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Christine

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  1. Hi Lulu 18 So pleased to hear you are already booked onto the 4 day intensive - i'm sure this will help. The one day workshop is for your partner only, it is called "Understanding Partners Needs" have a look at the workshop on the website I believe the next one is coming up very soon, you could print off the information for him to look at. Perhaps when you have completed the intensive you could think about having couples therapy in the future. You need to give each other time. Take care Christine
  2. It is never the partners fault, addictions usually develop as a result of underlying reasons which are nothing to do with a relationship and have usually happened at a much earlier stage. Recovery does give the individual hope that they can change, meanwhile you are left dealing with the pain, hurt and trauma of discovering and not knowing whether this will happen again. Partners need to gain their own understanding of the addiction and consider how they themselves recovery from the knowledge this new reality which is traumatic, all of what you are feeling are normal reactions and responses to this trauma. The Laurel Centre run a one day workshop that helps the person in recovery understand what and why their partner responds and reacts in the way they do, it also helps the partner with the addiction to understand their responsibility and think about the impact of their behaviour both the impact of the addiction on the partner and the need for openness and honesty in recovery. You can go to the website and book directly onto this course.
  3. Hi Lulu18 I have just read your post and wondered who are you getting support from, trying to work through the issues for yourself, the mind field of what is truth and what is not truth, how can you know whether he is lying or not and if he is lying then is this about the addiction or is this an habit that still needs work as part of the recovery? Constantly wanting to look into his behaviour but then being triggered by what might or might not be happening, let alone the pain and fear of what you might discover. I wonder if you have considered your own support needs through all of this and whether you would find some of the partners support offered through The Laurel Centre beneficial, both in how to manage your situation and also to enable you to have a support network of other women who are experiencing a similar situation to yourself. Have a look at the courses being offered, either as an intensive or weekly, depending upon your circumstances. Many women find the support of the group very helpful. Not only does it give you the support of the group but it will help you think about why someone develops this addiction, how they recover and what you need to consider in order to look after yourself and manage the trauma and ongoing situation. I hope you are in a position to consider this.
  4. Christine

    I have a problem

    Rob Good to hear that you are acknowledging that you do have a problem, you might find it helpful to go to www.sexaddictionhelp.co.uk and if this confirms anything for you then seek support. You have made a first step Warmest wishes Christine
  5. Christine

    He doesn't see anything wrong.....

    Laura thank you for having the courage to come onto the site and share. Firstly, it is clear that you love your husband, it's his behaviour that is causing the concern and is causing you a level of distress. Clearly he is asking or involving you in behaviour which sounds like it is compromising who you are, perhaps you need to remain honest with both yourself and him about what behaviour is okay for you and not okay for you. You might find it helpful print off materials or buy books, listed below, that can help both of you consider what might be happening for him. You could also ask him if he would be willing to look at an online resource; www.sexaddictionhelp.co.uk You might also find the resources on the www.recoverynation.com useful 1. Understanding and Treating Sex Addiction, Paula Hall 2. Sex Addiction the Partner's Perspective, Paula Hall Paula has also done a ted talk which you may find helpful to view. I could suggest lots of other resources but perhaps this will be a good starting point for you. Take Care Christine
  6. Christine

    Maire

    Hi Maire Thank you for having the courage to write on the forum, it is clear that you care deeply for your partner and you can see he needs support to understand how much this is affecting your relationship. However, unless he recognises that what he is doing is causing harm in the relationship then he may not want to acknowledge that he may have an issue. Initially, if you have not done so already, it might be helpful for you to discuss what is acceptable and not acceptable within the relationship. Then to agree boundaries and what will happen if the boundaries are not maintained. So, if looking at porn is not acceptable within the relationship then that is agreed and if this is not maintained then you agree how this will be managed; for example, he agrees to look at whether his behaviour is harming both him and the relationship because it is out of control, and/or you agree to not have physical contact until he stops using porn a couple of months. This is not a question of whether porn is right or wrong it is a question of whether the behaviour is causing harm, it sounds like it is causing pain and impacting upon how you feel within the relationship. You might find the following helpful; www.pornaddictionhelp.co.uk, www.yourbrainonporn.com and the book Sex Addiction: The Partner's Perspective.
  7. Christine

    Feeling betrayed ... Again

    KT thank you for posting what you are going through and how you are feeling, it is an awful position to be in. Given your recent discovery, what you are feeling is completely understandable, whether you decide to stay in the relationship or the separation is ongoing, his recovery is down to what he decides to do. What is important for you is that you take care of you, give yourself time and space and manage your own feelings of hurt, anger and despair. Maybe with how you are feeling at the moment it is not a good time to make any decisions about the relationship but instead focus on taking care of you. Take care Christine
  8. Christine

    Polygraph Test Concerns

    To be able to respond to your concern I would need to know more about the type of test your husband did and also whether this also involved a therapeutic disclosure. I would not suggest a polygraph without the couple firstly undertaking a therapeutic disclosure.
  9. Christine

    Sexy images

    Millie Perhaps you could share with him why this is hurting you and ask him if he will stop because it is causing you hurt. I wonder how he would feel if you were doing the same but with men? The question to ask is why is he doing this when it is causing harm to his relationship and to you. Is this something he would be willing to stop if he knows it is hurting you.
  10. Christine

    New and ashamed

    Hi all Just wanted to let you all know, but particularly those who were seeking therapy for support, if people cannot afford the therapy offered by a qualified therapist at the Laurel Centre then where possible we can offer a reduced fee where you can work with someone who is a qualified therapist and who is training in the field of sex addiction. If you would still like support and have not been informed of this option please do not hesitate to contact the Laurel Centre and ask to be referred to a trainee therapist. Hopefully, this addiction will be one day be recognised in the same way that substance misuse is so that people can have access to support therapeutically, as part of a recovery plan. Take Care Christine
  11. Christine

    What I'm going through now

    Thank you for posting your story, this must have taken courage to face, write down and then decide to share. I hope your recovery goes from strength to strength.
  12. It might be worth speaking to someone at an organisation called Stopso or refer back to the Probation Service
  13. Hi The drip drip of disclosure and discovery is very painful and hurtful and it is important to allow yourself time, it is often difficult to make decisions when we are confused. Perhaps looking at the choices and talking though the pain and confusion are helpful to do with the counsellor. You have the option of considering a therapeutic disclosure which may help address the 'what you feel you need to know now,' it may also help you to think though the moving forward. Allow yourself time and when you are ready, the right to make a decision that is right for you. Ensure that you spend time taking care of you and not allowing this to dominate all of your day, although this is hard to do. Christine
  14. Hi It's a completely normal reaction to feel confused when you continue to discover more about the person you love and that he has an addiction of this nature, you have done the right thing by reaching out and getting support from a counsellor, if the counsellor is trained to support partners of people with addictions they will support you in addressing your confusion and being able to work out what is right for you. A therapeutic disclosure about all the behaviour may be beneficial to you before trying to make an informed decision. Talk this through with the counsellor as this may help you. Take care Christine
  15. Christine

    No compassion, no nothing

    I wonder if you need to allow yourself time before making any long term decisions, although whatever decision you make is yours to make and whether you stay together or decide to leave the relationship is completely your decision and their is no right or wrong decision in a situation like this. Christine
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