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  1. Realitycheck added a post in a topic Will things get better?   

    Hi Rena and Eliza, I have struggled with the Jekyll and Hyde thing too. What I find confusing now is knowing whether the moral compass was every really there in the first place? I wonder and doubt his whole personality because of the acute ability to manage to live such a double life. Sometimes I wonder where the ability to lie really stems: is the sa a symptom of some bigger personality disorder or is the deceit really induced by the shame. Because if the standards were ever so high and genuine why would they behave in a such disrespectful way in the first place. And if they had such good grounding surely normal shame/guilt would have kicked their ass away from all that crap and as soon as they new they did the thing that violated their values they would have stopped before becoming addicted?? 
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  2. Realitycheck added a post in a topic Patience   

    Firstly, thank you for taking the time to reply. My partner went on the UPN course and most of the content was repetition of what was gone over on the intensive course.   He said it was a waste of time and money.  I am disappointed. I have read both books and a lot of the book for partners is repetition of the book for the 'addict'.  I appreciate the book is initially good because it gives you a label, it offers some theory when you are desperate to make sense of your shattered world but I find it cold and lacking in solutions for the partner.   It basically states the obvious of how you feel but offers no real compassionate reasoning for why.  The courses are not cheap and in my experience my partner has come away with a very damaging victim stance, still very defensive, has not had any insight at all of understanding a partners needs. Still manipulative. The only thing he has been practicing is self assertion and he has only damaged relationship further by asserting his own selfish and warped attitude. He has gained no support with how to take responsibility for the damage he has caused. He gets angry that I refuse to accept him sweeping it under the carpet.   I appreciate that your courses are designed for the addict and that the nature of this is the epitome of self-centredness but I do not think you can claim to understand partners. Five months in, he's been on the intensive with weekly sessions from one of your councillors at a whopping 75.00 each and still no emergence of empathy, still no sign of finding his way to focus on any restoration work on our relationship. I have run out of patience.
    WORTHYHOPE the book you suggest is definitely worth the read and made a lot of sense but my partner has not been able to improve from it unfortunately. His overall attitude suggests anything that even hints of God and he's automatically rubbishing the credibility of any of the writers wise words. 
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  3. Realitycheck added a post in a topic My husband is addicted to sex workers   

    I too have been devastated by the henious discovery of my partners sa. As well as some Skype sessions with a counsellor to talk to I have found the book 'Living and Loving after Betrayal', how to heal from emotional abuse, deceit, infidelity and chronic resentment by Steven Stosny excellent. I also read Paula's book for partners which is helpful to get a grip on the confusion and chaos experienced amid initial discovery. 
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  4. Realitycheck added a topic in Partner Concerns   

    Hi, I am really struggling to come to terms with the fact that the father of my kids is a sex addict. This only came to light weeks after the birth of our youngest.  He has been on the intensive course and returned more selfish regarding my emotions and pain than ever.  I understand that he must be able to focus on recovery but I am struggling to come to terms with the rejection and feel that I was and never will be wanted by him in a normal way.  I'm disappointed that there seems very little time spent on explaining the severe impact on partners yet it seems that partners support is acknowledged as important and beneficial to an addicts recovery. Whilst I get that both partners  have to work on themselves, family life cannot just stop. I feel like I am supposed to suddenly be made of stone and steel not blood and guts. Believe me I know I have guts,  but I am really struggling to be expected to constantly maintain compassion for the perpetrator of all my pain, struggling to show patience with my partner whilst none is returned  when I need it most from him.  Sorry for ramble, just need to get it out. 
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