How do you give up, how do you kill the hope, its driving me crazy! My life has been in turmoil for years - I love my husband but also dont like him. I listen to his lies and fell shut out of his life. we had our D Day about 3 yrs ago, but still he denied but I stood strong and eventually after having a visit to Paul Hall got him to look at sex addiction and he finally admitted it but would not go for treatment. This went on for months, I tried not talking to him, gently discussing with him, telling him 'not his fault' and slowly he started to come back .. i say that because he was not present most of the time. However tensions rose as another episode came to light. My husband has multiple addictions so goes from Sex addiction, porn, masturbation, over working, drinking (although at this point not a lot), going to church, constantly watching same TV over and over ..I could go on. as his partner and wife it is very painful to see this man who has so much potential - he comes over to others as a perfect husband as he is a gentle sole but a very damaged sole.
I eventually told him to leave and locked him out - he came back with a friend and opened up about the porn and said he would go into counselling, he did for a while but never really seemed to engage and sadly had a car accident 2 months into it. So I stopped work, nursed him back to health, he nearly died twice and was home for 18 months. He joined a 12 step group just before that but hated it. After accident he went back to work and refused to go into anymore support as he said God had paid him back for talking about his problem, he would fix himself.
He told me he was trying, I believed at first but slowly the addictions took hold and for the next 17 mths I watched him slowly withdraw. He had periods of depression and major isolation issues. Our sex life was terrible, I realised i was just a fix, no foreplay, no intimacy just sex, the man I loved just did not exist. So again I talked about his addictions , he agrees he has multiple addictions but wont discuss the sex addiction as he says he is out all day working or being with friends to keep himself occupied. He goes out at 8am and comes back at pm most days and has only done a few hours work. When I what he has done or where he has been he becomes defensive and them the withdraws either to bed or goes very quiet and sinks into depression. I have no proof this time, I know he cant just stop but his refusal to discuss or get help has exasperated my feelings of despair that he many never get back to reality. He constantly changes his mind about things and never turns up on time, wipes his computer which has a porn guard on but he still looks at things on U tube and guards his phone at all times ...I could go on. He says he is getting better but I know different, he has slipped back and again I know this is a reality but if he wont admit he is lying to me and himself.
Things came to ahead a few months ago when I put the house up for sale, a few months before we were looking at houses in readiness of a move. Only when we have buyer does he say he does not want to move. I do so I stood strong and sale completes in about 2 weeks. He blames me for not listening, being to controlling, he says he is lonely at work and all he wants to do is come home and lay on settee to watch TV. He has got himself into debt for cars, vans, motorbikes, and thinks nothing of what he is spending. I told him I was sick of responsibility as I pay all the bills and he is not earning enough to pay his credit on the vehicles he has bought. Again I could go on, I cold pay off his debts and stop house sale but I knew I would be just enabling him. If friends have problems and I go he says very nicely oh why dont you stay over - he loves me being out. the last few months I have come home to broken bedside lamp, broken TV, scratches on dining room chair and he even told me he had a cleaner in once but could not give me any details. House is always clean and tidy but this time all my things were put away - eg dresses that I had left hung up ready to pack for holiday, watch & perfume I had left on dresser, I suspect it was a prostitute. He has admitted he went with prostitutes and uses porn but takes the minimalists point of all men do it.
Eventually I have decided to continue with house sale, he is not happy he says i make all the decisions and our relationship is a power struggle, it is I agree with him and his addictions. At times he has admitted his early childhood cause the problem - he is from another country and from what he has said had a complete lack of nurturing, with strict religious boundaries but no control and lots of responsibility as he was sent away to work to support his family and siblings from age 13. My heart goes out to him he is so damaged but he refuses to get help, he clearly states due to his pride and shame. So we progress 2 weeks ago I told him I could not live in a marriage like this, I loved him but we are both wasting our lives. He said I needed to accept him as he was, he loved me but needed time, again I suggested help, he refused so I stuck to my guns.
The next night he came home and said we should divorce, I am not sure if it was a ploy to get me to accept him as he is or not so I said yes I think you are right. We have discussed financial options, we own several rental properties so one will be signed over to him as his sole residence. I was originally going to move in with him which he was happy for me to do but have since decided I am just moving the situation so will rent a flat for now before I decide if I move away totally. He behavior has change a little he is asking if I need help and making coffee etc but obviously failing to complete tasks. He is polite and trying to do his own paperwork ( I usually do this for him), I am trying to arrange a removal date and he announces he is going to visit his family abroad possibly day after we move. I tell him may move date because I may not have flat he says I should stay in his flat he will rent room. I intend to get the flat as living with him will only put me back in the mother role.
So I now have two weeks to wind my home up, find a flat and end my marriage - He spoke to family last night on skype and asked me to look as his little nephew (2 yrs) wanted to see me. I did as I love this little boy as well but much to my amazement he family are their to all waiving and saying hello....they obviously have no idea!! So I continue with my plans.
I dont really know what else I could do, I love this guy but hate the addict and maybe it will get him to focus on getting help, I am so confused one minute I am glad it over next I worrying about him how he will cope or if he realises what his addiction is going to do. Then panic what he if comes back says he going to get help...what do I do...what if he doesnt???
I told my family a few weeks ago and they were very supportive and even suggested they speak with him, they told me not to rush things as he may be trying but I cant stop the clock so onward to the future we go. Maybe we both just given up!
ps not sure if this is posted correctly as first time on site