Prue I am so sorry you are going through this, unfortunately when thy are in addictive stage they are very selfish. I assume its to do with fear of not being able to cope without their fix, shame that its come out and eventually denial. All addicts are different some get help, some think they can cure themselves, some are too proud to get help. It is devastating for partners and I am sure for the addicts themselves but we are only guessing as it very rare to have an ex addict to answer questions. Oh if that was only possible I thanks PJ for his honesty and so wish more would come forward but they dont, again the shame I think. They do blame the partner as its easier to deflect and not take responsibility but do they ever regret, I dont know especially when they leave the relationship, again ex addicts would be helpful in providing this information. I do know you must take care of yourself first and its hard as you are dealing with the shock, grief, feelings of abandonment, not good enough etc and the loss of the future you thought you had. There is a secret facebook page XXXposed Hearts which supports partners and helps with issues you may be feeling - its certainly very useful and will give you a forum to discuss with other partners. Pm me if you need to chat
Hi ladies Are you aware that there is a secret Facebook page for partners of SA / porn addiction etc - you have to request access and wait for response but if you want details please Pm me. There is also another site called Sisters of Support - its American and gives a pretty grim picture but there are some recovery stories - google it! Angel thanks you for your frank and honest response
You could also read as many books as you can - they say Russel brand is good but i have not read but did read Gary Wilson - your brain on porn , very good, pity my husband would not read before we split.
Hi I guess this is a question for Paula and her team but hopefully the answer will help both those with addictions and their family members. Long story short, I separated from my about 2 months ago I am not in contact as we know we were triggering each other but eventually we will have to talk. Previously my husband agreed to go for treatment at my insistence then dropped out due to car accident, them went fully into his addictions again but refusing treatment. I dont know if that stance will continue and to be fair to me I need the space from the crazy to heal myself. However if the day ever comes when we do talk about it again and he does decide to get help I am not sure where to start. I have read so much and can identify my husband with multiple addictions including porn, SA, computer games, speed (hence is accident), religion etc etc but he also has OCD tendencies perhaps AHDD. From what he has said of childhood ( came from a very closed religious environment, he had to support family at very young age - sent away to work in a very different cultural environment with lots of sexual opportunities etc) so lots of trauma and maybe more. I dont have the full history but I know he had problems at school was always naughty and ashamed of how poor family where, so lots going on. So my question is if he ever asks for help where would he start, how would he get full assessment if potential mental health need and so many different addictions, it all feels a little chicken and egg. I know its not my place to tell him to get better but if he ever asks I would like something in my tool kit so to speak. We did go to GP who basically said its something you will grow out of, which is a bit alarming so would not want to use that as an access point again. Where would he start?
Hi I have a similar situation I told my husband I did not want a marriage like this to which he replied "you have to accept me as i am" (that being both sex addict, porn addict and other multiple addictions. I replied no I dont you need help, he said well we will get divorced so i said yes ok. We were in the process of selling our house (two weeks off completion) I said he could take anything he needed. He said he never married to get divorced... he asked for it ?? We had a flat we were buying as a stop gap ( in my name), I said I would pay it off he could have it as his settlement. He took everything he wanted, I rented a flat but 3 days before completion of sale it looked as if it was not going through. My husband was telling me he was 'not doing anything' but his actions and total dissociation said differently. Whilst I was talking to agent about possible sale not going ahead he was on computer looking for new office desk and book case, he never commented on sale issue but asked which desk he should have and complained i was not helping him enough!! What planet is he on. He booked to go see his family the day after the initial completion date ( to be fair this date was set for family event) so he moved out one night came home next night then moved out for 2 days. The last time he came to the house I gave him remainder of his paperwork and told him to pick any photos he wanted, He finally asked what was happening with sale but I still was not sure so he left it that. He never asked what I would do if it fell through etc I then asked "what happened to the man i married" - at that point he dashed out with tears running down his face. He sat in his car outside and then text me to say 'sorry could not talk the pain was too much to bear xx' I finally sold the house but we agreed that after selling I would pay flat off and put in his name only and I would keep remainder. Well I never heard from him but had text 2 days ago ( which is now 6 weeks period) saying he hoped I was well and could I email copy of agreement we made (re flat and house sale monies) and let me know where we are at, thank you. its mixed messages and all about him i think. I have not replied as yet as not really sure how to reply. But i do know if he does not get support I cant live with him, yes I love him but I dont like him in addict mode as he is immature ans selfish as they all are. Like you he has told his family and friends, no one has contacted me because they dont see it, he seems so normal to everyone else. I dont know if he wanted a divorce or it was just another manipulation, I did not want divorce but without recovery i am better off without him even though it brakes my heart. I too worried at first what will become of him but its his choice he knows he has multiple addictions but seems to wear it a badge to allow his bad behavior which i think is extensive but never got full disclosure. As the weeks go by my stress is going down slowly and I am in therapy myself so taking one day at a time and will see what happens if anything, time does allow anxiety to drop a little and yes it is worrying when they are so emotionally immature how they will mange but they have to grow up. However its interesting that most sites/posts relating to addicts say they tend to stay with primary partner so not sure what makes an addict finally go maybe because they enjoy the addiction or are too afraid to give it up and know we have finally seen the other side of them. None of those options give me much comfort because that translates as they prefer their addiction over you or they dont trust you enough to go through the recovery process or the constant battle in the relationship causes too much guilt or gets in the way of the addiction. And finally yes it hurts but without any form of recovery the hurt will only get worse so again one day at a time, its his choice and you must take car of yourself first.
So sorry to here this but it sounds like he is not in recovery and certainly seeing one person once in last 5 months is not helping. By the sound of his actions he is projecting onto you and picking up on your 'faults' to to deflect from himself. Active addicts always have a reason to do things eg texting to check if you are checking on him. They are always sorry when they get caught but I think that's more to do with the fear of their double life being exposed. He sounds like he cant take any responsibility for his action...perhaps you should delay your plans for a while till he either gets into a better place or not. This illness changes personalities and enable them to manipulate, lie and distort whilst increasing their lack of accountability and responsibility, they are emotionally immature as dont have the skills to live in reality until they go through the process of recovery. I am sorry if this sounds hard but that's what you are dealing with, google sex addiction, porn addiction so you are more aware of the illness and personality changes
Hi all I just read this and wondered of anyone especially Paula and her team have any comments to make on this. It seems that sex addiction treatment may not be all that is required and further research is required. This site is American and seems to be for ladies who have left the addict so nothing much on recovery success, but perhaps that the reality??? https://sisterhoodofsupport.org/sex-addictions-and-brain-changes-which-came-first/
Sadlady I too am an older women and I think thats harder as when we think about ourselves as we have so few years left and the waste oh the waste. Its hard to come to terms with all the issues we face. PM me if you want to chat, if not take care of yourself and I do hope you find a way forward and peace in the future what ever it looks like
Hi Alicrumle My heart goes out to you ..I know exactly what you mean about dichotomy with the heart, trust, wanting to get answers, feeling a fool and the pain. Interested to know where this all ended. Patty, I hope you are both now in a better situation and on the recovery path but if he is not I would think twice about getting married for now, maybe just delay to see what future holds. I would love to Pm but not sure how it works any idea?
Oh K65 you are so right when you say "For me the pain tells me something about my soul: I know the precious value of faithfulness.I prize its keeping and I grieve the loss of it." This is the thing that keeps me locked in my sole knows I love him, my sole see his struggle and my sole knows without hope there is nothing, just emptiness and fear. My story is above but has progressed a little - he has moved into his flat and has been obsessed with getting it just right. I told him to take what he wants and he has been very civil but lacks total emotion - here is an example I take a phone call, my (now just about empty) house sale is stalling perhaps falling through - he is there on his computer looking at desk and book shelf for his office, after call he asks me which one do I think best! No discussion on phone call even though if house does not go through I will house mortgage, flat mortgage ( the one he has moved to) and rent for flat that I have got in anticipation of the move - we were due to complete today but heard nothing. However the financial worry is a welcome distraction from everything else. Today i am going to solicitor to start separation/divorce, not sure best way to go so will take her advice. I did manage to have one chat with him to talk about his illness and he seemed to listen but next day it all washed over his head. My head says this marriage wont work, we have cultural differences, religious differences and I am 18yrs older than him so why does my sole make me so guilty for all this. I think maybe he wanted to end marriage and maybe thats what pushed into the addiction but I KNOW now looking back that he had this years before I married him and at the odd times we have discussed he said he thought he just had a high sex drive. He knows he has an illness as he has multiple addictions and knows something bad in his past has caused him to see relief in any addiction that is his choice at the time and that he uses it to get rid of his stress but wont go for help. He says he can fix himself but I know thats really saying he (at that time) he is enjoying what he is doing. He says if I dont accept him as he is the marriage wont work again another manipulation so I have stood my ground and will start divorce proceedings today. I did think about throwing him out so he gets in the real world, but my sole would not allow me to do that hence setting him up in the flat. To be fair he has contributed to this and did do all the refurbishment 1 yr ago ( we rented it out) he is in debt yet spending on his flat, I transferred his savings to his account so he could pay bills (6K) but he has now spent most of that, new tyres for van (didnt need), Bike insurance ( could have paid monthly), things for his flat, booked to go home on 2 Sept to see his family for 2 weeks, booked car hire for same, booked taxi to airport and even spent £300 on cleaning materials, he has no idea about financial management, so I worry but I am not going to help in when he is in debt. I am upset because I know I have now enabled him yet again but my sole/ heart is not strong enough to throw him out with nothing as that will torture me for the rest of my life so again I feel the guilt of the enabler. Oh how I wish I was not in this position, how do I go on, I do love him but if he does not get help there is no guarantee but why do I still have hope? He came yesterday and I was packing the last of his things, I have been doing this in anticipation of the move and dare not wait for him to complete tasks, I came across all the books I purchase on Sex addiction so pack them also, he will find them when he unpacks his end - I do hope for his sake he will read. The when doing his papers I found the Paula Hall leaflet, he was stood next to me so I gave it to him, to my surprise he took it and put it with his papers, he could have put in bin next to him but was this real interest or just another manipulation, who knows? I have spoken in depth to my family, they said give him time but the house sale does not allow that so again my sole carries the guilt. I live in fear for me, fear for him as he really is a gentle sole and at times I look at him when he is sat alone and see the damaged little child. He freely admits he is lonely, and does not fit in and always feels people let him down then goes back to a narcissistic child, this kills me the pain is unbearable. Tomorrow he will come for what maybe the last time and I am going to try to give a letter but dont know what to write - I dont want to damage him anymore or feed his ego but in my heart I dont want to loose him, if only I was sure this is what he wants (the real him, not the addict) but of course I cant say that as I am doing my best at tough love saying I respect his decision to divorce - any suggestions would be helpful from everyone as its going to be the most difficult letter of my life. I am trying to move on and have this morning have arranged to go and stay with my family just before he gets back from holiday so I am not available and have arranged to get some counselling whilst there and will then continue via skype once I get back, that is of course assuming house sale goes through. Now thinking about the future is full of real fear because I have asked for detachment services - what if it does not work for me, what if he wants help, what if he comes back, what if he does not - FEAR, PAIN, DISTRESS and a broken heart. My sole is as lost as his. I am lost in a world of uncertainty. A few friends I have talked to said enough, letting him have flat is too much but I could not live with myself if I didnt so live with the enabler role again as I have a good sole and a kind heart. I find this site very comforting and especially when I read that some husbands are getting help and do begin to understand both the addiction and effect on spouse. I really wish you the very best and hope you all find some peace and of course a healthy life!
Hi Kitty Many thanks for your reply ...I do feel so alone and so fearful but can do nothing except be polite and move things forward ...hopefully by September I will be in new flat, he in his, house sold and start a new chapter even though I am heart broken. I do have a good heart but i think they pick us for that but because of that heart my heart goes out to him and my worry bout his future but I cant do nothing .. I am trying to think of a parting speech that may one day resonate in his addict head but nothing comes to mind. Anyone got any ideas?
Hi K65 Many thanks for your kind words - Ive been flat hunting today ...he seems normal today but thats because he is looking for vehicle insurance and booking his holiday. However he is making tea and has started to pack looks like the pressure is off him but as someone once told me - 'you can wake someone up when they are sleeping but NOT when they pretend to sleep' So onward we go and i know I have no choice but the FEAR and WORRY and PAIN is so great. I feel so low as if I have fought a battle to no avail. I wonder what the future holds ...I will survive I am strong but I worry so much where he is going to end up ..I cant help that and intend to have some therapy once move over . But then I plan to move on but it drags me back what if he wants help eventually ...what will I do? I have a good heart and i know the SA is only the symptom of the addiciton disease as he has multiple addictions but I still feel I have failed him even thought he wants the divorce and he does now seem more relaxed s perhaps it was the marriage that stopped him progressing. Who really knows, my head spins with this thought and that all day long and I was already low due to 3 major family deaths in the last 8 months including my dear Mother so somehow I must pull myself together and realise this guy is not ready for recovery and may never be.