Last New Year's Day (2017) I found out my husband had a porn addiction, had always had this issue.
I found out because I was putting washing away in his cupboard and he had bought some used ladies knickers, which included a photo of the woman.
Its fair to say the bottom dropped out of my world, my daughter (second child) was 10 months old and my son was 4. I had just returned to work. It was a dreadful and stressful time. My husband had just started a new job. I can see how this was all a contributing factor.
We started marriage counselling, I saw a counsellor and he saw a counsellor about his issues. He completely engaged in the process. She told me she had never seen anyone engage as well in treatment. He knows and understands his triggers, he has lapsed a couple of times and we have dealt with it by adding restrictions to his phone. He did tell me about the time he lapsed. It sets me back in how I am coping with the problem.
I know he loves me and that he's in recovery, we have a great relationship on the whole, make each other laugh, enjoy each other's company, still enjoy our sex life (after some work) but I have so much anger. Particularly in the run up to the anniversary of finding out. Which if I'm honest has ruined Christmas and new year. I worry that I'll never fully trust him again.
He kissed a woman at his work do before we were married, I am not sure I ever forgave him. But it was under similar circumstances, after his work do, when he was drunk.
He has only had one relationship, with me. I was his first and I think he has disappointment that he never had his chance to sow wild oats. He says not, but I think a lot of this is to do with this issue. I understand that addiction is complex rooted in all sorts of family relationship issues. i think it's a little bit about his lack of experience too. Particularly given his preferences.
What worries me is that, how can he ever really be happy with me. How will I ever be enough? How do I really work through this? Will it ever go away? The boundaries are set and he knows that another serious issue would be the end for us. But I don't know if I could ever go through with it, he's a wonderful father, I have come from a divorced family and I so did not want that for myself or my children.
The waiting...the waiting for the next mistake is killing me and I don't know if I can ever trust him again.
I am not sleeping, I am angry a lot, with him and it has affected all my relationships. My ability to trust people has also been affected.
There are times when it is easier, but I feel like Christmas and the run up to the new year will always be like this.
Thanks for reading