PJ

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About PJ

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  1. PJ added a post in a topic SLAA / SAA / other support groups   

    Hi workinprogress - in my group we don't absolve ourselves by blaming a Higher Power.  Groups vary enormously, it could have been a quirk of your particular group?
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  2. PJ added a post in a topic New here   

    Hi Caron
    That can't be easy - having sexual need but not fulfilling it in a way that fits with your values.
    I would encourage you to speak to your pastor/priest - my experience is that very often they have heard it all before (and won't bat an eyelid) but most significantly the power of the secrecy and the shame is significantly reduced.  Confide in some trusted friends/family about your predicament.
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  3. PJ added a post in a topic I am a Christian, cant seem to get free from the porn, I keep getting drawn back to it again   

    Hi Matt - you aren't alone.  There are many Christians who struggle with the same issue.  I would encourage you first of all to read up on porn addiction, and Paula's new book is an excellent place to start.  Secondly to get some help - either find a counsellor who specialises in sex addiction (Paula might be able to recommend one) or try an 12 step group.  Thirdly, confide in someone you trust.  Let us know how you get on.
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  4. PJ added a post in a topic Triggers   

    Hi Hangingthere - keep talking.  You sound like you feel trapped and have no options.  Let us know how things are going.
     
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  5. PJ added a post in a topic Where to go from here??   

    Broken - that sounds tough.  How are things going now?  
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  6. PJ added a post in a topic SLAA / SAA / other support groups   

    Hi Pat - I go to an SAA meeting on a regular basis.  All 12 step meetings have a 'divine' basis.  Mine starts and begins with the serenity prayer.  And like the ones you have been to, we aren't allowed to offer advice during the session although it is fine outside the session.  The guys who are particularly hot about this feel it is less safe when this value isn't respected and over time I have come to appreciate their strictness on this.  I would encourage you to keep going for some weeks, perhaps even months and see how it feels when you have got used to it.  It took me some while.
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  7. PJ added a post in a topic Schrödinger's 90 day reboot   

    Wow Schrodinger - you are really fighting this.  Well done - you seem to doing a lot of good things.  It doesn't sound like you have others supporting you through this.  I just wonder if that might help?
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  8. PJ added a post in a topic Hello Newbie Here   

    Hi Izzy
    As Schrodinger says, you have started well - the first step is to realise you are addicted, powerless over this and the only way to conquer it is to get help.
    Paula's book on Sex Addiction is an excellent book to understand the basics about it and what to do about it but it won't be enough - you need either a course like her recovery course of which she has a variety of different formats or a 12 step programme.  There are 3 different 12steps - one is Sexaholics Anonymous which is on the stricter end, 'Sex Addicts Anonymous' and 'Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous' - the latter is more mixed.  Do look on their different websites.
    It can be a long road but worth every step - sex addiction leads to so much pain and damage.  
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  9. PJ added a topic in Success Stories   

    A year into recovery
    12 months ago I was about to go on a Recovery Intensive with Paula.  I had been exposed to porn from the age of 9 or 10, struggled with compulsive masturbation since puberty, compulsively watched internet pornography wasting hours most weeks and started visiting sex workers over the previous 4 years.  
    9 months previous to going on the course I began to come to my senses - that I needed help and that the road I was on was leading me down into greater risk and ultimately destruction.  I came across Paula and went into counselling in January.  She was keen for me to go onto the intensive course but I wasn't ready, and to be honest a bit sceptical.  
    The counselling was helpful, but the residential intensive was life-changing.  On it I got to the point of desperation, committing myself to doing whatever it takes to get free from this destructive addiction - even to the point of deciding to tell my wife who had no knowledge of what I was up it.  The course empowered me to make different choices.
    I could write so much about the journey over the last year.  It has been incredibly difficult and challenging - at the same time it has felt good, so good - to be doing the right thing, living in honesty, being out of the bubble and being emotionally present to my wife.  It is possible, if you are desperate, to escape the slavery of this addiction - but you can't do it on your own.
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  10. PJ added a post in a topic Overwhelmed   

    Hi M
    I am recovering from the addiction, pretty much free since going on an intensive with Paula a year ago.
    A few thoughts from the addicts/man's side.
    1. You are no muppet.  Addicts are very skilled at keeping things secret.  They do that because they hate what they are doing, it makes them feel awful, they don't know where to go for help, think they can manage it, go back to it when they feel down or defeated and it carries on.  Many don't want to hurt their spouses and so keep it secret, thereby unwittingly reinforcing the addiction cycle.  You are no muppet - you have been deceived by someone who has become very good at deception.  
    2. My wife, didn't know anything until I told her - at that point I had not 'acted out' for a month having made a clean break on Paula's course.  She was totally devastated and disorientated.  She helped herself (and me) by being uncompromising.  She set some clear boundaries - she kicked me out of the bed, and would have kicked me out of the house if circumstances had allowed, for a couple of weeks (and it would have been for longer if it hadn't been for the kids etc), and forbid any idea of sex for 3 months.  She took off her wedding ring etc.  The signals were clear and uncompromising.   
    3. We talked lots and lots.  She read lots and lots, got help from forums etc - you aren't alone and will find a whole community out there who has been/are in the same situation as you.  She found a counsellor for partners (through Paula) who gave her some good advice.  We began a journey and we are a year in.  One thing that really helped was radical honesty.
    4. This is not your fault.  Sure none of us our perfect and no marriage is perfect, but many in similar situations others don't turn to inappropriate/secret sex to comfort themselves and he didn't need to either, he had other options and choices.  He took the wrong ones.
    5. There is hope.  You and your marriage can survive.  You are on a journey.  We are a year in and in many ways our marriage is better than it has ever been - for many reasons but probably one of the main ones was that before I was emotionally absent and had been most if not all of our marriage.  I am not now.
    I hope that helps.
     
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