex, buying used underwear, buying bespoke porn pics and videos from those willing to do them, cross dressing, buying sex toys for masturbation, on to using escorts and finally, shamefully, crossing a line and looking at illegal things.I am now not at the family home. I am staying with parents and lodging at B&Bs. I have crushed my wife, she hates me for what I have done. She is now struggling with our 15 year old son and 14 month old twin girls. She goes to work early and it was my job to look after them until school & nursery. There is no one to help at the moment.I feel sick. Last week I seriously considered suicide. It was horrible. My brain would not stop. I was thinking exactly how I would do it, how I would get financial affairs in order first, where I would do it, the letters I would write to my beautiful wife and children and what photographs of them I would surround myself with.This low is horrible. I am lucky; my Sister and parents have not abandoned me and my wife is still responding to emails and texts, even though they tell me of how she hates me, is betrayed, cannot cope and is terrified that Children’s Services will take away the children.All of this has come about because I have never been able to say that I am addicted to porn and sex. At the moment I have gone 12 days without looking at pornography. I have contacted Sex Addicts Anonymous, Sexaholics Anonymous and Sex & Love Addicts Anonymous; they have all invited me to meetings which I will go to. I want to get rid of this evil shroud that coated me. I want to see my children and to rebuild trust from my wife, parents and Sister.I am ashamed, unhappy and scared. I hope there is a future where I am able to deal with my addictions, help others before it is too late for them and one day, look my wife in the eyes again. I love her so much.
  3. A few months ago my fiancé (boyfriend at the time) confessed to looking at pictures of women online, but said he had stopped a while ago. Up till then we'd had a basically perfect relationship, and a fantastic sex life, apart from being long distance in University holidays. After his confession I immediately asked a plethora of questions about his habits, and was not convinced by his answers. He had always been reluctant to talk about masturbation, despite my openness about doing it myself, and when telling me that these pictures were very rare and never videos and "what's the point of me lying when I'm confessing everything"... I wasn't buying it. My fiancé has always been prone to little lies, and being quite fake in front of his friends. He claims to have never been happy with himself as a person. A few months of paranoia and self doubt combined with much interrogation on my part ensued. During these months we had countless conversations about the "pictures" and I even started thinking I might need to go to a counsellor to deal with my "trust issues", so many lies were told in this time! All of this pain and evident corrosion of my wellbeing was still not enough to make my partner confess. In this period he proposed, and a few weeks after claimed he had to tell me the full story so he could propose with a clear conscience. However, his conscience was far from clear. I recently discovered the cold, calculated viewing of women purely to "exploit the fact they'd give (him) an erection" was far from the truth. He had a full blown porn addiction. I found teen pictures, snapchat pictures, videos and searches for free webcam sex (of which he looked at some websites). The only thing that held true, and this is the reason I didn't leave, is that there was absolutely no evidence of this happening after his initial confession. I also noticed signs of him seeming happier with himself as a person and wanting to live healthier over the past few months, and it was hard for me to understand why, but recovering from a porn addiction would explain it. I find it very hard to understand that he wasn't choosing these photos instead of me. He claims he never clicked on a web chat, but the way this addiction escalates, I don't see how that can be true. He would do this 2 minutes on average after we finished Skyping, yet claims he wasn't aware he was going to do so when finishing the conversation with me, can this actually be true? And can a person really look at pictures and images without comparing them to the person he is with? And does he really think I'm more beautiful? Since the trauma of finding out his search history I get triggered by anything that reminds me and have a flurry of emotions overcome me. I'm finding this especially hard to deal with when the one person I need right now feels terrible about how miserable I get, and could well still be lying. If he continues to lie, I will never recover. We've started counselling but I'm wondering if for my own sake I should get out now, before the next batch of deceit breaks me beyond repair.
  4. A few months ago my fiancé (boyfriend at the time) confessed to looking at pictures of women online, but said he had stopped a while ago. Up till then we'd had a basically perfect relationship, and a fantastic sex life, apart from being long distance in University holidays. After his confession I immediately asked a plethora of questions about his habits, and was not convinced by his answers. He had always been reluctant to talk about masturbation, despite my openness about doing it myself, and when telling me that these pictures were very rare and never videos and "what's the point of me lying when I'm confessing everything"... I wasn't buying it. My fiancé has always been prone to little lies, and being quite fake in front of his friends. He claims to have never been happy with himself as a person. A few months of paranoia and self doubt combined with much interrogation on my part ensued. During these months we had countless conversations about the "pictures" and I even started thinking I might need to go to a counsellor to deal with my "trust issues", so many lies were told in this time! All of this pain and evident corrosion of my wellbeing was still not enough to make my partner confess. In this period he proposed, and a few weeks after claimed he had to tell me the full story so he could propose with a clear conscience. However, his conscience was far from clear. I recently discovered the cold, calculated viewing of women purely to "exploit the fact they'd give (him) an erection" was far from the truth. He had a full blown porn addiction. I found teen pictures, snapchat pictures, videos and searches for free webcam sex (of which he looked at some websites). The only thing that held true, and this is the reason I didn't leave, is that there was absolutely no evidence of this happening after his initial confession. I also noticed signs of him seeming happier with himself as a person and wanting to live healthier over the past few months, and it was hard for me to understand why, but recovering from a porn addiction would explain it. I find it very hard to understand that he wasn't choosing these photos instead of me. He claims he never clicked on a web chat, but the way this addiction escalates, I don't see how that can be true. He would do this 2 minutes on average after we finished Skyping, yet claims he wasn't aware he was going to do so when finishing the conversation with me, can this actually be true? And can a person really look at pictures and images without comparing them to the person he is with? And does he really think I'm more beautiful? Since the trauma of finding out his search history I get triggered by anything that reminds me and have a flurry of emotions overcome me. I'm finding this especially hard to deal with when the one person I need right now feels terrible about how miserable I get, and could well still be lying. If he continues to lie, I will never recover. We've started counselling but I'm wondering if for my own sake I should get out now, before the next batch of deceit breaks me beyond repair.
  5. Caron

    New here

    I am a Christian with a physical disability, I'm single and never had sex. I am unable to get out on my own. I am ashamed of myself I keep repenting but keep falling into the same trap of looking at sexual content on the internet, being aroused and masturbating, Then I feel really guilty. I think the main reason I do this is for comfort. Unable to talk to anyone about this.
  6. Domonic

    I'm New Here

    Hi everyone, I have just discovered this website and I have decided to join. I don't know how to describe my addiction and I am not even sure if it comes into the sex porn and porn addiction category. It does, however, result in the same kind of frustration and misery and fear of losing life long friends. I hope I have done the right thing by joining this group.
  7. Hi all, I don't know if i'm the only one but i'm constantly thinking of sex or thinking of touching myself to ease the urge. I am 32 average looking guy and just can't get enough of sex. I am working now thinking of it. It is becoming annoying for my wife as I want to play out all these fantasies but never have anyone who is will to try. Is there anything that I can do?
  8. Hi, After marriage I noticed that my stomach turns upside down whenever I feel empathy during or about sex. I turned to porn soon (watching porn does not require empathy) and been a porn addict for following 20 years until my wife just left me 5 month ago. Since then I have stopped watching and jerking off on porn, slowed down on alcohol (0.5-1.5 pints a day) and things are getting better. I have started to go to gym. Business is doing well. Yeah, I became a 'silent' alcoholic few years ago too, drinking 10-20 units in various alcohols 'to relax' every night while being able to work during the day at the same time. But the sex and empathy thing has not changed. When I mentioned these two words in one sentence to her last time when I dropped kids off after a weekend, she halted me. She could not listen to that either. She might have co-dependency on this. I can feel both empathy and sympathy and this problem of sex and empathy has lured over me like a scary void during our whole relationship. It grew into constant anger, denial of my and her feelings. Only recently when I started to have more time to spend alone, I started to pay attention to it and try and analyse it. I avoid and resent empathy in sex at all cost. I feel like an un-trusty oyster requiring a putty knife to pry open it. I understand a sexual dominance could be a role play but being stuck with it as I am, seems a bit odd. Although as child I was hammering toys which did not 'work as I want' against floor and was being terrified left alone even for few hours. The feeling of void about empathy in sex feels connected to fear of being left alone. But it does not make sense. When I was contemplating on the anger separately I had a vision of me tucked in a winter coat on a crisp sunny winter day out secure, calm and happy at age when I still remember adults being as giants tall as 5 story buildings with their knees at the level of your eyes. Also does not make sense. Sorry to throw this on you but where do I start? It is all like a shuttered glass in my head. She hasn't found anyone else yet. I do love her when she does not require compassion.
  9. AddictOnWayToRecovery

    Sex & Porn Addiction - Here to help

    I have come across this forum and I strongly believe it could give real help to anyone who is facing porn/sex addiction. I am a 35 year old male with a beautiful wife and two amazing kids; I have been recovering for 4 months now (cold turkey) and I would love to give something back to people experiencing a similar situation. I went through the usual features of this horrible addiction: watching porn with increased levels of "sexual intensity", looking at escorts, reduced sex drive, masturbation, family problems, the guilt, the shame, the worry of being caught, etc. As already mentioned, I decided to go cold turkey and the psychological battle, especially in the first 4 weeks was immense... I needed all my inner strength and will power to fight this battle, but I never think for one second that I have won the war. It's a long road to changing my life and I am fully aware that I can't afford any slip ups. I don't think my mind will ever be free of the urges, but they certainly are much much weaker and considerably more controllable. Being free of the guilt, shame and worry has changed my life so much... My wife and I are so much happier and I have managed to get my life back. Being on this website and identifying the problem is the first step to recovery. Please feel free to get in touch with me on this forum and I will do my best to help. I wish you the best of luck V
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