Hanna

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  1. Hanna added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    where do you start
    Hi I guess this is a question for Paula and her team but hopefully the answer will help both those with addictions and their family members.   
    Long story short, I separated from my about 2 months ago I am not in contact as we know we were triggering each other but eventually we will have to talk.  Previously my husband agreed to go for treatment at my insistence then dropped out due to car accident, them went fully into his addictions again but refusing treatment.  I dont know if that stance will continue and to be fair to me I need the space from the crazy to heal myself.  However if the day ever comes when we do talk about it again and he does decide to get help I am not sure where to start.  I have read so much and can identify my husband with multiple addictions including porn, SA, computer games, speed (hence is accident), religion etc etc but he also has OCD tendencies perhaps AHDD. From what he has said of childhood ( came from a very closed religious environment, he had to support family at very young age - sent away to work in a very different cultural environment with lots of sexual opportunities etc) so lots of trauma and maybe more.  I dont have the full history but I know he had problems at school was always naughty and ashamed of how poor family where, so lots going on.   
    So my question is if he ever asks for help where would he start, how would he get full assessment if potential mental health need and so many different addictions, it all feels a little chicken and egg.  I know its not my place to tell him to get better but if he ever asks I would like something in my tool kit so to speak.  We did go to GP who basically said its something you will grow out of, which is a bit alarming so would not want to use that as an access point again.  Where would he start?   
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  2. Hanna added a post in a topic How do I get through this?   

    Hi I have a similar situation I told my husband I did not want a marriage like this to which he replied "you have to accept me as i am" (that being both sex addict, porn addict and other multiple addictions.  I replied no I dont you need help, he said well we will get divorced so i said yes ok. We were in the process of selling our house (two weeks off completion) I said he could take anything he needed.  He said he never married to get divorced... he asked for it ??  We had a flat we were buying as a stop gap ( in my name), I said I would pay it off he could have it as his settlement.  He took everything he wanted, I rented a flat but 3 days before completion of sale it looked as if it was not going through.  My husband was telling me he was 'not doing anything' but his actions and total dissociation said differently.  Whilst I was talking to agent about possible sale not going ahead he was on computer looking for new office desk and book case, he never commented on sale issue but asked which desk he should have and complained i was not helping him enough!! What planet is he on.  He booked to go see his family the day after the initial completion date  ( to be fair this date was set for family event) so he moved out one night came home next night then moved out for 2 days.  The last time he came to the house I gave him remainder of his paperwork and told him to pick any photos he wanted, He finally asked what was happening with sale but I still was not sure so he left it that.  He never asked what I would do if it fell through etc I then asked "what happened to the man i married" - at that point he dashed out with tears running down his face.  He sat in his car outside and then text me to say 'sorry could not talk the pain was too much to bear xx'     I finally sold the house but we agreed that after selling I would pay flat off and put in his name only and I would keep remainder.  Well I never heard from him but had text 2 days ago ( which is now 6 weeks period) saying he hoped I was well and could I email copy of agreement we made (re flat and house sale monies) and let me know where we are at, thank you.  its mixed messages and all about him i think.  I have not replied as yet as not really sure how to reply.  But i do know if he does not get support I cant live with him, yes I love him but I dont like him in addict mode as he is immature ans selfish as they all are.   Like you he has told his family and friends, no one has contacted me because they dont see it, he seems so normal to everyone else.
    I dont know if he wanted a divorce or it was just another manipulation, I did not want divorce but without recovery i am better off without him even though it brakes my heart.  I too worried at first what will become of him but its his choice he knows he has multiple addictions but seems to wear it a badge to allow his bad behavior which i think is extensive but never got full disclosure.   As the weeks go by my stress is going down slowly and I am in therapy myself so taking one day at a time and will see what happens if anything, time does allow anxiety to drop a little and yes it is worrying when they are so emotionally immature how they will mange but they have to grow up.
    However its interesting that most sites/posts relating to addicts say they tend to stay with primary partner so not sure what makes an addict finally go maybe because they enjoy the addiction or are too afraid to give it up and know we have finally seen the other side of them.  None of those options give me much comfort because that translates as they prefer their addiction over you or they dont trust you enough to go through the recovery process or the constant battle in the relationship causes too much guilt or gets in the way of the addiction.
    And finally yes it hurts but without any form of recovery the hurt will only get worse so again one day at a time, its his choice and you must take car of yourself first.     
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  3. Hanna added a post in a topic Tell me what to do....   

    So sorry to here this but it sounds like he is not in recovery and certainly seeing one person once in last 5 months is not helping.   By the sound of his actions he is projecting onto you and picking up on your  'faults' to to deflect from himself.  Active addicts always have a reason to do things eg texting to check if you are checking on him.  They are always sorry when they get caught but I think that's more to do with the fear of their double life being exposed.   He sounds like he cant take any responsibility for his action...perhaps you should delay your plans for a while till he either gets into a better place or not.  This illness changes personalities and enable them to manipulate, lie and distort whilst increasing their lack of accountability and responsibility, they are emotionally immature as dont have the skills to live in reality until they go through the process of recovery.
    I am sorry if this sounds hard but that's what you are dealing with, google sex addiction, porn addiction so you are more aware of the illness and personality changes 
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  4. Hanna added a post in a topic North East   

    Hi I believe there are some 12 step groups in Leeds . look for SAA 
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  5. Hanna added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Interesting take on sex addiction
    Hi all 
    I just read this and wondered of anyone especially Paula and her team have any comments to make on this.  It seems that sex addiction treatment may not be all that is required and further research is required.   This site is American and seems to be for ladies who have left the addict so nothing much on recovery success, but perhaps that the reality???
    https://sisterhoodofsupport.org/sex-addictions-and-brain-changes-which-came-first/
     
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  6. Hanna added a post in a topic Just discovered my husbands secrets   

    Sadlady
    I too am an older women and I think thats harder as when we think about ourselves as we have so few years left and the waste oh the waste.  Its hard to come to terms with all the issues we face.  PM me if you want to chat, if not take care of yourself and I do hope you find a way forward and peace in the future what ever it looks like
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  7. Hanna added a post in a topic I should've known better   

    Hi Alicrumle
    My heart goes out to you ..I know exactly what you mean about dichotomy with the heart, trust, wanting to get answers, feeling a fool and the pain.  Interested to know where this all ended.
    Patty, I hope you are both now in a better situation and on the recovery path but if he is not  I would think twice about getting married for now, maybe just delay to see what future holds.  I would love to Pm but not sure how it works any idea?  
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  8. Hanna added a post in a topic PARTNER SENSITIVE SUPPORT   

    Hi Terita
    I clicked on the link but text is full of symbols - any idea why please as I would love to read please 
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  9. Hanna added a post in a topic 'Enabling' my husband's porn addiction   

    Oh K65 you are so right when you say 
    "For me the pain tells me something about my soul: I know the precious value of faithfulness.I prize its keeping and I grieve the loss of it."
    This is the thing that keeps me locked in my sole knows I love him, my sole see his struggle and my sole knows without hope there is nothing, just emptiness and fear.   My story is above but has progressed a little - he has moved into his flat and has been obsessed with getting it just right.  I told him to take what he wants and he has been very civil but lacks total emotion - here is an example I take a phone call, my (now just about empty) house sale is stalling perhaps falling through - he is there on his computer looking at desk and book shelf for his office, after call he asks me which one do I think best!  No discussion on phone call even though if house does not go through I will house mortgage, flat mortgage ( the one he has moved to) and rent for flat that I have got in anticipation of the move - we were due to complete today but heard nothing.  However the financial worry is a welcome distraction from everything else.  Today i am going to solicitor to start separation/divorce, not sure best way to go so will take her advice. 
    I did manage to have one chat with him to talk about his illness and he seemed to listen but next day it all washed over his head. My head says this marriage wont work, we have cultural differences, religious differences and I am 18yrs older than him so why does my sole make me so guilty for all this.  I think maybe he wanted to end marriage and maybe thats what pushed into the addiction but I KNOW now looking back that he had this years before I married him and at the odd times we have discussed he said he thought he just had a high sex drive.  He knows he has an illness as he has multiple addictions and knows something bad in his past has caused him to see relief in any addiction that is his choice at the time and that he uses it to get rid of his stress but wont go for help.  He says he can fix himself but I know thats really saying he (at that time) he is enjoying what he is doing.  
    He says if I dont accept him as he is the marriage wont work again another manipulation so I have stood my ground and will start divorce proceedings today.   I did think about throwing him out so he gets in the real world, but my sole would not allow me to do that hence setting him up in the flat.  To be fair he has contributed to this and did do all the refurbishment 1 yr  ago ( we rented it out) he is in debt yet spending on his flat, I transferred his savings to his account so he could pay bills (6K) but he has now spent most of that, new tyres for van (didnt need), Bike insurance ( could have paid monthly), things for his flat, booked to go home on 2 Sept to see his family for 2 weeks, booked car hire for same, booked taxi to airport and even spent £300 on cleaning materials, he has no idea about financial management, so I worry but I am not going to help in when he is in debt.  I am upset because I know I have now enabled him yet again but my sole/ heart is not strong enough to throw him out with nothing as that will torture me for the rest of my life so again I feel the guilt of the enabler.  Oh how I wish I was not in this position, how do I go on, I do love him but if he does not get help there is no guarantee but why do I still have hope?
    He came yesterday and I was packing the last of his things, I have been doing this in anticipation of the move and dare not wait for him to complete tasks, I came across all the books I purchase on Sex addiction so pack them also, he will find them when he unpacks his end - I do hope for his sake he will read.  The when doing his papers I found the Paula Hall leaflet, he was stood next to me so I gave it to him, to my surprise he took it and put it with his papers, he could have put in bin next to him but was this real interest or just another manipulation, who knows?
    I have spoken in depth to my family,  they said give him time but the house sale does not allow that so again my sole carries the guilt.  I live in fear for me, fear for him as he really is a gentle sole and at times I look at him when he is sat alone and see the damaged little child.  He freely admits he is lonely, and does not fit in and always feels people let him down then goes back to a narcissistic child, this kills me the pain is unbearable.  Tomorrow he will come for what maybe the last time and I am going to try to give a letter but dont know what to write - I dont want to damage him anymore or feed his ego but in my heart I dont want to loose him, if only I was sure this is what he wants (the real him, not the addict) but of course I cant say that as I am doing my best at tough love saying I respect his decision to divorce - any suggestions would be helpful from everyone as its going to be the most difficult letter of my life.
    I am trying to move on and have this morning have arranged to go and stay with my family just before he gets back from holiday so I am not available and have arranged to  get some counselling whilst there and will then continue via skype once I get back, that is of course assuming house sale goes through.
    Now thinking about the future is full of real fear because I have asked for detachment  services - what if it does not work for me, what if he wants help, what if he comes back, what if he does not - FEAR, PAIN, DISTRESS and a broken heart.  My sole is as lost as his.  I am lost in a world of uncertainty.  A few friends I have talked to said enough, letting him have flat is too much but  I could not live with myself if I didnt so live with the enabler role again as I have a good sole and a kind heart.
    I find this site very comforting and especially when I read that some husbands are getting help and do begin to understand both the addiction and effect on spouse.  I really wish you the very best and hope you all find some peace and of course a healthy life!
     
      
     
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  10. Hanna added a post in a topic 'Enabling' my husband's porn addiction   

    Hi Kitty 
    Many thanks for your reply ...I do feel so alone and so fearful but can do nothing except be polite and move things forward ...hopefully by September I will be in new flat, he in his, house sold and start a new chapter even though I am heart broken.  I do have a good heart but i think they pick us for that but because of that heart my heart goes out to him and my worry bout his future but I cant do nothing .. I am trying to think of a parting speech that may one day resonate in his addict head but nothing comes to mind. Anyone got any ideas?
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  11. Hanna added a post in a topic 'Enabling' my husband's porn addiction   

    Hi K65
    Many thanks for your kind words - Ive been flat hunting today ...he seems normal today but thats because he is looking for vehicle insurance and booking his holiday.  However he is making tea and has started to pack looks like the pressure is off him but as someone once told me - 'you can wake someone up when they are sleeping but NOT when they pretend to sleep' So onward we go and i know I have no choice but the FEAR and WORRY and PAIN is so great.   I feel so low as if I have fought a battle to no avail.   I wonder what the future holds ...I will survive I am strong but I worry so much where he is going to end up ..I cant help that and intend to have some therapy once move over .  But then I plan to move on but it drags me back what if he wants help eventually ...what will I do?  I have a good heart and i know the SA is only the symptom of the addiciton disease as he has multiple addictions but I still feel I have failed him even thought he wants the divorce and he does now seem more relaxed s perhaps it was the marriage that stopped him progressing.  Who really knows, my head spins with this thought and that all day long and I was already low due to 3 major family deaths in the last 8 months including my dear Mother so somehow I must pull myself together and realise this guy is not ready for recovery and may never be. 
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  12. Hanna added a post in a topic 'Enabling' my husband's porn addiction   

    How do you give up, how do you kill the hope, its driving me crazy!   My life has been in turmoil for years - I love my husband but also dont like him.  I listen to his lies and fell shut out of his life.  we had our D Day about 3 yrs ago, but still he denied but I stood strong and eventually after having a visit to Paul Hall got him to look at sex addiction and he finally admitted it but would not go for treatment.  This went on for months, I tried not talking to him, gently discussing with him, telling him 'not his fault' and slowly he started to come back .. i say that because he was not present most of the time.   However tensions rose as another episode came to light.  My husband has multiple addictions so goes from Sex addiction, porn, masturbation, over working, drinking (although at this point not a lot), going to church, constantly watching same TV over and over  ..I could go on.  as his partner and wife it is very painful to see this man who has so much potential - he comes over to others as a perfect husband as he is a gentle sole but a very damaged sole.  
    I eventually told him to leave and locked him out  - he came back with a friend and opened up about the porn and said he would go into counselling, he did for a while but never really seemed to engage and sadly had a car accident 2 months into it.  So I stopped work, nursed him back to health, he nearly died twice and was home for 18 months.  He joined a 12 step group just before that but hated it.  After accident he went back to work and refused to go into anymore support as he said God had paid him back for talking about his problem, he would fix himself.
     He told me he was trying, I believed at first but slowly the addictions took hold and for the next 17 mths I watched him slowly withdraw.  He had periods of depression and major isolation issues.  Our sex life was terrible, I realised i was just a fix, no foreplay, no intimacy just sex, the man I loved just did not exist.  So again I talked about his addictions , he agrees he has multiple addictions but wont discuss the sex addiction as he says he is out all day working or being with friends to keep himself occupied.  He goes out at 8am and comes back at pm most days and has only done a few hours work.  When I what he has done or where he has been he becomes defensive and them the withdraws either to bed or goes very quiet and sinks into depression.    I have no proof this time, I know he cant just stop but his refusal to discuss or get help has exasperated my feelings of despair that he many never get back to reality.    He constantly changes his mind about things and never turns up on time, wipes his computer which has a porn guard on but he still looks at things on U tube and guards his phone at all times  ...I could go on.  He says he is getting better but I know different, he has slipped back and again I know this is a reality but if he wont admit he is lying to me and himself. 
     
    Things came to ahead a few months ago when I put the house up for sale, a few months before we were looking at houses in readiness of a move.  Only when we have buyer does he say he does not want to move.  I do so I stood strong and sale completes in about 2 weeks.   He blames me for not listening, being to controlling, he says he is lonely at work and all he wants to do is come home and lay on settee to watch TV.    He has got himself into debt for cars, vans, motorbikes, and thinks nothing of what he is spending.  I told him I was sick of responsibility as I pay all the bills and he is not earning enough to pay his credit on the vehicles he has bought.  Again I could go on, I cold pay off his debts and stop house sale but I knew I would be just enabling him.  If friends have problems and I go he says very nicely oh why dont you stay over - he loves me being out.  the last few months I have come home to broken bedside lamp, broken TV, scratches on dining room chair and he even told me he had a cleaner in once but could not give me any details.  House is always clean and tidy but this time all my things were put away - eg dresses that I had left hung up ready to pack for holiday, watch & perfume I had left on dresser, I suspect it was a prostitute.  He has admitted he went with prostitutes and uses porn but takes the minimalists point of all men do it.
    Eventually I have decided to continue with house sale, he is not happy he says i make all the decisions and our relationship is a power struggle, it is I agree with him and his addictions.  At times he has admitted his early childhood cause the problem - he is from another country and from what he has said had a complete lack of nurturing, with strict religious boundaries but no control and lots of responsibility as he was sent away to work to support his family and siblings from age 13.  My heart goes out to him he is so damaged but he refuses to get help, he clearly states due to his pride and shame.  So we progress 2 weeks ago I told him I could not live in a marriage like this, I loved him but we are both wasting our lives.  He said I needed to accept him as he was, he loved me but needed time, again I suggested help, he refused so I stuck to my guns.
    The next night he came home and said we should divorce, I am not sure if it was a ploy to get me to accept him as he is or not so I said yes I think you are right.  We have discussed financial options, we own several rental properties so one will be signed over to him as his sole residence.  I was originally going to move in with him which he was happy for me to do but have since decided I am just moving the situation so will rent a flat for now before I decide if I move away totally.   He behavior has change a little he is asking if I need help and making coffee etc but obviously failing to complete tasks.  He is polite and trying to do his own paperwork ( I usually do this for him), I am trying to arrange a removal date and he announces he is going to visit his family abroad possibly day after we move.   I tell him may move date because I may not have flat he says I should stay in his flat he will rent room.  I intend to get the flat as living with him will only put me back in the mother role. 
    So I now have two weeks to wind my home up, find a flat and end my marriage -  He spoke to family last night on skype and asked me to look as his little nephew (2 yrs) wanted to see me.  I did as I love this little boy as well but much to my amazement he family are their to all waiving and saying hello....they obviously have no idea!!  So I continue with my plans.
    I dont  really know what else I could do, I love this guy but hate the addict and maybe it will get him to focus on getting help, I am so confused one minute I am glad it over next I worrying about him how he will cope or if he realises what his addiction is going to do.  Then panic what he if comes back says he going to get help...what do I do...what if he doesnt???
    I told my family a few weeks ago and they were very supportive and even suggested they speak with him, they told me not to rush things as he may be trying but I cant stop the clock so onward to the future we go.  Maybe we both just given up!
    ps not sure if this is posted correctly as first time on site 
     
     
     
     
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