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About Cowslip

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  1. Cowslip added a post in a topic Looking for understanding   

    We found some counsellors on the internet, and he rang several until he found one with experience in helping people with addiction to porn.  He had several sessions initially, which helped him understand why he behaved as he did, and I think knowing he can go back if he needs to has also been helpful.  He also found the self-help programme (the kick start recovery kit) you can get from this site very useful, and he keeps that to hand to go back through if things ever get tough.  
    I've though about counselling for myself, too, but at the moment I don't think I'm ready for that.  
    Hope you can find something to help you both.
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  2. Cowslip added a post in a topic Looking for understanding   

    Hi Anon123
    I can identify with so much of what you are saying.  I was aware of my husband's porn use over our 30 year marriage.  In the first place it was just 'top shelf' magazines, and the occasional video.  I was not happy about it, but accepted the received wisdom that 'all men do it', and apart from that I would have said that our marriage was relatively stable and (for me at least) sexually fulfilling. Two years ago I discovered that his porn use had escalated dramatically, and was shocked by the extreme nature of some of the things he was watching.  I confronted him, he was distraught and embarrassed and promised to quit.  Nine months on, and I found that he had quit for all of two months, and was viewing just as much as before.  The second time was much more devastating, as he was now aware of how I disturbed and upset I was by his porn use, but he went back to it anyway, after all his promises.  It felt as though I had been stabbed through the heart.
    He is now in a better place, and has received some help to understand and deal with his addiction (he now understands that is what it is - previously, he said, he thought he was just 'made that way').  He made what I believe was a full disclosure to me, which was hard for both of us, but was very necessary.  We are both trying to be more open and honest and more supportive of each other's emotional needs.  I think that it was only the second time that he really understood both the harm he was doing to me, and the harm he was doing to himself.  Bizarrely, I think we are now in some ways closer than we had been for a long time.
    However, like you, I look back at the photos and videos of our life together, and wonder if I was just deceiving myself about this man all along.  The bad patches in our marriage now loom much larger in my memory than the good times, and I am frequently sideswiped by some reference or incident which brings back to me the avalanche of grief and anger that I felt when I discovered his porn use for the second time.
    Will I stay with him?  I am not sure. Do I trust him?  Not yet.  Do I still love him?  Sometimes.  I take each day as it comes, make time for myself, and make sure that if I am worried or concerned, I confront him with it immediately.  
    I wish you all the very best as you move forwards, and want you to know that what you are feeling is shared by so many other women.  We are strong and we can come through this!
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