Rob

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  1. Rob added a post in a topic Sex addict partner and had enough :-(   

    Hi Grace,
    I'm so deeply sorry and saddened to hear about your husband's behaviour and all the distressing rationalisations that go along with it. It's a heartbreaking story to read. It sounds like he has a lot of issues to deal with and needs serious help.
    Your intuition around him having no grasp of the real world and people around him, I can certainly relate directly too a lot - it's a very sad truth and I did the same isolating myself from people, the world and ignoring the damage and harm I was doing - particularly to my marriage and personal life. It is a very difficult thing to have put upon you and I can only imagine the really tough struggles you have with all the strong mixed feelings that go along with having your world turn upside down and this put upon you.
    Honestly, I believe he has to want to change and realise that his is risking losing everything unless his behaviour stops and he gets help and turns things around. There's a lot of damage he needs to take responsibility for but that can't happen until he first stops the destructive behaviour. He needs help for him. But equally, you cannot do that for him - it's something he has to face, as tough as that is and as much as you do want him to be alright. A big change in him is needed and that takes time even with commitment.
    I'm really sorry to hear that you feel so frightened and alone - that's horrible. Is there is anyone you can talk to or reach out to? My wife felt very much the same way as you and that she was ashamed of telling her close friends about my behaviour and problems because that obviously creates other issues too. So the shame creates more damage. I try to reassure her that like your husband, my issues predate our relationship and that my behaviour was not in any way a reflection on her but on me. While that's a rational thing to say, it doesn't help emotionally because all those very real feelings and isolation are still there are present and you have to deal with them. It's not dealing with it. I really hope that perhaps you can find some ways to reach out to other partners, friends, family or anyone to talk - someway you can deal with it. Sharing feelings and being vulnerable is often such a hard thing to do though, especially about sex which has its own stigma anyway. Finding someone you're comfortable with can be a real challenge in itself but there are potential benefits if you can. Most of all, please be kind to yourself no matter what and take good care.
    I don't want to sound too much like a plug for this website, but I think Paula does run a partner's course. There are also other forums out there on the Internet too and material, as well as perhaps individual therapy if that appeals to you. This is not a small thing - it's a really tough, perhaps life-changing, event in your relationship and life that's going on. I think any ways you can find to help and care for yourself is really important for you.
    Peace and best wishes.
     
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  2. Rob added a post in a topic Will things get better?   

    Hello Rena,
    Your experience sounds really shocking and devastating with a huge amount of damage done. It sounds like your world has been completely turned upside down and the man you thought you knew is actually somebody else entirely.
    My wife has expressed very similar feels of questioning her own judgement over my complete denial and covering up of my porn problem for pretty much 20 years. I think the fact that she had no clue whatsoever and all other parts of our relationship were apparently "good" caused a huge amount of damage. That you can recognise the very bad treatment you've had from him is really important although terribly painful too.
    How long it takes for an addict to recover I don't know for sure. I can tell you that personally I am 18 months in and still find days and behaviours difficult and challenging. I think I have changed significantly but it's not something I feel has completely vanished from my life. It is something I could easily fall back into and recovery is still a fragile and precious thing for me personally. People can change but I think it's important to be realistic about the time frames involved - I don't think it's something that anyone can get over in a few weeks or months. It really takes years because you are reversing patterns of behaviour that have often gone on for years or even decades.
    The shattering of trust is a huge issue and again that takes a lot of time to very slowly rebuild and is not a linear path. My wife had an affair shortly before I confronted my problems with porn and (for various personal reasons) we are only recently starting to tackle some of the root issues. There is a lot of brutal honesty needed on both sides and often the answers are painful and difficult to hear. Deciding to stay or go has been very hard for both of us and the emotional ground can shift day to day.
    I think the painful truth is that it's not really all over because it's out in the open - quite the opposite actually. That is now the starting point for the real work to begin and things to change. I am learning to accept that it will never really be "all over" or done with - rather instead it has become part of my life experience and learning about myself and my wife and how relationships really do (or do not) work.
    For me, it's critical that I owned my porn problem and stay on top of it. That's something that's totally on me to do and that I am responsible for. I can't expect my wife or anyone else to do that for me. I didn't always have that level of emotional maturity and sometimes I still find it hard to stay in that place but I feel it's part of shaping a different future and changing my behaviour. Sometimes accepting responsibility for all the hurt I've caused and the undermining of trust, hidden behaviour, anger etc. is very hard to do.
    This has been my experience.
    Some of these online links may help:
    http://recoverynation.com/partners/
    http://www.rebootnation.org/forum/index.php?board=7.0
    All the phases of grief you describe - the anger, depression, anxiety, shame are very difficult to tackle and take a lot of time. These things in many ways have been thrust upon you by your fiance's actions. It might feel very unfair and frustrating and it is. The most important thing I think is to take all the time you need and find more help and outlets to help you process the huge range of strong and painful emotions that this situation creates. Above all be kind to yourself because this isn't anything that you've done in any way and is no reflection on you but instead on him. It many ways, the relationship that you thought you had and the man you thought you knew is gone - that's a extremely tough thing to have forced upon you and I can definitely connect a lot with those feelings of grief. It has got better for me over time as I slowly accept my wife's affair and working at my issues but that doesn't make it easy and there are no quick fixes sadly. It is a truly awful situation as you say.
    Peace.
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  3. Rob added a post in a topic Online Resources for Addicts Wanting Help   

    Added - thanks! That's a new one for me, looks very useful.
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  4. Rob added a post in a topic Ali   

    Hello Ali,
    I'm very sorry to hear the great shock you've had to learn of your boyfriend's problem and the effect on your confidence. I can only imagine how difficult it is to try and come to terms with it, especially if it's come as a surprise. It's so sad to hear.
    I think the most important thing is for you to take care of yourself and get help wherever you can to just try and get by and process things, which takes time. Whatever help and care you can take of yourself is what really matters. I'm not an expert on partner's help but there are support groups out there and other women who've sadly had to go through similar problems with their husbands and partner's who can offer a lot better help. Saying "no" to porn in your relationship is a perfectly reasonable thing to want and need - there's nothing in the slightest wrong with you in any way whatsoever for asking that. Maybe it is a deal-breaker for you if your boyfriend ultimately can't stick to it. That's a very tough place to be.
    Your boyfriend sounds like a man who's very unhappy with himself and unable to cope without porn. I think he needs to get help for his problems and sort that out himself. 4 years is a long time of misery. Really there is nobody that can do that for him apart from himself and he has to want to do it and acknowledge the damaging effect it's had. That's a really difficult thing to do though and takes time but it's on him and not you. He has to want to change and seek out sites like this and others for himself. It may help in time to recognise that his problems predate your relationship and are therefore nothing really to do with you - logically and rationally that may make sense but emotionally I appreciate it's very different. If you want to understand more about his problem and where it came from, that's something to explore but right now please take good care of yourself as number one priority. Maybe finding some trusted close friend (your friend who had a similar problem with her husband) or professional help could give you a one possible outlet.
    Also one more thing, I'd like to say, please don't feel guilty or beat yourself up about "snooping" or let him use that against you - yes, it's obviously not a great to do in a relationship but clearly you suspected things were being hidden from you and there are much bigger problems to tackle. He is the one who has been hiding this from you.
    Peace.
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  5. Rob added a post in a topic I am considering doing the 4 day in intensive course...   

    Hello,
    It takes a lot of courage to write so honestly about your life and the difficulties you've faced. I can't really connect with all the terrible things that happened to you in your early childhood and am very saddened to read that.
    I can connect a lot though with some of your other feelings and thoughts there, such as the isolation and disconnection. For me, it's also been a depressing time too.
    I have attended Paula's course last year and found it beneficial in a number of ways. Content-wise, I think it adds a lot of structure and depth to material presented in her book. Most of all, I found though that meeting the other guys on the course and us bonding as a group (we still stay in regular contact well over a year now after the course ended) has been the biggest benefit. We all have a lot we can connect with across a whole range of life experience and all know what it's like to face this problem and feel the shame and difficulties. ways forward, the whole spectrum. Forming close relationships with men in a safe environment has been a key part of the healing and recovery experience for me and I wouldn't have been able to do that without Paula's course.
    Personally, I think the 4 day intensive is way too much in one go. I did weekly sessions over a few months and even that felt like it went very fast because I was learning so much about this problem and myself in the meantime. But that's just me and the kind of analytical person I am. I hadn't had any experience with SLAA or other groups before, unlike yourself.
    You're right that nobody can do this for you but equally that doesn't mean you have to do it alone.
    Peace.
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  6. Rob added a topic in Sex & Porn Addiction   

    Online Resources for Addicts Wanting Help
    Here is a list of various links and websites I've collected over the past year or so as I've been tackling my problem with porn.
    I hope they're useful for other guys who come here maybe not knowing very much about porn and sex addiction so you can understand:
    You're not the only person with this problem at allThere is help out there and it's never too late to changeWebsite Resources
    Am I an addict? - A quick test if you're not sure.
    What is Porn Addiction? - A breakdown if you're just getting started learning about this problem.
    Emergency NoFap - A useful quick inspirational site when you're feeling triggered or tempted to remind you why you're becoming a better man. Homepage for me.
    Your Brain On Porn - Huge website containing many resources to educate yourself about the effect of porn on the brain and to get help.
    Reboot Nation - Gabe Deem's website containing another great set of resources and a forum.
    Recovery Nation - Free self-help website for sex addicts, love addicts and porn addicts.
    Fight the New Drug - Buy a t-shirt. Great set of educational material and an eye-opener.
    Porn Addiction is the Best Thing That Happened To Me - Great end-to-end set of resources from a guy who's done it.
    My Thoughts On Rebooting - Very long and detailed set of notes and crucial advice from another guy who's been there and mastered himself. Great stuff. If you've got an hour to look at porn, you've got an hour to read all this.
    50 Reasons to Quit Porn For Good - So many benefits to be gained from shifting this addiction out of your life.
     
    YouTube Videos
    The Great Porn Experiment - Arguably the most revolutionary and revealing TEDx talk about the real nature of pornography and it's impact from Gary Wilson. A must watch if you see nothing else!
    Terry Crews Dirty Little Secret: Part 1 - Hugely inspirational and brutal self-honesty from Mr Crews, much love and respect to him. A great man who's been making real change. Follow the YouTube links to part 2 onwards.
    Why I Stopped Watching Porn - Another brilliant TEDx talk to help you see how things really are. Huge respect to Mr Gavrieli to deliver such a worldclass talk on such a personal topic to so many people.
    We Need to Talk About Sex Addiction - Paula's fantastic TEDx talk, honestly and compassionately understanding sex addiction. 
     
    Other Online Forums
    Your Brain Rebalanced - Huge community of other guys struggling to get their lives back after porn and sexual addiction problems.
    Reboot Nation Forum - Many people here to connect with, mostly addicts but also a small and growing partner's section.
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  7. Rob added a post in a topic Schrödinger's 90 day reboot   

    Mr Schrodinger is still going. He's not given up the change completely but has suffered some setbacks as we all do. I hope very much he will come back here and post some more because his energy and persistence is admirable.
    Your point about making things into a fight is very relevant and something I think a lot of us addicts struggle with - fighting ourselves. I've found moving forward requires me to make peace with myself but that's not a simple thing, it's a process.
    I don't know any guys personally who've decided to quit and then just stayed clean from there on after. Instead, it takes some slips and a lot of learning about yourself, what works and what doesn't along with what you really need and how your life may not be giving that to you, then how I could change that and so on.
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  8. Rob added a post in a topic 'Enabling' my husband's porn addiction   

    Hello,
    I can connect with a lot of what you write about the enabling part and self-doubting aspects. A lot of what you write I've had similar feelings about regarding my wife's affair and like you write, I struggle with going down questioning a lot about myself and exactly why certain aspects of our relationship were like they were. I think those are really important questions to ask yourself but at the same time, it's very easy to find answers that turn back in on yourself and lead to serious problems with your self-esteem or feeling that there is something wrong or bad about you because of what's gone on. There isn't. You've done the best you could at the time and being able to look back and reflect with compassion for me is the only way I can let go of the anger and hurt but still learn and not forget. But this is a really slow and precarious path. It is hard. Personally, for me and my relationship it was about me not actually wanting to take responsibility for myself and my own life and standing up for what I really felt and wanted - apart from the "usual" stuff like fearing being alone, the loss etc. There is a lot comfortable and familiar with how things were and the patterns - we'd both created a relationship where real intimacy was not really possible because we were both afraid of it deep down - a lot of fear over many things actually. The porn for me was the tool I used to help keep things at arm's length, not lose the good things we had and help keep my head buried in the sand not knowing what to do or how to cope (and making things much worse in doing so, a vicious circle). This I am still learning intellectually but coping emotionally is different level.
    It sounds like your husband still needs a lot of help and isn't really recovering at all if he's still using porn and has gone back to the same old behaviours of lying about it and covering it up. He needs more help and until he stops completely and starts honestly being able to work at things then I can appreciate that you must feel horribly stuck and unable to move forward. That's on him though, not you. I've felt at points with my wife's affair denial that the only way I can get her to confront it would be to leave her but then that means losing a precious person I love from my life, so becomes self-defeating and completely stuck. Having the other person really empathise somehow is key for me but so very hard and you cannot force or control other people into doing it.
    Regarding the enabling part, I don't know what to say really - again, please just have compassion with yourself. Yes, it takes two of you to make a relationship and you might identify certain things that you can do differently - this is true of everyone and all relationships - but ultimately I think he has to own his problems and stop. The old patterns and behaviours you both use don't work and need to change. The reasons why you tolerated it etc. are more about you and understanding yourself better but please do not blame yourself for his actions at all - he must take responsibility for those.
    It sounds really hard for you and I hope you can get the help you need - best wishes and peace.
     
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  9. Rob added a post in a topic Help? Should he stop or should I live with it   

    Hello and apologies for having taken some time to write back.
    No you're not wrong or crazy by any means.
    It sounds like your husband is in denial about how seriously his behaviour is hurting you and impacting your relationship. I'm very sorry to hear that and how hard it is for you to cope with along with trying to raise the kids. If he respects you and values your marriage then he should stop those behaviours that are so hurtful to you irrespective of whether he thinks they are harmless or not. It should be enough for you to say you don't want it in the relationship I think.
    I think it's courageous of you to be able to stand up to him and say these things, even though that confrontation is difficult. Ultimately he needs to own his behaviour.
    A common rationalisation from porn addicts is that it's meaningless along with a minimisation of exactly how much time is being spent doing it. One way of challenging this is to ask him to honestly keep track of how much time he spends doing it and how often. Also then if it is meaningless he should be able to stop easily for a few weeks or months. It should be nothing, right? Also encourage him to go through Paula's checklist here to see whether he's addicted. He's not answering to you here but to himself, so there's no reason to lie or minimise. For me, a lot of the anger I had was actually inward anger at myself that I would project our onto others and my unfortunate wife. You're only asking for him to control himself. Why would he keep doing something that apparently means nothing to him even though it hurts you and damages your relationship so much? Well, because it's a lot more serious than he wants to admit or take responsibility for. And why does he want to keep on hurting you so much? You are not enemies but partners. He probably sees you from the warped perspective of you trying to take away his "toys" but he should be a lot more worried about himself and how porn is melting his brain and sense of rationality and driving a wedge between him and the mother of his children.
    Above all I think he needs to stop and get help. Then over the next few months, if he puts in the works, things can and change. But that won't be a quick or comfortable ride in my experience although it will be very humbling and there is a different perspective on life down that path.
    If you (reasonably IMHO) won't tolerate porn in your relationship then he needs to shape up or realise he is putting his family in serious jeopardy. I continued for a very long time because I was excellent at lying about it (particularly to myself) and there were no apparent consequences to my life (actually later I started realising there were lots but again I was very good at lying to myself about it). 
    He can get help in a number of ways. Through online material (yourbrainonporn, reboot nation etc), books etc. But for me personally what's worked the best is connecting face to face with other guys in a similar position and working through Paula's group course but this does cost money. There are other groups too like SLAA but personally I've had no experience with them. This at least gives guidance to understand how and why the addiction works and how to fight it and recover to build a better life. When I tried to fight alone, invariably you're doomed to failure and this is very common. Most of all, he can connect with other guys. Ultimately though, he must put in the work to make that happen as the most important thing in his life. That also means finding compassion for himself and you. Honestly, I think being very clear you won't tolerate his behaviour but that you do still love or care for him is the best way you can approach that (having been on the other side of it). I still have bad times too but I'm a lot more able to recognise them and be honest when I messed up, learn and reach out. It's always a risk I am wary of in slipping back though and it sounds like your husband has become complacent in that leading back into a big fall. It's sadly common.
    It's also incredibly draining and frustrating for you to try and help in that way too. I strongly believe that you need time out and to take good care of yourself too as he goes through recovery. After all, it's a huge emotional shock to handle along with all the breakdown of the trust, the lies and half truths. Again, Paula does run partners groups for women in a similar position to yourself. There's also the option of marriage/relationship counselling e.g. Relate too. That may or may not help depending on whether his baseline behaviours continue or not.
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  10. Rob added a post in a topic PLEASE HELP   

    Hello,
    That sounds totally heartbreaking and is very sad to hear.
    Your boyfriend I think needs to take a long hard look at his actions and what he is prepared to do to clean up his act. This could be a real rock bottom for him that will promote him to change or he could just keep on doing it. He had to be prepared to change. You can point him at the resources here and other sex addiction sites but he needs to find help for himself and do the work which is hard and takes a lot of effort. Having an affair with another person is a whole additional layer of hurt and damage. Honestly, I think the best thing you can do is to explain to him that you won't tolerate that behaviour in your relationship and be prepared to back that up if he doesn't shape up. It's not good for you either. You also have the option of walking away too but that's obviously not a quick or easy decision to make. Ultimately it's up to you to decide though.
    The denial is very common in us addicts who will try to minimise and sweep it under the carpet. He has to want to talk about things willingly through recovery but for me personally that has taken a long time and there are still uncomfortable areas.
    One warning sign from what you wrote that jumped out at me was him asking to trust him and that this would make everything alright. This is a part of the fog of denial and addiction. Firstly, trust is not bestowed but earned. Secondly his actions have been highly undermining of the trust between you two. You being suspicious of his online activities is perfectly reasonable and it's on him to demonstrate he is trustworthy, not vice versa. For me, that shows some very faulty thinking that he needs to get to grips with.  Perhaps you might even think that you can't trust him again - that I believe is a better place to start from. He has a LOT of work to do.
    You sound rightly very angry too at being treated so badly. You don't deserve that at all and it's very important that you look after yourself and do whatever you need to do to healthily cope and be well in yourself. I believe this should be your priority until things become clearer but I don't know all your personal circumstances and the firm of that, how practical etc. Is something you can work out. But above all, please realise his problems are his and nothing to do with you. You will have contributed to the dynamic in the relationship, everybody does - that's normal. But his choice to get hooked on porn and carry on such damaging behaviour and particularly to have an affair is his responsibility entirely and he needs to own it. His feeling low and down at what he has done should motivate him to change because he's done some very hurtful things  - but you cannot control how others feel, only yourself.
    Feeling a lot of strong things all together I think is quite common and normal, though unpleasant or even contradictory. It can be overwhelming perhaps. It's all part of you trying to process what's going on. For me, it has got better with time but it can be a slow process. I would like to encourage you to please not judge yourself over your feelings, particularly those you might feel are negative or negative to yourself. But to try and accept them all for what they are and allow them to be part of it, for better or worse. They don't define you in any way and you still have total choice and control over how you act on them, in whatever manner or direction that is.
    Finally, I also would say that while I used to continue to have a sexual relationship with my wife I thought everything was fine between us (or rather it aided my denial) . Once that stopped then I truly wasn't getting a key part of the relationship and that helped me realise there were major problems. And in fact, now my attitudes have changed and I don't want a sexual relationship while there are relationship threatening issues abound. For me, it became about my own self respect also. That's just me though.
    Peace and kindness to you at such a difficult time.
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  11. Rob added a post in a topic shame   

    Hello,
    You should know you're not alone in struggling with this problem and it is very difficult. I found it easy to get stuck in a vicious cycle where I'd act out, get angry and ashamed of myself and then so act out more to try and hide. Obviously this is a self destructive pattern. The key is finding ways to break it and so things differently.
    I'd recommend most of all that each time you slip up, you learn and understand why and then what things you can do differently in future. Otherwise the pattern keeps going. You have to find things that work for you.
    I think for partners, it's very tough on them. My wife feels isolated and rejected. So if I told her when I slipped or was tempted then I think that would be hurtful. I find it's easier for me to be accountable to guys in my group instead. It's very good you're being honest though - I had a big tendency to hide my behaviour. So being open is a good first step.
    Sorting this out and growing from it requires a lot of learning and self exploration which is a process. There's a lot of material out there both on the Internet and in books that has helped me a lot but required a lot from me to actively work on. The urges don't go away by themselves but can be managed and controlled over time while you build a better life.
    For me, a real life support group has been essential - I tried to stop on my own before without success and really need the help and insight of others.
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  12. Rob added a post in a topic Advice and help   

    Hello,
    Getting the tools in theory through counselling is one thing. But putting them into practice and making them effective habits and a part of your life is definitely something else. I can really connect with it. I would encourage you to keep persevering with it and revisit the techniques as well often. That helps me make things stick more but real change does take time. One thing I struggle(d) with which I think is common for us addicts is wanting a "quick fix" to the problems but there isn't one really - it takes continual effort over time which is why it's so important to keep at it over the days, weeks and months ahead. It is worth it though and I really hope you find the many rewards it brings along the way.
    I'm glad the counselling helped you. Like you, I also struggled with having no outlet so it's good you feel that helped - it's something that is a positive coping mechanism I think. Looking back on past actions and behaviours is very difficult to reconcile. Because on the one hand, it's really important to peel back the layers of denial, rationalisation and minimalisation etc. that have gone on for many years - these things are particularly difficult for partners I feel. Yet at the same time, it's really easy to slip into running yourself down or beating yourself up over it. Keeping a compassionate perspective has been key for me to find the right middle ground - where I can dwell in the reality of what went on but without wanting to punish myself for it. It's very difficult though and there are a lot of strong feelings. I do struggle as well with those feelings of inadequacy you refer to or feeling like you're not good enough for another relationship. It might not feel like it but that's simply not true and you are starting to take charge of your problems now.
    I would like to encourage you to learn more about the problems with porn addiction and the details around it to improve your understanding at least. I think you might find some connection there or things will strike you about your own behaviours or thoughts that maybe you hadn't considered before. It can be a good way to grow and decide how and where you get more help in future. For me, it helped open my eyes about the effects of my behaviours that I hadn't considered before - I thought it was "harmless" or "just" a secret from my wife but actually it leaked it out in much broader ways through my whole life, my attitudes to people, priorities in life etc.
    https://yourbrainonporn.com/
    Peace and best wishes to you.
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  13. Rob added a post in a topic Advice and help   

    Hello,
    It takes bravery and courage to open up about these things and our difficulties. Well done for that. I know first hand it isn't easy.
    Personally, I lived in total isolation and denial of my problems for many many years. I shut myself away and thought that I must be the only person with this problem and somehow it made me defective and broken. Slowly as I've recovered, I've been able to see myself with more compassion over time and realise that my past behaviours were me just trying to cope the best I could with what I knew then. As my horizons have expanded that need diminished and I've been learning about different ways which don't require me doing such self-destructive behaviour. A key part for me was seeing how I am not alone. You are not alone. There are many other guys like you and me out there whose issues and relationship with sex in whatever way have damaged their lives or themselves. So I'd like you to please understand you are definitely not alone in that. There are people out there who struggle with similar things and are all at different points in recovering their lives back. Reaching them can be in a number of ways. Like on here or real life support groups (Paula's course) or other organisations like SLAA. Or online at sites like rebootnation.org or yourbrainonporn.com (ybop). The forums here are not well frequented but other sites do have more regular activity and resources to help you learn about this addiction and tools for breaking it down.
    Your background sounds tough and distressing. Even to think about some of the things you've gone through is difficult. I wish you every success in your counselling and hope you can use it to make some positive change in your life that you want and can keep learning more about yourself and growing.
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  14. Rob added a post in a topic My Husband, Does He Want To Change?   

    Hello,
    First of all I'm glad you found this place to reach out. There is a partners section too where you might be able to connect with other women in a similar situation. I'd also encourage you to look at the partners section over at rebootnation.org which has more visitors.
    I felt a lot of sadness and even bewilderment from you in what your husband's been doing. It's very important that you are OK first of all and can get the help and support you need. It sounds like you have had to deal with a lot of acting out behaviour from him which is damaging. I'm very sorry to hear all that.
    Your husband sounds to me like he is caught strongly within the grip of this addiction and gets drawn back in whenever he tries to stop. Barring sheer willpower or "white-knuckling it" what other methods has he tried to stop? Those approaches didn't really work at all for me. Instead, it has been a long process of education and learning about this addiction along with how it works so I can change myself. Also reaching out to people in real life reduces the feelings of isolation and shame that keeps people trapped. The roots of the problem tend to run quite deep. What most addicts actually want is not so much to stop but actually not to feel like they want or need it anymore. That is a deeper thing that needs hard work, as you say. Us addicts are also great at procrastination and avoiding dealing with ourselves unless we really have to. This feeds into the issue of motivation. For me personally, it took the sudden breakdown of my marriage and living apart for a considerable time to motivate change. As long as the status quo continues, the addict is not incentivised. So a key question is asking why he wants to stop? Hopefully to get his life back at some level.
    I think if your husband is serious about stopping then he can aim to put aside time regularly to work at it, improve his education about the damaging effects of porn and his behaviour and most of all understanding why - and also find people in real life for support. E.g. one of Paula's groups or a sex addiction group like SLAA.
    He has to be motivated to do that. Some guys are smart and nip it in the bud sooner. Others sadly wait too long for their partner to leave, move out, have an affair, divorce etc. Or generally make an even bigger mess. He needs to understand what's at stake really. Part of the problem with that is that when an addict is in the bubble, they are there because they are hiding from reality and don't want to confront these things. It's not a nice place to be. But he can deal with it and he can handle it.
    I don't think it should be up to you to police your husband's internet use - he's an adult. I can very much see how you would question his motivation to change. Ultimately, that has to come from him and you have to decide exactly what you can and cannot tolerate in the relationship.
    You sound like you do love him and care deeply for him very much. I do sense that you really want to find some way to help him and want him to be better. I really hope he can appreciate that and how lucky he is to have such support - there are a lot of strong feelings involved which aren't easy for everyone to deal with and other partners in your position I know from experience often will feel a lot of strong feelings like being very angry, hurt, betrayed, mistrustful etc. all for very valid reasons and they are tough things to deal with.
    Please take good care of yourself.
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  15. Rob added a post in a topic When its a problem?   

    I can connect a lot with what you say about feeling "dirty" or "seedy" - it certainly wasn't something I was proud of at all. Which I supposed is evidenced by the fact I never told anybody in all my adult life and desperately tried to keep it concealed (and then became very good at lying and covering up which was not really a skillset I wanted). I also thought I had a very high opinion of women, equality, treating them fairly etc. I prided myself on that yet my dirty "habit" ran counter to my public appearance. I am out of integrity and that doesn't make me feel too good about myself. Even when I do good things in my life.
    One thing I learned was that porn usage over a long time (decades) for me introduced a subtle brainwashing almost in myself. My attitudes to people and relationships (particularly with women) would become quite warped or even manipulative. Intimacy would be a big problem for me - I don't mean just sexual but emotionally and authentically because there would be this part of me I was trying to hide or even deny.
    I would also pass up the opportunity to get involved with more hobbies or people for instead staying in alone hunched over my PC for an evening. For many years. That's pretty sad when I look back now at myself. Just the self-enforced isolation and loneliness really.
    After recovery I started realising that what I thought was "hurting nobody" actually affected the time I put into relationships with friends and family. Then I was able to proactively go out and really make a positive difference in those, helping others and myself at the same time. I would blame others for not doing enough but it was actually just as much my fault too but I didn't want to see that or do anything about it. Why bother when porn is there to comfort me?
    Regarding your partner judging you, that's a difficult one. We all want to be accepted for who we are - good and bad. And the fear of rejection and abandonment is very real and painful. So we shy away. And when I would hit a hard problem in life I couldn't solve, guess what I'd do? Yes! Use some porn. Oh dear. Do you see where this is going?
    Think what the other side would look like: imagine you found a way to get porn out of your life, didn't miss it and was building a better life for yourself being totally honest and clean about who you are (good and bad). Imagine then that you could share your struggle and that challenge with your partner. Would she actually think more of you as someone who is courageous and standing up to take the risk to himself personally to do the right thing, even at high personal cost? Would you think of yourself like that, even if she didn't understand and left you? You would be your own hero. You would be a man of strong integrity. That is a powerful and attractive quality in any person. And you could also tell her honestly that she had been a big part of changing your view on it. It can in time become something bonding perhaps.
    That's a nice vision. But I would caution you because disclosing to a partner is a very tricky business as you are dropping a bomb on the relationship. Your fear is real. A lot of tough discussions will arise. It will rock the boat. There are books, advice and people like Paula who can help with that though if and when you feel the time comes. That is a very tough decision that is definitely worth thinking through a lot and only you can know the right answer, nobody can tell you that.
    Most important though I see for you is deciding for yourself if this present situation is OK for you or not. I guess part of you is uncomfortable or unsure because you are on here asking questions. I think Paula also has a questionnaire on here too to help answer.
     
     
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