Polesden

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About Polesden

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  1. Polesden added a post in a topic Sex addiction and lack of empathy   

    Hi Claire
    How are things for you? Wondering if you talked to him about skyping with a trained sex addiction therapist - I guess you have nothing to lose by asking him - and if he's not willing to try then maybe that gives you an indication of his desire to work n his stuff.....hang in there
     
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  2. Polesden added a post in a topic Sex addict or philanderer   

    Hey Wife....I'm so sorry you find yourself in this awful situation - it is so disorienting and awful and deeply confusing - I have been  where you are.....and I agree, it probably doesn't matter whether it is addiction - you have been horribly wronged and betrayed however you look at it. The thing about addiction is that it's not an excuse for what he's done, it doesn't make it any better but it might help explain it.
    I think a helpful way to work out whether it's an addiction is to know whether he was enjoying himself or not. If he wasn't, he was probably acting out of addiction and compulsion. I know my husband looks back and remembers the pain of the years when he was acting totally against his moral values but was unable to stop because he did not understand that he was in the grip if addiction. It's a deeply dark and hopeless place to be and he would say now that he will do anything it takes to never go back there.  It's also a deeply shameful place to be which is why addicts are trapped for so long because they feel they can't admit to the mess they are in.....
    hope that helps you a little? I recommend Paula Hall's book for partners - it really helped me to understand better what was happening to me in those awful early days after discovering his unfaithfulness.....hang in there and get some help if you possibly can
    Thinking of you....
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  3. Polesden added a post in a topic Sex addiction and lack of empathy   

    Hi Claire
    Yes I think many of us have struggled with this - I'm sorry for what you are having to deal with.  It really can mess with your head, like you say.  It sounds like maybe he isn't really owning his stuff and being totally committed to turning things around?  I get the feeling you are working harder on this than he is, which isn't the right way round when it is HIS stuff that is causing the problem!
    Has your husband done Paula's course - this is something they address on it and my husband changed dramatically after doing the course.....he learned to take responsibility for his own stuff and not try and blame ANY of it on me which was such a relief and probably saved our relationship.  Even reading Paula's book may help him understand that this isn't about your stuff - yes, of course, all of us partners are imperfect and could do with working on ourselves but that is nothing to do with his sex addiction.  
    do whatever you can to get him on the course - will be thinking of you.
     
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