Tantalus added a topic in Sex & Porn AddictionHello. I think I really need help.Hello,
I have registered here after a "slip up", which may yet have disastrous consequences, has led me to consider whether I have a sex addiction I have lost control of. This is my deepest and darkest secret, and I'm terrified it's gone too far.
I am mid-life, married, with two young kids. I was first exposed to pornography in my earliest years. My father kept a stash of soft core mags in a corner of his wardrobe and some of my earliest memories are of going to have a look whenever I was left alone upstairs. This was pre-adolescent and I must have been around 6 or 7. I just remember getting nice feelings from looking.
I think I may have been caught as the stash was reduced to one or two, presumably my father's favourites, which I discovered after an intensive rummage. These, plus one or two additions, got me through school, puberty and adolescence. Then when I went to college I switched to mental fantasy, for fear of a stash being found by room mates.
I met my future wife at college and, for a time, that craving was dealt with by actual physical contact. But even that wasn't enough so, with the internet in it's infancy, I discovered dial up stills. Exposure to free, secret, porn imagery became much easier as the web developed.
All the time I've managed to keep a lid on this, waiting until my wife had gone to work or was in bed for a quick fix. After the kids came along it became harder to find time, but then smart phones and bathroom locks helped.
I'm now in a terrible situation. I work in alone in a private office, and whenever I get lonely, bored or want a distraction the porn option is always there for comfort. This has become far more frequent as my work has grown more remote. A drastic change in financial security and increased job insecurity has made it worse. Porn is my release. My happy place.
I've tried all sorts of moral rationalising -visualising the subject as my wife, trying to limit to soft stills rather than films, but as sex has inevitably become less frequent (kids ever present, wife ever tired, never the right time etc etc) I find myself relying on it more and more, to the point it is almost my default happy place.
I pride myself on having no physical and limited digital traces. No files or images, nothing twisted or sordid, just the internet and incognito searches for models with my wife's characteristics. It was a quick Google search whilst inadvertently connected to my work Wi-Fi network that has led me to here. Whilst it was a single instance and quickly spotted without anything being accessed, I'm terrified it's going to be reported, identified and of any consequences that may come.
I really don't know what to do. Whilst I have started to acknowledge I may have a serious issue, I have no real desire to suddenly cease the habit of a lifetime, especially when it is one of my few sources of pleasure in my increasingly desperate world.
Any advice gratefully received.
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