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Issues96

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  1. Issues96

    7 years - will I ever trust him?

    I feel what you are saying. I am sorry you are going through this. Sending a big hug💗
  2. Issues96

    Boundaries or control? Advice?

    Had a respectful conversation with husband last night. I changed my wording to him. I added that I need the boundaries so that I not only feel safe but also said " I need these things to repair the damage in our relationship. If the damage is not repaired and trust is not built, I will not stay in this marriage." He got very angry and started swearing at me telling me he has no time to go to one meeting a week. I stayed calm and respectful and repeated That I love him and want to repair our marriage but without the recovery behaviors I can not stay. He got angrier, swore more and began hitting himself in the head saying " its just too much!" I walked away, told him again that I love him and I hope he can find peace and healing. I am going to request an appointment with both our counselors to initiate a therapeutic seperation. Its interesting to me that he always found the time for strip clubs, porn and going out drinking but he tells me he has no time for recovery. Seems to me if it was important to him, he could take a fraction of the time he spent acting out and dedicate it to recovery. Hope you all stay strong and have a good day today. Hugs to all.
  3. Issues96

    Struggling to trust again

    Just wanted to send you a hug and say that I relate to your words. I guess all we can do is take it one moment at a time. 💗
  4. I have been married for 20 years to my husband who is addicted to porn and strip clubs and he has periodic episodes of binge drinking and driving drunk.He does not drink daily but tends to over drink when out with friends. He also disclosed to me in 2002 a one night stand and in 2011 an affair. We have been off and on in individual and couples therapy and in 2012 attended couples group and individual groups but he stopped all forms of therapy by 2013. He has had small stretches of sobriety then long relapses which he does not disclose until I find proof. 8 months ago I discovered more SA behaviors and told him I needed us to both get back into individual therapy as well as SA and Sanon groups with sponsors. I told him my boundaries to help me feel safe and for us to heal are the following: Both attend therapy with a CSAT. Both attend at least one weekly 12 step meeting and have a sponsor. Both do weekly reading/homework as recommended by our CSAT and I asked him to abstain from going out to bars at night and to limit his alcohol to 2 drinks if he is out for a work function ( his office has social activities where free drinks are offered about once a month for team building). I told him I don't mind him going out golfing or bowling etc. But that I prefer he limit the drinking while doing so. He tells me that my boundaries feel like I'm controlling him, that I'm telling him how to recover. He said 12 steps meetings are not his thing and he refuses to attend. He is going to counseling with a CSAT once every 2 weeks and he is reading a recovery book a couple times a week. He does his homework from his counselor about once every 2 weeks for 20 minutes or so. He meets with a sponsor from his old group back in 2012 once every 3 weeks to have breakfast and check in. Last week he had a social work activity where he promised me he would only have 2 drinks. He came home slurring/stumbling drunk having driven home. I told him that because he broke our agreement on limiting drinking while out, that my boundary changed. That I no longer feel safe with him drinking any alcohol while out and I requested completely abstaining from drinking while out. He told me "I like to have a beer or two when out and I know I can control it." and refused to abstain. ( he does control his drinking while out sometimes). I decided and respectfully told him that I do not feel safe because he is refusing to meet my boundaries. I told him I do not see the true recovery behaviors I need to see in order to rebuild trust. Because I do not feel safe without my boundaries being met, I told him " I have asked for what I need, you have chosen not to and that is your right, however, I do not feel safe and it is difficult for me to sleep next to you when I don't see you doing the recovery work. You have told me that you need to do recovery at your own pace and that you can't just do things to appease me, that you have to choose to do them on your own and you are not ready to. You are right, These things should come from you, you have to decide on them, all I can do is ask for what I need to feel safe. I have asked, you have refused, so now I need to protect my heart. I think we should have a therapeutic seperation so I can continue my own recovery without feeling uncomfortable around you and you can work on your own recovery." He responded by getting angry and telling me I am giving him an ultimatum and trying to control his recovery. I need advice. Am I being controlling? I feel I am simply asking for what I need to build trust and protecting my heart by separating because I do not feel safe without the recovery behaviors. He has stopped going out at night, he is attending therapy with a CSAT and he claims to have been sober from all SA behaviors for the last 8 months. I fear he is just white knuckling sobriety without regular recovery work though and fear another relapse is inevitable without the recovery work being done. Any advice is appreciated. Please be kind as I am very delicate right now. Thank you💗
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