PJ

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About PJ

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PJ's Activity

  1. PJ added a post in a topic Is anyone on, or been on the Sex Offenders' Register? OT?   

    Have you looked here: https://www.nacro.org.uk/resettlement-advice-service/support-for-individuals/advice-prisoners-people-licence-sex-offenders-mappa/advice-people-convicted-sex-offences/ or http://hub.unlock.org.uk?
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  2. PJ added a post in a topic Sex addiction   

    Hi Bereket
    Can you tell us more?  What are you struggling with?  I would recommend this post that has a lot of resources: http://paulahall.co.uk/forum/index.php?/topic/505-online-resources-for-addicts-wanting-help/
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  3. PJ added a post in a topic 11 years of addiction, need change   

    Hi Matt
    That's great.  I would recommend you read Paula's book too.  There is also a post here [http://paulahall.co.uk/forum/index.php?/topic/505-online-resources-for-addicts-wanting-help/] with lots of good resources.  Read up as much as possible and feed your motivation to get out of this addiction.
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  4. PJ added a post in a topic confused   

    Hi Confused.com
    I suppose I would want to ask whether your addiction life makes you happy and builds your self-esteem.  And where is it going?
    If it doesn't make you happy etc I would do everything you can to escape from it.  I would recommend Paula's course - it enabled me to escape and get into recovery.  Well worth the money.
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  5. PJ added a post in a topic Partner's addiction has lost ME my home and job   

    Hi Kat
    Wow - that does sound absolutely terrifying.  My only comment is that it doesn't feel right that you feel you can't go to the police to bring a degree of safety to your children, home and work because he might get into trouble.......... 
    When in addiction we are selfish, in denial and manipulative.  Hence him turning on you.
    Those in addiction usually have to hit rock bottom before they go into long term recovery, maybe, maybe, this is what he needs.  The loving thing is to hold your ground, assert your boundaries, and don't take on board his accusations.  
    All strength to you.
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  6. PJ added a post in a topic Time to move on?   

    Hi Cowslip.
    This is a journey - it will be right sometime to leave this forum......
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  7. PJ added a post in a topic Partner Recovery   

    Rena
    I suspect the harder road is working this through together, and whilst the stakes are higher, so are the rewards.  If you both recover/get through this - you will have a very strong relationship.  It is too probably the riskier road......
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  8. PJ added a post in a topic No improvement   

    Hi Rena
    Just read your post.  He sounds like he is in denial and that he doesn't understand how mired he is in his addiction.  If he doesn't know he needs help, it is very unlikely he will recover - addicts can't do this on their own.  
    You aren't going crazy - it sounds more like he is manipulating you by blaming you for the situation.  He is clearly not taking responsibility.
    Put your boundaries in place and don't take on his crap.  Have you read Paula's book for partners?  I would highly recommend it.  
    Best wishes.
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  9. PJ added a post in a topic How do you move on and heal   

    Hi Cheesecake.
    Addicts can be deep in denial, can be very manipulative and deceitful.  I am sorry for your sad experience.  Life can be crap at times.
    I don't have much to say, except that I hope you find the answers to your questions.  There are men out there who aren't addicted to sex, or are in long-term recovery.  I hope you find one that loves you and whom you fall in love with too.
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  10. PJ added a post in a topic Recent discovery of partner’s sex addiction   

    Hi Jem
    Sorry for the slow reply, I have been off-line for a few weeks.
    Guilt - gosh, there is a big subject.  Guilt is a very complex area and raises some really interesting questions.  I suppose I would want to dig into what sort of guilt your husband feels.  Guilt is very closely allied to shame and I am persuaded is as much a spiritual issue as it is a psychological one.
    Off the top of my head (I think it needs longer!), I think there are 3 components of resolving guilt.
    1. Repentance.  This concept is often used in religious/christian circles but one doesn't have to be spiritual to take advantage of it.  Repentance means, not just remorse but changing one's attitude and behaviour.  I wonder if, pointing this out to him and 'accepting' his repentance, might give him some relief from his guilt?
    2. Forgiveness.  Forgiveness benefits the forgiver the most.  You may have heard the maxim 'unforgiveness is like taking poison and expecting the other person to die'.  Whenever a wrong is committed, a debt is created which cannot be repaid/undone.  We use the concept when we use such phrases as "I will make x pay for this" or "she owes me".   Interesting the original Lord's Prayer in the gospels of Matthew and Luke use 'debt' as a metaphor for wrong doing/sin.  If you think about it, when someone does wrong against you, they take something from you - be it money, self-esteem, health etc.  Such 'debts' cannot be undone, they cannot be paid back.  Revenge doesn't give you your health back, doesn't heal your self-esteem etc.   Forgiveness is then like cancelling the debt - striking it out.  Tearing up the IOU.  Forgiveness is a process and takes a long time.  I wonder, if you are in the (long) process of forgiving him, telling him that might help - using the language of forgiveness.  It might well cause him to cry, but it might help his guilt.  The next step, once you have forgiven him, maybe for him to forgive himself.  
    3. Making amends.  In SAA - one works to make amends.  I find this very helpful.  Whilst wrongdoing can't be undone and the debt can never be repaid, yet one can demonstrate a desire to put things right, acknowledge a debt to someone or society, and make contributions back.   I suspect the best amend your husband can make to you is to actually put his life back together again, become healthy - to recover from his addiction.  The second best amend (I suspect) is to help re-build your self-esteem and your marriage.  I would encourage him to channel his guilt into making amends for the damage he has caused you and numerous others.
    I would be surprised if the above sorted it all completely but I hope it might help.  It is a long journey.....
     
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  11. PJ added a post in a topic 4 months post discovery - a partner's persceptive   

    A gentle reminder, this part of the forum is for success stories.
    PS Joshua - great point, so true.
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  12. PJ added a post in a topic Being fair to myself   

    Hi Nanook
    Based on what you say in this post, and from personal experience (rather than as a expert therapist, which I am not!), I find it interesting that he doesn't try and appease/reassure you when he says that he didn't think about how you feel or think it was wrong.  That makes me think he is telling the truth.
    I wonder, and everyone is different, whether he was addicted but is now in recovery, even if he doesn't call it that?  It could last indefinitely but he would have a better chance of that if he did see it as an addiction and looked at the causes, had some support and made various changes to his life.
    You aren't being selfish at all.  However addicts are very selfish and they lose their moral compass.  Addicts it seems to me are actually very conflicted - deep down they often know what they are doing is wrong/shameful - that is why they keep it a secret.  The problem is that they can't see a way out.  They can't stop doing what they are doing - so they bury/deny/split off that part of their psyche that tells them it is wrong.  It goes very deep it seems to me.
    The encouraging thing is that he now sees that and is 6 months into recovery (although he doesn't see it like that).  That is basis for real hope.  
    If he subsequently slips, that might be the moment to raise the question of addiction with him again.  Given you have had the conversation already and he doesn't see it, I wouldn't I think raise it again - but that is up to you.   If he doesn't slip, then perhaps he is right - he wasn't addicted, and even if he was - he has come free. 
    Paula has written a very helpful book for partners of addicts - I would recommend it.
    I hope that is helpful.
    PJ
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  13. PJ added a post in a topic Struggling to trust again   

    Dee - glad you are on here.  Keep fighting.
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  14. PJ added a post in a topic In desperate need of experienced advice!   

    Hi Prue
    I am so sorry things are no better.  What a horrid situation.
    I am at loss to know what to say that would be helpful. I am sure antidepressants is a good option - they should give you greater emotional energy to process all the crap that you have had to go through.
    Very strange that he has just disappeared.  The uncertainty must be very unpleasant for you.
    I guess it is about taking it one day at a time.  
    I will keep you in my thoughts in the coming days.  
    PJ
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  15. PJ added a post in a topic I need help   

    Hi Andy
    Boy, its a grim place isn't.  Many of us have been in a similar situation.  It is a crappy place and I am sorry you are there at this moment.
    There is hope though.  First of all, many are of the opinion that the only hope of escaping such addiction is by hitting rock bottom.  It's crap that that is the case, but at least we can see a ray of hope in the mess, however slight a ray it is.
    It sounds to me that you need support asap.  Do you have some friends to reach out to?  I know it can be scary confiding in people, but in my experience they have been a lifeline.
    It is good that you have come on here.  There are a load of resources.  Rob has put a list of many here: http://paulahall.co.uk/forum/index.php?/topic/505-online-resources-for-addicts-wanting-help/  I would highly recommend Paula's book on sex addiction too.
    I would also suggest you find a twelve step group.  I have been going to one for about 2 years.  There are 3 such 12 step programmes for sex addiction in the UK  - sexaholics anonymous, sex addicts anonymous and sex and love addicts anonymous.  Each programme is v. slightly different in approach although they all follow the AA 12 steps.  Not only that but groups vary even within the same programme.  They also take a few weeks to getting used to.  So I would recommend trying one out for a few weeks, if it doesn't work for you, then try another group if there is one near enough.  I go to SAA and it works well for me.  There are many of us out there - come and finds us in a 12 step group.
    To encourage you, I am now nearly 3 years free from this addiction.  My life is better than it has been for so many years.  No deceit, no hours of wasted time, no wasted money much better self-esteem, my wife has got through the devastation of hearing of my infidelity and we are still together, a sense of wholeness.  
    You can get there too.  The future might feel very uncertain and scary but you can survive this - life might be different but it can be as good as, even better than it was before. 
    Come back and let us know how things are going.  We are here to support you. 
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